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don't feel I deserve my partner due to my disability

sleepyDsleepyD Posts: 1Member Listener
edited December 8 in Dating and relationships
Hi all I am new here little shy about talking  about things in general as I v rarely see anybody other than my partner and one of my 4 children I am divorced and met my new partner who been with 12yrs and would love to marry me but I can't tie him down to me even though we have son tog I def don't feel I deserve him due to my disability I feel less than half person I was he is beautiful and could have his pick of women but he is still with me n our son I can't give him what he needs I can't even cook so y should he stay with me I live in bed 90 plus percent of my life on my side sleeping does anyone else feel this way I have lost few friends I had one was found dead in her bed n she was like a sister to me I shared everything with her we used to laugh so much tog this is so hard to write but this is all this is me n my life sorry xxx

Replies

  • steve51steve51 Posts: 1,970Member, Community champion Chatterbox
    Hi @sleepyD

    A very very big welcome to you this morning.

    Please please have a good look around.

    If there is anything that I can help/support you with please let me know????
  • Sam_ScopeSam_Scope Posts: 3,714Administrator Scope community team
    Hi @sleepyD welcome to the community, I am very sorry for the loss of your friend, what a difficult time for you.

    You say you have been with your partner for 12 years, so he seems like he wants to be with you, I do understand where you are coming from.  I have a chronic illness and have had a lot of surgery which has changed my body a lot.  I have fatigue and often I am in bed and I do worry about how this affects my relationship.

    What I think is hugely important is having open communication, if we don't speak to eachother then we make assumptions about how the other person is feeling and that can be quite wrong.

    Do you feel able to speak to your partner about how you feel? If you dont feel confident to speak the words, could you write a letter explaining your worries and concerns?

    Relate offer some great support and advice, either through councelling sessions, or if this isnt possible through financial or other reasons, there is a lot of great information and advice on the website.  

    I think it is great that you have joined and are talking about this, as I know you arent alone. Lots of disabled people have worries about the affect their impairment could have on their relationships.

    Best wishes
  • DannyMooreDannyMoore Posts: 634Member Chatterbox
    Hi @sleepyD,

    I've encountered many people who I offer help to and they don't like accepting things like help and money if they don't feel able to do anything in return. Is this the way you feel? you don't feel able to return the favour because of the shape you're in? 

    Try and know that what someone likes in return is not always physically touchable or a deed. When I willingly help someone I feel such a warm heart and blessed. The ones who let me help them help me feel so blessed and warm hearted in return. The greatest treasures can't be bought with money, we earn them. Trust is a treasure to me, I can't buy a person's trust, I have to earn it.

    If your partner's staying, there must be something he loves about you, you yourself might be someone he feels he needs in his life, please don't view yourself less special or less worthy just because you're disabled. If so, as long as you stay a part of his life you're returning the favour, fulfilling his desire, being an ear for him and his light. As known, love is light. For all the help he gives you, he may want nothing but your love in return, love is another treasure we cannot buy.

    I support @Sam_Scope advice, with communication being a requirement of a relationship try and communicate in one way or another.
    Don't Fear Your True Self
  • TopkittenTopkitten Posts: 258Member Chatterbox
    @sleepyD I completely understand where this comes from. 13 years ago I had a partner and we had been together a year. Things were really good between us. However, I started to have issues with pain causing me to lose my job, not be able to help around the house and not be intimate. This began to strain the relationship and eventually led to our one and only argument. I began to realise that whatever was wrong was not going to improve even after the surgery that was supposed to fix everything. I realised that not everything was related to their diagnosis, something else was happening. In addition to the normal strain I began to push her away deliberately because I knew that she would never cope long-term and would destroy herself trying, plus she had 2 youngish children who would also suffer. 12 years ago she left me and I was glad for her though she was very unhappy generally, believing she had failed me. I didn't tell her how I had manipulated her for 7 years, in case she came back.

    Did I do the right thing? Certainly I felt I was not worthy of her and that she could do better but was the hurt I caused worth it? We have talked since and both agreed my assessment of her was right and it was the best thing I could have done long-term but she had felt and will always feel guilty and feel she let me down.

    I am very good at assessing other people and, I believe I did the right thing. Only you can say whether your situation is similar. However, to me, your words and tone sound more like a mixture of depression and desperation rather than sound judgement. On that basis you need to discuss it with him and discover his reasons for staying. Only then should you make a decision. You don't say how long you have felt this way and how much you have thought about it. It took me almost a year to decide. Maybe you need to think longer?

    There is one other effect this decision has had on me. If I could not put someone who loves me and who I am settled with through my future then I most certainly could never do the same to someone just starting out with me. That being the case I could not risk even dating someone for fear they might want more. I have been single for 12 years. No dates, no lovers (unless paid for) and no love except from family. Are you prepared to accept the same constraints for yourself? Very few would or could.

    Maybe being single and lonely does not appeal in which case keep what you have but do discover the reasons.

    TK
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