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Online date

Nicky22Nicky22 Posts: 5Member Listener
Can't believe my son is going to take 2 long train journeys tomorrow to meet a girl he's apparently been chating to online. I have a very bad feeling about it but I'm limited to what I can do. He's an adult at 20yrs old with aspergers and vulnerable.  He has only told me her name and what train station he meeting her at. Pushing him for info is only causing anger, Any advice welcome. 

Replies

  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 689 Listener
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
  • TopkittenTopkitten Posts: 1,003Member Pioneering
    The problem with dating and disability is the low number of prospective people to date, especially for the young. Meeting online is often the only way unless there is a local disability centre.

    I can understand your concern but why not go along and make sure he is ok before going off on your own if it is ok? Supporting him may actually help in future situations as well as being there for him if it goes wrong.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • Nicky22Nicky22 Posts: 5Member Listener
    Thanks for the replys. Taking mum with him is a no go area. I even offered to pay her fare. He has an answer for everything, I know if I push this he'll flipout on me. I just hope it really is a 19yr old Amy and not a 50yr old Frank. Going to be a lonnnng long day for me. As far as I know I only have power over his finances. Fingers crossed for today and I'll keep u posted. Thanks for listening it really helps. X
  • Debbie_ScopeDebbie_Scope Posts: 947Member Pioneering
    Hi @Nicky22,

    Being a parent doesn't get any easier or less worrying as our children grow up. It becomes even more worrying when they start dating and meeting people online.

    Adult or not, our children have to respect that we are concerned for their safety. As capable and independent as they are we all have measures that we put in place just for a sense of security.

    If for example I was lone-working for Scope and travelling around the country. My manager would want to know that I am safe and can access help if I need it. We have policies and procedures to point us in the right direction and adhere to for our safety.

    It's not the case that you want to deny your son the opportunity to go dating you just need to know that he's going to be safe. I'm sure he will be too and if not, I'm sure he's equipped with all the knowledge he needs to manage an unsafe situation. It's usually pretty certain that if something does goes wrong, Mum is the first point of contact. All you can do as a parent is give them the tools and knowledge to be independent and know how to deal with situations.

    Try not to worry too much today, there's no harm in a quick text during the day to check-in with him and make sure everything is ok.

    Let us know how things go and whether the day was successful. It's always so sweet to see new relationships form.

    I'm a parent too and my eldest is now an adult and I've been through all of the dating worries, as I'm sure a lot of people have too. You're not alone and if you need to talk further get in touch.

    Best wishes
    Debbie
  • Barrylad1957Barrylad1957 Posts: 100Member Courageous
    @Nicky22
    Its a bit of a sod when they decide to do this, and I know from family experience how you must be dreading it. He obviously loves you, and in his heart knows that youve only got his best interest at heart; maybe you could illicit a couple of 'fail safe' promises from him? Like, if he arrives at the destination, and the person isnt there, that he come straight home? That, if the person's age, or gender, do not tally with his expectations, that he ring you immediately, and/or just turn and get back on the train? Stress to him that you care only about him, and that If 19 yr old Amy appears to be older than she has stated, looks nothing like how she has shown him on line, if she is a Frank, or, if she "sends her Dad or brother" to pick him up from the station, that she has been lying to him and is not worth meeting with anyway. He will listen to you, because he loves you, and, he probably hasnt grown to 20 yrs old with his disability without developing some "Spidey Senses" of his own that, if even the slightest thing is out of kilter with his expectation, he will walk away and regroup. If he normally keeps his word to you, get him to promise that he will walk away if he smells a rat, and that he will conduct the entire date in a public place and not go home with this person, whatever she looks like. My grandson (who is on the spectrum and has other difficulties) embarked on a similar sojourn last year to meet a lad his own age he had met through online gaming; Despite making him swear to all the gods that he would walk away and phone us if any little thing was wrong, me and my best mate actually followed him to the assignation in Chester, and stalked them all day. I'd gone ready to kill, I had wound myself up about it so much, and was embarrassed to discover that the lad was, in fact, Luke's age group, and had similar life challenges. They are now best friends, and it has made such a vast difference to the quality of his life, I'm ashamed that we tried to talk him out of going. 
    Your son loves you, and doesnt want you to be worried, I'm certain, so, get assurances from him, and be there for him. I hope it all goes well, and that your son makes a new and lasting friendship.
  • Nicky22Nicky22 Posts: 5Member Listener
    Well thank God everything went well. Actually too well LoL. He was only talking to the virgin train driver who let him go in the 1st class carriage and being the only person in it was waited on hand and foot. Served hot meal, he choose the fish with glass of coke.  He was high as a bloody kite about how awesome the seats were. oh yeah and he said amy was ok they went to see IT at the cinema then went straight bk to talking about the virgin train and how it was the best experience ever. He's still absolutely buzzing (not about Amy) about the bloody train! He's now searching 1st class prices cause he wants to do it again. Anyway I'm really glad Amy turned out to be real and who knows maybe they will meet up again. Thankyou for listening and to everyone that messaged bk. ill sleep much better tonight. X
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 689 Listener
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  • Barrylad1957Barrylad1957 Posts: 100Member Courageous
    @Nicky22
    What a brilliant end to a worrisome few days for you. Great that he enjoyed himself so much, travelling 1st class, getting fed, meeting a new friend, and a movie. Happy for you both.
  • Nicky22Nicky22 Posts: 5Member Listener
    I've never seen him so happy. He usually stays in his room even eats in his room, but last night he sat with me to well after midnight talking and laughing.  was definitely a successful day. Xx
  • CockneyRebelCockneyRebel Posts: 5,249Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    That sounds very positive, so happy for you :)
    ( even if your son is going to be a train spotter )

    CR
    Be all you can be, make  every day count. Namaste
  • Debbie_ScopeDebbie_Scope Posts: 947Member Pioneering
    Hi @Nicky22,

    What a relief for you! What a wonderful day he had on the train too, this sounds pretty much like it was the highlight of the trip. Well done to Virgin for outstanding customer service. I think he may be taking quite a few trips out on the train now. It's really good news that the day was a success.

    Thanks for letting us all know how he got on, it's a nice cheerful start to a wet and windy Monday morning!

    Best wishes
    Debbie
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