Hello there - and first off, I'm so sorry to hear about what happened with your date. That's really miserable. I hope you're feeling a bit better about it today, and if there's anything positive to be taken from it - at least he was honest, and you got to find out early on that he wasn't going to be much of a prospect if he couldn't even meet you to find out if you got on. I know it's very small comfort indeed, but at least you didn't waste your time on someone whose view of relationships and intimacy is focused on whether they can achieve a certain kind of sex with their partner, and who was so disrespectful of your time. There's SO much focus on penetrative sex as some kind of goal, and it's very misleading. So: deep breaths. I also think that Tinder (and the like) can be pretty punishing, just as an aside - there are some amazing folks out there, but to some extent there can be an element of depersonalisation, and having experienced it myself (along with other friends who have been doing the same thing), it can be very hurtful. I didn't always disclose my disability and it was a very complex process. I read an interesting final column just this week from a woman who had been using dating websites later in life and although her situation is very different from yours, and mine, it still had some good insights in it (particularly about how people act on such platforms), which you can read here: http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/apr/02/from-oddballs-to-indiana-jones-my-online-search-for-love
Anyway that's a complete aside - I did (eventually) get some responses from my contacts and I must apologise for the long delay. There were various different professional backgrounds and all made the same disclaimer that without being able to carry out a consultation or examination, these are really speculative suggestions. One of the ones that sounded most helpful was to see about finding a pelvic physiotherapist who specialises in working with problems (including spasms) in that area. There were suggestions around exercises potentially with your own use of dilators, which I believe can be part of a treatment programme that is sometimes used for vaginismus/vulvodynia. In this country, a psychosexual therapist would usually support women who experience this problem, and I know that in my local area, they are accessed through GU services. There was also discussion around whether botox could provide any relief, as it has been used to treat leg spasm - maybe? - and also around whether timing any medication could help with reducing things, but I wasn't sure whether that was applicable to you. I had some slightly more graphic/specific suggestions too but am slightly unsure as to whether I should post them here publicly. Drop me a line at [email protected] so I can email them to you privately with a bit more of an explanation?