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I would like my son to have a female partner

sexsex Member Posts: 7 Listener
This discussion was created from comments split from: Hi, I'm Gill, I'm a full-time PSHE Specialist.


  • sexsex Member Posts: 7 Listener
    Hi ,Q ! re couples dating with leaning difficulties.
    Our son has a few relations ships ( he is 42) with mild
    learning difficulties.He has had a few relationships all
    were disastrous for many reasons.He has deciided to stay single.He has a few close male friends he does like the female sex and if a lady came along and it felt right I am sure he would date.However he will not look for a female partner been to a few singles clubs did not get on too well.His mum & I would like him to have a female partner but we do not put any pressure on him.Any advice.
    My wife is desperate to have grandchildren.We lost our younger son (not married) to leukemia 7 years ago.any advice ?
  • PSHEexpertPSHEexpert Volunteer community adviser Posts: 170 Pioneering
    Hello there and thank you so much for posting your question. Firstly, how lucky your son is to have such support from his parents around his romantic and sexual life! It's great that you are in support of his having a relationship if that is what he wants. It does sound, though, as if he has made a decision to step back from seeking a partner indefinitely. This could be for many reasons, although I am sure that past negative experience has got a lot to do with it - and that's often the case for many people regardless of their circumstances. Whilst I realise you absolutely have his best interests and happiness in mind, there are a few things to consider I think. Firstly, although I am very sure you don't put any pressure on him, is he aware of your wish for grandchildren? That could be a very scary prospect for him if he's worrying about his ability to make a relationship work - putting children in the mix could leave him feeling subconsciously as if he needs to steer a relationship go in a particular direction which might not be the right one for him and a potential partner. Have you talked to him about whether he would like children in the future? What does he say? Also, I think it could be useful to hear from him his reasons for choosing not to look for another partner - is he able to identify what was going wrong? Was he worried about the potential sexual element, for example? I wonder has he had any proper sex and relationships education? There's lots to take into consideration. May I ask you whereabouts in the country (no specifics!) you live? I wonder if there could be anywhere that he could access that could support him with specific issues.
    - Gill 
  • Kathy_BramleyKathy_Bramley Member Posts: 132 Courageous
    Sometimes prospective grandparents can adopt a local family, friends from community activities like church that they know well. Also a few formal matching organisations exist, I believe. But I don't know much about them. 

    Maybe research parenting with disabilities as background. 

    Being a parent with disabilities can be an extremely beautiful thing, but it can be extremely hard, and losing children feels like all the chickens home to roost in prospect alone. Andvsometimesthe worlddoes feelranged against you. Leaving them whether it's because you can't cope or otherwise just as much and then some, all the chickens home to roost and is subject to judgment, just even in prospect. Maybe less so for men than me, but it's still quite a big deal. How men feel about themselves, just like women can be deeply affected. With low confidence and the inherent status in society at present you're starting from a low bar, below even. You need galvamisation and a reason to remember you wanted this to carry on through. People can be very harsh about even having thought about it. About people they simply disagree with having children, even, politics 2017!  I am trying not to analyse your psychology too much as it's not fair but you should, would you like him to sew his oats and step in when social services came to call like rescuing heroes?  What are the risks and benefits, the pros and cons? You dont need me to tell you your children are yours and their own selves, and parents likewise. There's big sympathetic losses when you lose a child, more than the child and their future, but is the possibility of pressure and the risks of doing that OK? People with learning disability are often vulnerably sensitive to pressure out of all nonverbal signals,and it can lead to stress coming out in unpredictable ways. Like wet sand. As a mum with specific learning difficulty/special needs myself, and mum of children with learning disability and autism. And interested in the subject generally.  
    Lucky unlucky
    Guess my diagnosis,
    It may help, but
    Don't guess my kids's
  • Kathy_BramleyKathy_Bramley Member Posts: 132 Courageous
    I desperately wanted kids, partly just to prove myself normal which was a bad reasoning, it was a lot harder than I thought, and support services have been a mixed bag. The stress inside my relationship with my husband, higher functioning in most but not all ways has always been high and that's a mixed bag too. He has found it very to difficult to cope with me and the children, their difficulties, his,mine, and interventions and work. Any of those singly was hard. 
    Lucky unlucky
    Guess my diagnosis,
    It may help, but
    Don't guess my kids's
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