Dating and relationships
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Anyone here locked out of love life because of disabilities?

FundamentalistFundamentalist Member Posts: 134 Courageous
Hi, Fm here again. I know this can be a very emotive subject but it's one that needs dealing with. Is there anyone here who is, or feels they are locked out of all love life because of severe disability? I generally find that if you want or need someone to love then you're expected to fulfil a great long list of criteria like this: first you're expected to be fully "sociable", i.e., you must be able to like what "everyone else" likes and fit into a "social" environment like a rowdy restaurant or a pub etc., or a cinema, you must like alcohol and all the rowdy places that serve it, you must like dogs, you must have great prospects, i.e., must have top qualifications and a top job of some kind, you must like baking heat and be able to go on holiday to frying hot climates, you must like rowdy partying, you must be able to travel all over the place and like it, you must be able to live with someone, you must be able to reproduce easily and safely and produce healthy kids, you must be able to be a parent, if you can't reproduce then you must be able to adopt or foster etc., you must be able to share just about anything like watching TV, you must be able to live just about anywhere no problem, you must be able to get on with everyday life without appalling disruption like I have, you must be a really happy type with no serious problems like I have etc., the list goes on and on. Well EXCUSE ME! I can't meet ANY of that criteria! Far too many expect far too much! This is the kind of situation I find myself in and I have loads of real love to give and plenty of real serious affection but I have to keep it all bottled up which is not natural and not healthy either. Dating sites are no use to me for the reasons stated above and I generally find that they're far too elitist anyway and there seems to be only elite professional classes that use them. There is never anyone anywhere near even remotely suitable for me at all. Even on "disabled" dating sites you're still expected to have a right rip-roaring joyride life which I certainly don't, it could hardly be more the total opposite. And the disabled dating sites are all too often just run by big companies who only do the disabled service as a side line along with several other categories. Anyone else got anything like similar experience? I've been needing someone since I was about 14 and I've been waiting about 40 years now and the company of a nice friendly and understanding woman at my level is the only thing in this world that ever makes me feel good but so far I've only had the odd conversation and the odd hug and then they disappear for good. I can't possibly offer any sex either as I absolutely mustn't risk getting anyone pregnant with all the dreadful things I'm infected with and I don't mean things like aids or hiv, no, I mean all the appalling disabilities and disorders I've got which are all inherited from an unfit parent and as we all know contraception doesn't always work. Fm.

Replies

  • bambam Member Posts: 331 Pioneering
    I find people don't give me a chance because I have ms. I'm lonely but there's really not much I can do about it.
  • CathyInSouthAfricaCathyInSouthAfrica Member Posts: 16 Connected
    I wish there was a way for all the lonely people to meet up.
  • FundamentalistFundamentalist Member Posts: 134 Courageous
    Hi, Fm here again. The rich professional classes are often going on about their "high standards" on their fancy dating sites, but I have some of my own too, but a bit different to theirs as follows: 1, to start with I would expect a potential companion to be seriously God fearing as I am. 2, I would also want someone who is seriously loyal and honest and trustworthy as I would ALWAYS be, I would NEVER betray anyone's trust, that is unthinkable, what good is someone who can't be trusted? 3, I would also need someone who is seriously CLEAN living like I've described myself on my introduction on here. 4, Also I would need someone who is really open minded, I can't stand closed minded ignorance. 5, Also I need someone who is really quiet and not frequently lurching into raucous cackling fits as so many do, but at the same time someone who has a strong assertive character as I have. 6, Someone who is not so materialistic as so many are. 7, Someone who really appreciates affection, far too many have no idea how to. 8, Someone who has really strong morals, principals,values and standards like I have. 9, Someone who is at my level! We live in a very multi-levelled society and everyone needs someone at their own level. 10, Someone who like me is unable to work so I can be on somewhere near equal terms with them. 11, Someone who DOESN'T like DOGS, they're nothing but a MENACE to me, no other animal treats me the way they do, so brutally hostile!, 12, Someone who doesn't like alcohol or any of the rowdy venues that serve it, including licenced restaurants. 13, Someone who is not into rowdy partying of any kind. 14, Someone who like me doesn't share the virtually standard obsession with baking, frying heat. 15, Someone who like me has plenty of essential time. 16, Someone who like me has kept their self totally natural, i.e., no suntan or hair dyes or gels, etc., and definitely no dreadful tattoos or piercing anywhere!, or any "cosmetic" surgery. 17, And finally someone who could somehow accept me as I am, I can't help what I've inherited. Now let's see what any "relationship expert" has to say about that lot! Fm.
  • bambam Member Posts: 331 Pioneering
    I think most of us would enjoy having someone who is positive and nice in their life
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 689 Listener
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
  • Sam_ScopeSam_Scope Member Posts: 7,732 Disability Gamechanger
    @DannyMoore I think that is a great attitude, friendships and relationships are about quality over quantity.
    Scope
    Senior online community officer
  • chasnbonschasnbons Member Posts: 60 Courageous
    @DannyMoore I agree with both you and @Sam_Scope here.  I'd go for quality over quantity every time.  I used to have loads of mates and a few friends (believe me there's a massive difference in the two) I now have very few mates (their loss) and a few more friends (who used to be mates) I can hardly go out nowadays which is why the mates vanished, but the friends are still here and it is THEY who make the effort to either visit me or ring, text, email etc.  

    Ok this isn't an every day thing (they have their own lives and families), but they DO keep in regular contact and to be honest it's so much nicer to get a call etc when you aren't expecting one.  I also know that if I call them, even just for a moan, they will be there to listen or advise.  I consider myself very lucky in having the friends I have :)
  • FundamentalistFundamentalist Member Posts: 134 Courageous
    edited December 2016
    Hi from Fm again. Needless to say there are some further points I missed out of my list of qualities. I would also like someone who never smokes. I keep myself clean and clean shaven and tidy. Also I would really prefer someone of thoroughly civilised character. And being civilised doesn't mean being posh as so many think, that I know, both my parents came from intense poverty but were both thoroughly civilised and brought me up the same. And a lot of those who are "posh" are anything but civilised, just ask any escort agency, they know! Fm. EDITED BY MODERATOR
  • chasnbonschasnbons Member Posts: 60 Courageous
    Sorry admin but enough is enough @Sam_Scope I've emailed a formal complaint to you.  If this post is considered unacceptable then please feel free to remove both the post and me from the site.
     
    @Fundamentalist

    I've read enough, sorry but you need to THINK who you might upset or offend before you post, and stop tarring everyone who doesn't meet you 'requirements' with the same brush.  I'm a smoker and am in no way shape or form 'slovenly' 

    https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/slovenly ....

    I'm neither untidy or dirty, in fact quite the opposite and take great exception and offence to the fact that you have the gall to say that in your eyes, seeing as I'm a smoker, I MUST be a revolting sloven.  This statement alone rather negates your latter statement, that you are 'civilized'.

    You obviously have VERY strong views on things, but this in no way means that they are all correct.  It's hardy surprising to me that you claim people in your area don't like you if you speak to them like you type on here!


  • FundamentalistFundamentalist Member Posts: 134 Courageous
    Hi once again from Fm. I do indeed have a whole range of seriously strong hardline views on a whole range of subjects, some of them too strong to share publicly as I would risk being arrested or kicked off the site which wouldn't be the first time. And when it comes to things like smoking it's only the activity itself I don't like, I've nothing personal against any individual who does it, if they want to ruin their health that's their business. And as for those who hate me in my local area it's only those who are dreadfully anti-social and are well out of order and think they can just casually and arrogantly barge into someone's life and take over, just like so many countless brutal dictator regimes in the colonial era, including the British government of the time. who went around the world forcing their way into other countries just to build an "empire" and forcing the natives into submission and dreadful misery and often slavery. Some of our cities have huge great buildings which were built on the profits of such appalling persecution and they should be demolished. I seriously and passionately care about anyone vulnerable, especially little children and those who like me have absolutely ruined lives through no fault of their own, as well as battered wives and the homeless etc. And if you read the Gospels you will see that Jesus said that "the world will hate you because of me". He was speaking about the era we're in right now. It's because of the way I get treated by anti-social individuals that I've become so hardline, hardline but certainly NOT hard-hearted, unlike some. I give compassion and respect where it's due and those who are out of order get told and they always start it, every time. There are far too many all over the place who think they own people and like to live by fear and intimidation and it's them who hate me because I won't take any cr#p from them and the police never want to know, they just keep trying to criminalise me just because I stand up and defend myself and I often see disabled folk on their own on the buses and I keep watch in case any idiot starts picking on them and if they do they'll have me to deal with. I'll say something like "have you got a problem with disabled folk? perhaps you'd like to try it with me, I've got about EIGHTEEN disabilities, why don't you get off the bus with me? " I bet you wouldn't like my poetry either, it's a bit strong flavoured and all based on real-life experience and definitely not broadcastable! There are some things in this world where you have to take a thorough hard line. Fm.
  • bambam Member Posts: 331 Pioneering
    I only have two things I like in a mate.they have to be honest and kind.
  • Sam_ScopeSam_Scope Member Posts: 7,732 Disability Gamechanger
    @Fundamentalist I need to remind you of our community guidelines, we want the community to be a safe and supportive place. Please make sure your messages respect other users’ views and suggestions, even if you don’t agree with them.

    Take care to present your views tactfully, be aware that your views may upset and offend other members. 

    Your comments can be seen as controversial and whilst you are entitled to your opinion, you need to see how this effects others and consider how you share them.  

    Before you post, perhaps you can question, is this relevant? Is this useful? Will this upset other members? 

    If you continue to post content that is upsetting to the community, the consequences will be 

    1. Formal warnings
    2. Editing/Removal of posts
    3. Temporary or permanent banning from the site.
    I hope you can work out another way to communicate your feelings in a way that isn't upsetting to the community and we can enjoy your involvement here.
    Scope
    Senior online community officer
  • chasnbonschasnbons Member Posts: 60 Courageous
    @Sam_Scope Hopefully we can now all move on , get along and be the nice community we are used to.  Many thanks and Happy Christmas to all :smile:
  • Sam_ScopeSam_Scope Member Posts: 7,732 Disability Gamechanger
    edited December 2016
    I hope so too @chasnbons :) 


    Scope
    Senior online community officer
  • FundamentalistFundamentalist Member Posts: 134 Courageous
    Hi from Fm. Has anyone here ever tried joining a disabled or even another "dating" site only to find themselves totally locked out because they require an "activation" email that never arrives? This has happened to me twice now and the first time I tried to deal with it using their web form but I just got totally ignored so I tried sending a message to their email address which I had to search for as it wasn't on their site and all I got back was stupid prewritten automated messages telling me I had to enter a code that would be in any correspondence that I had received from them, but I hadn't received any such correspondence so how could I have such a code? And when I tried contacting them again all I got just more automated nonsense that was no help whatsoever. And I couldn't even unregister, all I could do was log in and do nothing else because the account wasn't and couldn't be "activated" and there was no obvious means of closing it, what good is that? what absolute stupidity. So how come other folk could join but not me? And now I've tried another disability "dating" site only for the same to happen again, so what's going on? has someone somewhere put me on some kind of "blacklist"? and if so why? There's too many questions that never get answered and it absolutely enrages me the sheer number of things I'm locked out of because someone or something somewhere is determined to keep it that way and I've had nonsense like this all my life, it's always "we can,you can't, ha, ha! up yours jack! And this time I'm waiting for a reply as it was only a couple of days ago and this time there's an email address on the site and a phone number so I hope I can talk to someone and not just get a load of totally useless and downright infuriating automated nonsense again like before. It makes me wonder if the same big corporation is running all these sites and they've somehow found out that I'm not a so-called "preferred" member so I'm deliberately locked out. So it looks like I really am "locked out" of all love life and just expected to live like some kind of tortured zombie or like some kind of soulless drone totally devoid of almost all emotion, at least any remotely positive emotion anyway and I'm absolutely sick and tired of it. Anyone else here had a similar problem with any such site? Fm.
  • bambam Member Posts: 331 Pioneering
    Hello @Fundamentalist have you found any sites were disabled people go to meet each other? I've never found anything like that. Spread the news let us all know
  • catchacold2catchacold2 Member Posts: 19 Connected
    I think a few people ( not many I am glad to say) would always find it hard to find a mate even if they did not have their disability. They just like to think that their disability is the reason when in fact their attitude may very well stink. Just a thought
  • FundamentalistFundamentalist Member Posts: 134 Courageous
    Hi from Fm. That's could well be true, I've met plenty who's attitude really does stink, including quite a few coppers. If you go on google and type in disabled dating, followed by your country's ID, in my case UK, you will find plenty of disabled dating sites but beware, some of them are infected with malware, my security has flagged one site as dangerous so make sure you've got adequate security on your system, the best you can afford, the free ones are a waste of space, I know from dreadful experience. Also make sure you know what you're getting into, do read all the terms and the privacy policy and remember it's all legally binding and some are free and paid for by advertising but some of them also sell your details all over the place so don't give away anything too personal, save that for when you meet someone if you're lucky enough. Also bear in mind what I've written in my last post above, some of those sites require an "activation" code which is supposed to be emailed to you straight away when you register but the last two sites I tried to register with totally failed to deliver it so I'm effectively locked out of their sites and why I don't know, I don't know if they know why either. Also some disabled sites are independent and some are just run by big corporations who just do the disabled thing as an extra line of business and they are less likely to be helpful if anything goes wrong. Also NEVER let yourself fall victim to any serious scams on dating sites as that's where a lot of really serious scammers operate, don't let yourself be drawn into handing over any money to strangers, if they're genuine folk looking for company they won't want you to hand over any money, only the criminals do that, so be warned. Fm.
  • bambam Member Posts: 331 Pioneering
    Hello @Fundamentalist any you don't have to pay for?
  • chasnbonschasnbons Member Posts: 60 Courageous
    I think a few people ( not many I am glad to say) would always find it hard to find a mate even if they did not have their disability. They just like to think that their disability is the reason when in fact their attitude may very well stink. Just a thought
    I totally agree with you, which is why I have blocked certain people's posts. 

    They tend to make my blood boil and cause me so much stress that I find it's simply not worth me reading them, the annoying thing is though, even though they are blocked I STILL get notifications telling me they have posted something :(
  • FundamentalistFundamentalist Member Posts: 134 Courageous
    Hi all, Fm here again. The reason I've always been alone is simply because I've HAD to be because of a whole long list of appalling things I was infected with by a totally unfit father. Would you consider getting involved with someone who can't go to a restaurant or a cinema because of all the absolutely excruciating noise? Or someone who can't go ANYWHERE hot? Who can't go out in the sun when there's a heat wave and they have to stay in bed all day with a dirty great fan running on full blast over the bed all night as well as day? Who can hardly move a muscle without absolutely drowning in absolutely appalling levels of uncontrollable extreme sweat? Or someone who can't travel on an all open train carriage or go on a plane because of all the absolutely brutal noise? Someone who's whole everyday routine is severely disrupted? That is how it is for folk like me, it has NOTHING to do with so-called "attitude", it's those are just too quick to (mis)judge whose attitude absolutely stinks just like those coppers who try and falsely criminalise me just for fully justifiably sticking up for myself which I've every right to do, I'm not anyone's doormat, or football or toilet or whatever. And I'll stick up for anyone else who gets picked on just because of something they can't help, It's those commit such appalling crimes against the vulnerable, THEIR attitude absolutely stinks. So don't be so quick to judge someone you've never met and you don't even remotely know. Those who do know me know what a highly complex and compassionate character I am but then there are those who only see the things they can use as a lame excuse to try and judge me without knowing anywhere near the full facts, they just assume things based on a tiny little snippet of information, the whole is greater than the sum of the parts and assumption is the mother of all foul-ups! This situation is a bit like those secular folk who like to try and catch out Christian preachers and try and put them on the spot, well if I was a preacher I would just turn it around and put THEM on the spot right in front of all the other folk there. Anyone normal wouldn't have anything to do with me because they're too used to having whatever they want far too easy which is why I need someone at my own level who would try and understand me and my situation but for some unknown reason those who control the websites seem to have some kind of prejudice against me once again without knowing a thing about me that they need to know before making any kind of judgement so that's another reason why I'm alone. How else can I find any company unless I can join a site for disabled folk to meet someone? What other means is there for anyone like me? But just as it's always been for me all my life there are those who are determined to keep me locked out of anything remotely enjoyable, it's THEIR attitude that stinks and it's all because I can't meet their demanding standards which they always expect. One thing I really hate is grossly condescending attitudes. And perhaps it's time this thread was closed. Fm.
  • Chris_ScopeChris_Scope Member Posts: 695 Pioneering
    Hi @Fundamentalist, regarding the activation codes that don't arrive, have you checked your 'junk' email folder?

  • FundamentalistFundamentalist Member Posts: 134 Courageous
    Hi from Fm. Yes, I've checked every folder and there's nothing. So I've sent them a message on their web form last Thursday and still there's nothing back and it said they aim to get back in 12 to 48 hours, working days of course and that's expired now so I'll have to send them an email now and see what happens and if there's still no satisfactory response I'll have to try phoning them and I hope I can talk to someone on a clear line and not get a load of automated garbage like I do with utility firms. Fm.
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