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How do we go about foreplay?

This discussion was created from comments split from: Hi, I'm Gill, I'm a full-time PSHE Specialist.

Replies

  • DizzydoodahDizzydoodah Posts: 6Member Listener
    Gill,
    I've recently started dating a guy with, what would be considered the more severe end of the spectrum, CP. He also has dysarthria. Our first date was really fun and I find him great fun and super cute! I'm not ashamed to say I asked him back for 'afters'!
    He told me that he was inexperienced and it had been a few years since he had sex so was understandably quite nervous, a few drinks helped us both a bit!
    Due to his CP we stuck to me on top. We didn't really go into foreplay on me that night, it wasn't really necessary as I found him very attractive. I think he'd like too though. My question is how to go about it? He has limited control over his arms/hands but does Shake/spasm (nerves probably didn't help!) I want to give him confidence in this to feel more involved and masculine during sex. I know it's a tricky question as everyone's affected in different ways.
  • CommunityTeamCommunityTeam Posts: 87Administrator Scope community team
    Hey Dizzydoodah, just wanted to let you know that Gill is now off for the Christmas break, but she will pick up your post as soon as she gets back. Sorry for the delay!
  • PSHEexpertPSHEexpert Posts: 168Volunteer community adviser Pioneering
    Dizzydoodah - I've FINALLY seen your comment about your hot date. See above for my explanation for my silence, I really am sorry. How are things going? :)

    I was thinking about your question around helping your partner feel more in control/masculine during sex. I always think about a very dear friend of mine who had incredibly limited movement from the shoulders down at all but had a VERY happy fiancee! I know we often say that the brain is the most important sex organ, but I think it's really true. If there are issues with mobility/motor control/sensitivity, they don't have to be a massive problem - you can create very intense, sexy, intimate scenarios by talking - giving instructions, for example? (ahem! I'm aware this might be a family audience!) You don't have to be taking control in a specifically physical way for it to be incredibly enjoyable and sensual for both partners...
    - Gill 
  • mossycowmossycow Posts: 486Community champion Pioneering
    Hi,  I'm no expert but have some experience in trying to be creative around pain and limited Abilities regarding sex. Firstly,  nice one for meeting someone lush :wink:

    I agree with above that anything is possible in the imagination!  Have some very naughty conversations,  ask each other questions and be honest about what's possible and what's not. Watch naughty stuff too... 

    Make sure you plan ahead...  Make sure medication is at its most helpful, prepare a comfy place and have lots of time.  Remember that sex isn't a performance,  it's a shared,  fun experience that can be messy,  go wrong then go very very right...  It's all good! 

    "I'm trying to live like a random poem I read that ended 'to bloom where we are planted"

  • DizzydoodahDizzydoodah Posts: 6Member Listener
    It all ended fairly quickly (no pun intended!)
    he was chatting with other women online and trying to arrange dates. 
    "Keeping his options open" this was after he wanted a firm commitment from me so he "didn't get hurt"
    not a very nice person at all at the core 
  • mossycowmossycow Posts: 486Community champion Pioneering
    Sorry to hear.  Darn it,  better luck next time

    "I'm trying to live like a random poem I read that ended 'to bloom where we are planted"

  • PSHEexpertPSHEexpert Posts: 168Volunteer community adviser Pioneering
    That's rubbish news!  I'm so sorry to hear it - but on the other hand, if he wasn't on the same page as you (it seems like he had different expectations about relationships, perhaps, if he was still deciding?) then perhaps it's for the best.  I do think that online dating certainly has its pitfalls as well as its benefits - and this aspect of it is certainly one I wish didn't happen quite so often.  

    HOWEVER.  It's the weekend - onwards and upwards; I wish you the very best of luck and hope you find someone who's putting the same level of commitment and energy in as you are.  Stay focused on what's right for you and don't settle for something that doesn't feel right.  All the very best. 
    - Gill 
  • DizzydoodahDizzydoodah Posts: 6Member Listener
    Well, he wanted a full commitment from me and pushed for it. He told his family about me very quickly. I was feeling a little rushed by it but I was happy to be exclusive. Sadly this happens a lot and it wasn't a same page thing but a 'wanting his cake and eating it' 
    it was quite some time ago now and I'm very happy being a single Pringle! 
  • JudomandeanJudomandean Posts: 46Member Connected
    people need to remember not everyone who has CP is a cool and good person ( know I am but hey I just a good guy haha)  it's about the person NOT the condition.
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