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thespicemanthespiceman Posts: 4,775Community champion Disability Gamechanger
Hello everybody I just thought mention about what I do not miss about Christmas.  There has been a lot on this about being lonely and the anti social side.  I fully understand all that I am like in that group of people.  I thought I would talk about other side of Christmas.  Had a visit from a lad on Monday some one who has everything being great about Christmas.  Had never met any one like myself.  He left and the thoughts seem to be in my head.  So I need to talk about the suffering that I have had especially this time.  For the very beginning of my life Christmas haunted me.  Living with a family member especially my mother.  Who made my life so hard and ended up hitting and using intimidation, bullying, threats over the Christmas period.    I am still suffering and every day the day gets nearer I can feel her and the residues of what she has done.  This is not easy writing this.  Only the little things made a mountain out of a molehill.  Christmas has one has their ideal Christmas the turkey coming out of the oven, lovely decorated house, presents opening, the big movie on TV.  Family enjoyment forget it everybody striving and enduring Mother a total wasted day.  Myself hiding in case of family member instead of facing her taking out on me.  Alcohol plays a part.  Went away too expensive life time of fussing, bickering, arguing with staff.  Being racist because went to London staff ethnic.  I loved the staff always gave them card and gift.  Putting up with the problems she caused.  Now that idea of gift buying forget it.  All my mother did was rewrap it give it to some on else.  So as the years went on it got worse and worse.  All I did was work and work and get away from them.  Loads of volunteering on Christmas Day.  Unfortunately it made my mental state worse.  Doing crisis at Christmas.  Have not done it for about twenty years memories linger long.  Been every year now on own and I can see the misery, pain from one human being.  I struggle as many of our community Christmas Day and beyond.  I just want to say how I feel.  I have contacted Samaritians sometimes on the day that helps.  So this does being able to share.  Thank you all for reading this and being understanding


  • debkenzodebkenzo Posts: 110Member Pioneering
    Hello Spiceman. 
    I feel for what you have shared and thank you for your courage.  It is so sad for what our parents put us through in our childhoods that we allow to affect our adulthood.  It has taken me many years to shake off negative aspects of my mother.  I am 54years and from the beginning of my memories mother has played such a terrible role in my life.  I am a lot stronger now because i decided to not allow her to affect me any longer.  The grip she had on me was so strong that it takes a long time to loosen yourself away from it but is possible!!  It is easy for me to say this but please try to keep strong, keep your head held high as you can and you can find a way free from your past.  Your past will always be in your memories but try to find a way to keep it there and not to let your memories be in your present moment.  Your present moment is what is important right now.  Do not allow what happened in the past to make today miserable.  I don't even want to  bother with christmas at all but i must make a little effort for if i don't, then mother has Won again!!  
    Take care
  • thespicemanthespiceman Posts: 4,775Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    edited December 2017
    Hello @debkenzo  Thank you for replying and you comments.  Thank you for sharing your experiences.  I know it is not easy expressing our feelings and thoughts about a family member.  I understand that.  I will try to stay strong I use my own way to cope with the day.  Every one thinks this time should be a happy time but it is not for so many.  Just got to me the other day always in my head.  Have like  a trigger in my head and suddenly can recall what happened long a go.  I believe one day will be not there but sometimes they the memories last long and deep.  Scars are never easy to heal.  What irritates me is the never ending cycle of reminders every where of Christmas on the TV and radio constant battering of commercials and extravagance.  That does not help anybody like myself or others in similar position.  I hope and pray for you a message of support on the dreaded day.  You take care thank you.
  • Barrylad1957Barrylad1957 Posts: 100Member Courageous
    edited December 2017
    I hear you. Due to the nature of my job, I always worked Christmas, and didnt mind doing so, because I rarely enjoyed it or looked forward to it, thanks pretty much to the same experiences as you yourself. This is the first festive holiday I will have spent with my whole (remaining) family in over thirty years - I was in hospital last year. Tsk! - and, whilst I am enjoying the build up and the preparation, my own celebrations are, as usual, a bit subdued, and filled with anxiety. I too am haunted by the ghost of a damaged, perpetually drunk, and violent mother, who gleefully smashed our yuletide to pieces every year when we were kids.
    I always try to remind myself that, if I allow the memory of her to ruin the fun of this, or any other festival, then I have gifted her a victory over me and mine,
    Have a great holiday period, mate, as great as its possible for you and yours, and health and happiness for the coming year.
  • thespicemanthespiceman Posts: 4,775Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Barrylad1957 How are you?  Thank you for wise words and comments.  I know reading that I am not alone in this.  I do get wound up and upset with Christmas.  I recall one suggestion to a team leader of a charity I was in that every one should experience the other side of Christmas.  In the sense the homeless, those who living a life of poverty and the alone etc.  This came up because some people are like her spent nearly every minute, hour pratting on and banging on about it.  I sometimes can be cutting and straight to the point.  Why have everybody volunteer at Christmas.  Operate a system like the courts for juries.  This soon became evident to her about my dislike to Christmas.   What made even worse was the women in the charity were coming in to the office singing Christmas tunes and started playing them constant.  Enough was enough and I had to leave that volunteer role.  I had to talk about this.  It was bought home to me from reading the support I receive on the forum about this thank you.  One has to be honest and none wishes to ruin anybodys Christmas but this is like a chance to talk about something that is normally hid in private.  I was never allowed to discuss the problems that my mother had caused and the disturbing truth.  I have to try and move on but is it me it seems every year the season starts early.  I ended up in town buying and stocking up larder about a week ago.  Only go into town if have to.  Utter madness it is just one day.  Best wishes thank you and take care
  • Barrylad1957Barrylad1957 Posts: 100Member Courageous
    Hello mate, I'm quite well, all things considered; I've sort of kept on keeping on, if you know what I mean. Going with the flow has been surprisingly easy for me, because I have a great (and patient  :D) girlfriend, excellent kids, and grandkids - some of whom actually appear to be possessed by at least 3 demons each when they are all together, but are generally well behaved individually or in two's - The ghost of my mother has not appeared this year (not thus far, anyway), and I have been visited by some nephews and nieces who I usually only get to see at funerals.; one of my nieces has a boyfriend who reminds me of Russell Brand, so I may murder him before the day is out, but we shall have to see how it goes. Like yourself, the faux humanist spirit of the holiday has not infiltrated my soul, but as I say, so far its been an enjoyable experience. I have been presented with the usual collection of useless gift items - jumpers and other garments that I will NOT wear, wine I will not drink, etc. THEY are all listening to Christmas muzak, and I am upstairs listening to The Grateful Dead....
    I'm sort of missing my job, but if I was still in work, I would at this time be trudging exhaustedly through a 48 shift which would be only halfway over. I have elected to mind the family's small children and all the dogs later, so that the older kids and adults in the family may celebrate the season in relative peace and how they see fit. I am looking forward excitedly to the solitude tomorrow will bring, and already dreading New Year's Eve, but as a new experience, it hasnt been too bad. I hope you are not alone, and that you are safe, as well as you can possibly be, and that you have found something in the way of happiness.  I, myself, am slightly less moribund than usual, so for me, thats a result. Take care.
  • thespicemanthespiceman Posts: 4,775Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Barrylad1957 Thank you How are you?  Listening to Grateful Dead well that's great.  I like my rock stuff.  I shock people sometimes because of my music choices.  Was the lead singer Gerry Garcia who has passed away or was lead of Grand Funk Railroad, sorry get the groups mixed up.  Please correct me do not know everything.  Like a lot of stadium rock.  Love the touring stories and what the lifestyles they had.  B. B.C Four did a load of stuff on these groups and the lasting legacy of there music.  Still a Soul Fan and my Classic Music  Yes that the thing about Christmas all the stuff you get that you know you smile sweetly.  That is nice and you appreciate it but really are you going to wear that.  My favourite time is come January the car boots all the unwanted gifts people trying to get rid of.  My mother used to rewrap gifts she did not like to give to some one else.  One year give this gift to someone who had given her the gift previous years.  Total punch ups at dawn as they say.  I understand every ones situation about Christmas that is why I started writing about it.  I hope next year is going to be good for you.  I can appreciate the mis fortune of being unemployed.  What to do with yourself it is never easy but reading you seems to have you hands full.  Child minding and the like.  I know I am now long term sick but I had a job then business.  Worked all over Christmas to get away from annoyances and getting irritated by my family.  My sisters ongoing sagas to get a boyfriend and then rubbing people up the wrong way.  Reminding those who were single what it is like to be in a relationship.  Gory nauseating details of sex and the like.  In the end all of us regardless had to endure my Mother.  That is another reason I wrote the piece.  So many people have similar stories.  I hope everything turns out OK and best wishes take care
  • TopkittenTopkitten Posts: 972Member Pioneering
    I always find it most amusing when people refer to 'the other side' meaning being homeless. We live in a world where only money seems to matter and that has 2 sides, have's and have not's. In fact there are many other sides. Based on religion, health and many others. Unfortunately the people who come up with these ideas are usually incapable of seeing this as they deal with a black & white world. Trying to teach them shades of grey is pointless and frustrating.

    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • thespicemanthespiceman Posts: 4,775Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Topkitten ; How are you?  I suppose what would call the other side of Christmas.  I have met people who thinks Christmas marvellous and only regard themselves as generous full of spirit and the like.  An Image to themselves and the neighbours.  Have no understanding of anything like you mentioned.  Its all a sham and a farce.  Doing markets and buying and selling stuff unfortunately you have to go to places that have high levels of unemployment and poverty.  I am a realist but if you take some one with you who is not has no understanding of such aspects of life.  There eyes are opened to the world around them.  The day has already gone and I hear on the media that access for disabled in retail outlets are limited.  It is a world that I am becoming increasingly frustrated and annoyed with.  I am glad in the sense that at least I can be part of a community who understands me and gives me the opportunity to be heard.  Good to hear what you have to say as always.
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