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Im struggling

mazgomazgo Posts: 10Member Listener
edited December 2017 in Dating and relationships
Hiya, I’m struggling at this time through so many issues.i have a good amount of physical complaints inc widespread  Oc, fibro, under active thyroid, dystopia in hands/wrists, ibs n Hyatus hernia, divicular something plus few more for fun lol. I also have suffered with mental health issues.. such a new with it word now ??..
iver past 3 months I’ve lost brother in law n mother in law to cancer which was super ****!!! 
Two years ago I attempted an overdose but since then have felt like a newer me has been emerging.. but at costs.. my hubby of 24 years is everyone’s good dependable  m8, but not best supportive hubby. A few years ago while having a relaxed meal out in restaurant while chatting about our lack of intamcy he states that he no longer loves me as all he sees is my disability. I’ve tries so hard to make this right from not talking about pains etc to trying to improve myself looks ie new hair styles new underwear even me instigating our sex etc . But they were the Only times any intimacy happened. I try n broach the subject to get told ‘were ok as we are’   I’m putting pressure on him’   ‘Doesn’t the hassles ‘   Etc etc etc...while on our abroad holiday (first in years) even with a relaxed chilled time he still kept to himself even after I held his hands when could, kisses him etc etc. He has turned more to drink which after having an alcoholic father which mark new etc he still refuses to stop drinking claiming it’s his time n he only drinks Thursday to Sunday. Getting so pissed he went through a lovely time wearing in my Wardrobe, bedroom floor etc etc etc I’ve tried to leave him but he made life worse claiming it’s all me n he wouldn’t ever sell our house etc.. then our daughter got pregnant n all our life was put on hold...
this cold lonely life is totally taking it’s tol on my health. I’ve lost 1 1/2 stone in 3 months but not skinny (10.3 stone 5ft7) am just unable to eat re Lyceum playboys has now gone to my private parts which really hurts n my hyena etc constantly pains me when I eat a meal no matter how ‘good’ it is for Me. 
I do love mark but enough to continue like it?? No... but what if this is me wanting too much. I have a pa / home help as I struggle getting dressed meals prepared etc n no longer able to drive

Replies

  • steve51steve51 Posts: 5,673Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @mazgo

    Good morning & welcome!!!!

    I’m very very sorry to hear about your story to date!!!!!

    Please please let me know if I can offer you some help/support ?????
    Thanks.
  • Sam_ScopeSam_Scope Posts: 7,361Administrator Scope community team
    Hi @mazgo welcome to the community and thanks for sharing your story.

    It seems like your relationship is under a lot of strain, you ask if you are wanting too much, love and respect is key to a good relationship. If you would like to speak to someone about your relationship and the difficulties you are going through, you could speak to Women’s Aid, which has a 24 hour helpline (0808 2000 247). They can talk you through any issues and help you figure out what you’d like to do next. 

    Regarding your partner's alcohol intake, the NHS says this:

    If you're concerned about your drinking or someone else's, a good first step is to visit your GP. They'll be able to discuss the services and treatments available. 
    Your alcohol intake may be assessed using tests, such as the:As well as the NHS, there are a number of charities and support groups across the UK that provide support and advice for people with an alcohol misuse problem.
    For example, you may want to contact:
    • Alcohol Concern – runs the national drink helpline, Drinkline on 0300 123 1110
    For a full list of charities and support groups, see our page on alcohol support.


    Do you have anyone close to you that you can speak to? Perhaps talking to a friend could help?

    Scope
    Senior online community officer
  • bevt2017bevt2017 Posts: 353Member Pioneering
    Hi @mazgo
    I'm so sorry your going through a very rough time.
    I am also going through a similar situation with my husband.
    My husband is 15 years older than me,. And up until I became disabled, we had a very active sex life. Im deaf with a lot of neuroneurological problems. So having sex is something I try and put off. "Dizziness, sickness, ect."
    He always complains about how little sex we have. But I never mention the fact, that he's on tablets to help him. Like you everybody thinks my husband is awesome. But behind closed doors hes different. 
    All men bury there head in the sand. They think there not the problem, so they don't need the help. It sounds like you both need some sort of councilling?
    Good luck
    And all the very best 
  • Pippa_ScopePippa_Scope Posts: 5,858Member Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @mazgo, just to add to the above, we also have a sex and relationships expert who may be able to assist you with any specific queries or issues you have. I hope today is as kind as possible to you. 
  • mazgomazgo Posts: 10Member Listener
    Wow thanx all so much for your reply's. i to be honest never thought anyone would so again thank you, it really does help knowing i have someone who listens n understands if no a physical someone. Saying that i do have my 22 year old, mother of 2 amazing grandsons daughter and her partner, and my home help. other that that friends are thin on the round. not saying i have no one, just time just has flew by this year and other friends have had horrid times too, like friends who too have lost a parent, disabled etc etc...No life is idea/perfect.... just a mega ood dream tho..
    hubby, Mark won't quit drinking and thrust me ive asked so much over the years if he would like cut down the speed he drinks , no more home drinking. All he does now is buy cheap home-made wine/whiskey etc as since i handle all of the finances as mark ever want the hassle, I have stopped buying any in the house unless friends are round etc.I'm not suggesting mark never drinks, but only when out with friends and not to the point he is a total mess. (he did cut down when he was weeing in our bedroom, in our wardrobe over my clothes (which i then threw), over the floor, his bed, walls etc etc).
    I have over the 27 years of being together got to this point of enough is enough but always end up self blaming and taking myself off to the gp asking for some antidepressants again. Its been like a rollercoaster. two years ago i attempted an overdose. Sort of deliberate n not. the called it a pain overload. i was holding a photographic stall at a charity event in out village and because i was there 9-?? with no food n two cans of diet pepsi with max painkillers i dont remember the walk home, let alone the fact that i served my children raw rice etc, tried to walk ten miles to friends home etc etc. i do however remember taking the meds alcohol etc...3 days later n rest is repeated history, self blame .... But that and an amazing person at pain clinic changed me!! Im less n less self blaming. I do have the odd days like yesterday where i just thought maybe it is me n im bipolar etc. but 'I' pulled myself out of that.Not what u do if your bipolar??...
    I have decided to move out in January tho.Mark doesnt know. gabbie our daughter does n she is pleased which says everything. since she has her own mortgaged home she understands what is in front of her home eyes. etc. She loves her dad but understands my situation. Our son, ashley is another matter tho. he when his nan dies his two year relationship ended as his girlfriend was mega unsupportive tho we saw that coming for a long while before. Now tho, 6 weeks later, he is so different. He is smoking weed daily. Giving it the whats the point constantly. Yesterday was his birthday and i got him a fitbit watch. £120. All he could say was "Why? what made u think i would want this mum????". of first it was "oh its broken" after 5 mins trying to read the instructions etc. this is the lad who used to be a fitness guy and a techno lover. All gone in a matter of weeks. dont get him or it! Hes grieving ive no doubt but denies it totally.  "pleased she gone as not in any more pain" is all he said. tho marks family are no help at all. it transpires im/were not family. Marks sister (who married my brother) has took over her dads life as he "needs her". Mark is accepting of this but i'n sure he is hurting because of it, tho he is also i know pleased he is out of it too..  
    Life so mess up. No wonder my head is all over the place. I spent 15-20mins the other day trying to get into my own home. ran my son, daughter n mark just to check if they had lft the key in the door. Turns out i was locking the door from outside !!!.. What a **** was I. lol..haha
    I believe i had to get to this point in my life to be strong enough to leave. To love Mark a little less and I definitely have a lot less respect for mark. A worker he is for his boss and friends who he does cash work for. home, he too cant be bothered and now it is all getting too much and like where do u start. I loved our family home for years, but now, its only brick n mortar. Last time i tried to leave mark he made it very very clear he will not ever sell this house. So fine, this time im not even gonna bother. I will move out. Ive been trying to save a bit here n there, a jar of change here n a pot there.... It may be be massively loads, but im trying. Unfortunately i had my PIP lowered this year to all mobility n less care. resulting in £130 less a month.. but i also get eSA. Im hopeful it will be enough to live on after rent etc. around here im looking at £500-650 for a two bed house or flat. thats all my PIP n over a weeks ESA... but right now i would rather live on next to nothing that live this lonely existence. dont thing im entitled to any help because im on a mortgage???? any ideas ????
    Sorry for the Long Long moan again n i promise soon ths will be good chatta  not this moan n gloom...
    On one high not tho ive been asked again to do a portrait session for a facebook friend who has a 3 week old new baby girl... positivity !!!  

    thanx again to those who are kind enough to read n reply....xx
    merry christmas to all and a mega Happy and exciting new Year.xxx
  • mazgomazgo Posts: 10Member Listener
    Wat a prat I am. If I New how to delete last post I wold. My daughter told me me son rang her last nite crying saying I hate him n I’m making his life hell... 
    I’m a selfish cow. I won’t be on here now. I can’t leave mark. Ash would just hate me more n more like my brother n family. I just to forget me n be what ash needs. What have I done... so selfish. 
    I feel so #defeated
  • Sam_ScopeSam_Scope Posts: 7,361Administrator Scope community team
    Hi @mazgo
    I can delete the post if you would like but I think that you do need some support.  Please reach out and speak to someone, perhaps Womans Aid (0808 2000 247).
    perhaps the Scope helpline (0808 800 3333).

    I think it is really important to look after yourself, the best way that you can be a strong support for your family is by being happy and sorted yourself.  Your children will always need you but you can be a better mum if you are well supported and happy.  Your happiness is as important as everyone elses.

    I think you have been really brave to share on here and as you can see, we care, we have great members on the community who have been through so many different experiences, both good and bad so you sharing your experience means you can get support and you may even be helping others by talking about what you are going through.
    Scope
    Senior online community officer
  • JudomandeanJudomandean Posts: 46Member Connected
    Just because were are disabled (most of us on the site including myself will have cerebral palsy) we all still have wants, needs and desires and to feel loved is a very important need.  A good sex life brings us closer to one another and is also a stress buster which can make us feel more relaxed and indeed "Happier".  Do NOT put un with a none sex life if it is an important part of your life.  Good LUCK Dean (Judoman)
  • bevt2017bevt2017 Posts: 353Member Pioneering
    Hi @mazgo
    I can't really give you marrige advice. But if it was me having to deal with all that. My health and well being would be my priority.
    You can't live your life in so much misery.
    When my first husband left me with 3 young children. "He was having an affair" He stopped comming to see the children, he stopped paying the mortgage. The children had to go to councilling, I fought 3 court cases, divorce, house, and children. I never thought I could be so strong. I didn't have any family or friends to help me.
    But now I think it was The best thing he ever did.
    Me and my children are a lot happier now.
    I can only suggest that you have a family meeting? talk to your husband and children about how un happy you are. Do it through medication, councilling in a controlled inviroment.
    It sounds like he really does need help with his drinking. 
    I know all to well about depression, I've had it on and of since I was 11 yrs old, I'm now 45, with 3 suicide attempts.
    I hope you help yourself, you need to before you think about anyone else.
    Good luck for the future
    You deserve to be happy too
    I wish you all the best
  • mazgomazgo Posts: 10Member Listener
    WOW! Xx thanx so much for listening n not judging me.. today has been like a roller coaster horrid ride of emotions. I felt positive early am then my daughter told me of how my son is so low (daughter n son are amazingly close n talk more to each other which I’m so proud off) then I went into self destruct mode which is my as per normal. But my home help listened n although not giving advise she helped me see instead of feel if that makes sense..  
    i know in my head I Have to Get Out to help my children cope bettter in life themselves..enough with being a victim Maz.... I also realised that for me it’s either been Maz in self destruct mode  -  hating myself every time something goes wrong or I said/did something wrong in the family that may make me feel I was alike my parents etc or normally After counselling, I would feel in control of everything. The problem is mark can’t handle Maz in the mode, I’m more pliable in self destruct mode.. I take his blame etc etc .. the thing I come to sort of realise is I need to NOT hate Maz but equally Not try n control my kids etc n mark. Yet I know Mark for nds life better when there are NO FAMILY ISSUES EYC. He needs a smooth sailing life...he needed his mother!!!!....  
    a totally New concept but one of which I need/have to get my head around to survive etc... I have very little respect for mark except for his work ethics etc..
    so in the morning I’m gonna look up some of the suggestions offered n see if I can receive housing help for etc part of deposit  for move etccand advise re what to do with my home/mortgage etc etc especially if as before mark won’t sell........

    AGAIN MANY MANY THANKS, YOU ALL ARE ALL VERY MUCH APPRECIATED  XX
  • marshy1950marshy1950 Posts: 5Member Listener
    Hi Maz! 

    Where are you in the world? Are there maybe any of the supportive folk, on here, near to you? 

    Meeting up for a coffee is always good. It's doesn't need to be an amateur counselling session but just to speak to others, who also have issues - physical, mental, marital, social or even all four! - or even no issues at all, is liberating in itself! 

    When John Donne, way back all those hundreds of years ago, said "No man is an island" he was absolutely right. We are, you, me, all us here, not made to be lone characters in a monologue, though I accept that in some marriages/relationships, we feel as though were truly alone. 

    We are made to be social, gregarious people. If we'd been made to be alone, civilization would've stopped as soon as it had started!

    So, Maz, get your mojo working, girl and keep on being positive!! 

    You say Mark would never sell the house. He can't stop you. Take some legal advice. Most solicitors will give you a free half hour consultation. Or, if that's not done where you are, visit or phone the Citizen's Advice Bureau. Or, and here's a truly stunning idea, bet no one's ever thought of it, GOOGLE IT!!!
    He can't refuse to sell it. It's illegal.

    Every good wish, Maz! You are infinitely stronger than you know.

    And, as a man who lived in fear of his ex-wife's shouting and outbursts, but eventually got the guts, after 22 years to leave, I heartily recommend it. I'm by myself, apart from my cat, but I have PEACE! And you can have that too, Maz! 

    And, on the rarest of occasions, when I've said to my kids, who range now from 35 to 22, even 7 years after separating and divorcing their mum, "Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing leaving your mum", they turn to me and emphatically tell me "DONT EVEN GO THERE!! We couldn't deal with you two back together!".


    Our staying with a partner, who's clearly not right for us and us for them, is not good for our kids. It just teaches them to repeat our mistakes.

    Let me know how you're progressing. Please.

    Andrew
  • mazgomazgo Posts: 10Member Listener

    hiya all. ive jst reread all above post from last year...
    WOW its been a very long year..
    i applied for a divorce from mark n after me having a break down from his mental abuse n trauma of subsequently losing not only my mother in law but his whole family has left me... been very hard....
    but one year on n not going over all i went through his past year, im getting there.
    this house has sold again (third time lucky - chain breaking further down list),divorce still going through (had a few delays at first), i have decided to use some of my oney from equity from sale of this hose to loan my son £10. for deposit etc new home round the corner fro his sister.. and found a 2 bed house for myself. so all happening n very stressful time but getting there n pleased with decisions made...
    money has been very tight n will continue to be tight once mov4ed out n on with my life as my new home need quite a bit of work needing on it (like a usable bathroom/kitchen etc) but looking forward to the move ...
    ive been volunteering at a local craft centre n have with help picked up painting tho this time with acrylics... even been offered a job tho am worried if a can manage4 t n how to go with benefits as job is ony 2 [email protected] hrs a day....
    life is moving forward if a little too slow..lol
    any advise on working with benefits (recieving esa for 24 years(income related i think)  n pip) very much appreciated xxx
    thanks so much for all your help/support/advise over the past year of so...xxx
  • marshy1950marshy1950 Posts: 5Member Listener
    Hi Maz!!!!!

    It's good to hear from you again and, from what I've just read, you seem to have pulled yourself up by the bootstraps!

    Well done, VERY well done! See? A year ago, you couldn't even entertain being in the position you're in now!!

    You are a marvel! Marvellous Maz. Maz the Marvellous. Which do you prefer as your new name? You can have either. I shall not charge any commission for all the hard work I put into composing the new names! Hahahaha!!

    Regarding your possible part time work, when I was on ESA, some 4 years ago, before I retired, the DWP had something called Permitted Work. It allowed one to work up to 15hrs 59mins for no more than £91 a week, tax free, with no effect one's benefits. Maybe that's still available?

    Where are you in the UK, that's assuming you are in the UK? I'm sure there'd be some of us that'd be up for meeting for a brew and a piece of cake at Costa - other coffee shops etc..... -  or somewhere else?

    Finally, you may have days that feel one step forward, two steps back but you have taken the HUGE step of taking that first step forward!!! 

    You are amazing, Maz!!
    Very, very, VERY, well done!!!

    Andrew
    (In Lancashire, up in them thar 'ills!!!!)
  • bevt2017bevt2017 Posts: 353Member Pioneering
    Hi @Mazda

    Wow! You have had a lot to deal with.
    You are a very brave lady and I wish you all the very best for the future.

    Sorry I don't really know about working on benefits?

    Best wishes for 2019 🦋
    The Butterflys represents new beginnings.
    Take care 
    Bev 
  • mazgomazgo Posts: 10Member Listener
    marshy1950 
    thankx for the renaming... actually imat that point in m divorce. Maden name or keep married one.. the thing is, ive never had a middle name before. so here are my examples Maz-not Marion, then either Chewbaca-from star wars. or DM -which i happen to wear almost every day n totally love. Geeson-maden-bad childhood-nutty geeson family or culy-married name-losing likability of this one as some not favorite people.

  • sparkle1959sparkle1959 Posts: 11Member Listener
    Hi @Mazgo,
    What an inspirational story,
    i too am in a sad place. I’m in an abusive (emotional) marriage. My husband if 32 years just completely blanks me we have 3 children still living at home though our son is moving out soon as he and his partner have bought a place.
    i have health problems, fibromyalgia, perforated eardrums so hearing problems, osteopenia, osteoarthritis, and oth problems, then last year n January, I had a trauma fractured my neck of femur and ended up having to have a total hip replacement, I’m only 59 but since then I’ve been in constant pain and now need another operation on the same leg for a torn meniscus in my knee, I also seem to have developed severe osteoarthritis in that left leg too, my muscles have been weakened by the hip replacement and I’m still having physio for that. When I broke my hip my husband said it was my own fault. Life carried on as normal at home with his needs being met, my daughter (youngest aged 24) cooking all the meals and the other daughter (29) doing washing, son (30), doing his washing ironing making lunch etc Before my accident I’d done everything. Anyway, my husband did nothing to help any of them, just expected to be waited on hand and foot like I’d done previously. We’ve not had a sexual relationship since youngest was about 10 or so, Many times when children were younger I’d thought about leaving him but then with no jobbetc I thought it best to stay. He’s always been abusive, shouting, slamming doors throwing things when he can’t get his own way bullying me name calling pushing me, I wish now I’d left him then. 
    Now things are even worse, he showed absolution empathy for me, or my broken hip. Once I’d got home he was even nastier. Since my week in hospital he seems to have ostracised me further from my children. He talks to them even though I’m in same room, but in a low voice then if I say what are you talking about he says oh nothing to do with you, he constantly lies to me about different things. Goes on holiday with his mum and dad twice a year every year, not because they need him or any help, but so he can have a holiday at their cost. He won’t pay for anything. The house and garden is a tip with all his work paperwork everywhere in the house, he never throws anything away! He does no maintenance to the house. The garden he just cuts the grass all the bushes etc are all over grown and out of control (he’s 5 years younger than me and has no health problems). Previously I might add that for years when I was younger I’d done everything, wallpapering whole house abd painting inside and out; did all the garden which was absolutely immaculate, took care of all childcare. I even paid for everything. (When he met me I was married to a man who was his neighbour), my first husband committed suicide in our car at home in the garage, in the middle of the night. I found him in there with the engine running, it was too late.
    I obviously had quite a bit of money from insurances etc as the inquest was inconclusivetgat he’d intended to take his own life so an open verdict was recorded.
    My husband at the moment, a single man then seemed kind and chatted with me, but obviously to me now, he had ulterior motives. In a short space of time we ended up getting married, and of course I then started spending my money (not recklessly), I paid for everything from all children’s needs, home furnishings, furniture holidays etc he just paid the mortgage and bills. We had the 3 children and I supported them, taking them to their clubs dropping them off to friends, the usual stuff.
    gradually he just got nastier and nastier, when I threatened him with divorce, he’d always say I’ll change etc. He did for a week then he’d slip into his old ways and start being nasty again. So it has gone on.
    thing is now I just feel like an au pair living here just to do the washing and chores. He does nothing for me. Never supported me when I had my accident, and now, pulling the children away from me, joining up to Facebook last night as his 81 year old mum has just been joined up by his brother’s wife, so he’ll be friending the kids, and I’m pushed out further. Oh and his mother doesn’t speak to me (They live in Birmingham and we are in London), she was very rude to me one time we were up there when the eldest daughter was about 16, I vowed to myself not to stay up there anymore.  Children visit them. My husband muscles in so he can get a free ride with them. I’m left at home on my own.  
    Ive tried to get help with my problems, I’ve asked for counselling etc but CBT say they can’t help me and others just don’t want to know. I e list so much weight which is why doctor booked me for a DEXA scan and I found out I have osteopenia. I do eat, but not enough I suppose as there is no joy in my life, I’m just a doormat. Doing jobs for everyone but now I need some help, no support. My husband by the way, to those outside the home, is a wonderful person, he’ll help anyone! He’s actually I think maybe a narcissist.
    Recently he hit a neighbours wall (it was dark), he actually told the neighbour some kids up the road had done it, but anoyneighbour on our side of the road had seen him. The neighbour whose wall he hit is my friend and when I told her she knew. I felt so bad that I offered to pay for the damage!
    just filling you in if what he’s like. Sorry to bore you all withmy life history, but I think 32 of living with him has severely affected NY mental health and well-being, I’m thinking maybe all the stress has exacerbated my health problems, my BP is now very high and my cholesterol levels, probably where I’m not eating properly??
    Anyway, just want to say, I’ve no savings if any substantial amount but now thinking maybe I owe myself a better life?
    i hope I can get the courage to make the changes like @Mazgo.
    thank you for reading.x
  • bevt2017bevt2017 Posts: 353Member Pioneering
    Hi @sparkle1959

    I'm so sorry your having to go through all that, how awful for you.

    Have you spoken with scopes helpline? They could give you advice about organisation who can help you.
  • sparkle1959sparkle1959 Posts: 11Member Listener
    Hi @Bevt2017
    Thanks for your reply. I haven’t contacted the scope team yet. I did speak with Domestic Violence Organization, they were very helpful; it’s just such an enormous leap to take, I’m not sure if I’m emotionally or physically strong enough yet. I was planning on getting a divorce last year but then I fell and broke my hip. I’m 60 this year in September; I need to think fast.
    thank you for your support 
  • marshy1950marshy1950 Posts: 5Member Listener
    Hi @sparkle1959.

    I feel your pain because, for 20 plus years, I was with someone that sound just like your husband. My ex wife. There was no one else involved. I wasn't hankering for someone else. There was no one else, there is no one else and, at 68, I'm now too old, too fat and too stuck in my stupid ways to suit anybody else!).

    My ex was a down to earth girl, eleven years my junior. She'd grown up in the school of hard knocks and was, to use a modern vernacular, a rough diamond. I was too nice, too gentle and too giving for her. She'd been used to guys who treated her like dirt. I was too clean for her. I am a Christian and my faith is very important to me. There's a verse in the New Testament that says we "are to be fools for Christ". And I stress the word fools. Fools , NOT mugs!! And my ex took me for a mug! I would be abused by her and turn the other cheek, because I took my faith seriously, but my ex saw that, and my concern etc as weakness.

    So, in 2009, after being mentally abused yet again, and being told to effectively to eff off and leave, I decided I would. 

    Jointly, we'd made a stupid financial mistake. We bought a new build home at the height of the burgeoning property market, even though we knew things might be tight, but also, very simplistically, thinking we could ditch it if it became too expensive to run. Great idea IF the market doesn't tank, which it did, whilst we had it on the market.

    It did get too expensive for us, we did sell at the wrong time and it was not profitable for us.

    So we came out of it very badly and couldn't afford get another mortgage, because of my age, so we rented. 
    This, renting, meant that we had no financial ties to bind us any more, which,bin hindsight, was really a blessing.

    So, swing forward again to 2010. As I said at the start, I had decided to leave, because I'd had enough of my wife's terror tactics.

    I was the office manager where I worked and had been there 25 years, in which time I had become disabledh and had taken my firm to a Tribunal for Disability Discrimination and won so, when I asked my MD if he'd make me redundant, he agreed, almost jumped at the chance to get rid of me. 

    He agreed to do as I'd asked. In fact, on top of my statutory redundancy pay, he overpaid me by a good deal, so keen was he to get rid of me (because I'd stood up to them).

    This was December 2009. My last employed day was Friday, 22 January 2010. Bear in mind, I hadn't told my wife one word of this, so on the following Monday, when I told her I was staying home, cos I CBA bothering with work's pettiness toward me, she didn't blink an eyelid. During that Monday, I loaded my car with anything I wanted to keep, ready for my exit.

    The day after, I put my weekly meds box on the back seat of the car, as I was taking my 13 year old daughter to school. She asked me why I was taking them and I came out with something that she later told me she hadn't believed.

    In all this turmoil I was having, I hadn't thought about my kid's reactions. How they'd be affected by my sudden and most unpredictable leaving.

    So, I dropped my daughter off and I don't think I felt any angst about it. (Just in case any of you reading this think I'm a heartless B., I'm not. I never was. What I didn't realise, at that time - and it took me about 7 years to realise - was that I was in the midst of a mental and emotional breakdown. I, simply put, couldn't think of more than one thing at once).

    So, I then set off to go to the Channel Tunnel. Yep. I was leaving England. I'd got £2k in the bank, I hoped I'd get a job teaching English to French people and I reckons reckoned I'd cope. I speak French and assumed that would go in my favour. I was full of hope for a bright future and a new start.

    I got to Arass, this side of Paris and decided to stay there overnight. I stayed there a fortnight, in which time I had calmed down somewhat and was missing my kids. My wife had called me every day, asking what was going on, who was I with - she was INCREDIBLY jealous -  how much money was I sending her that day. 
    I decided that I couldn't carry on without my children so set off back home.

    My wife met me at a local hotel and we spent a nice night there. She was very nice, very patient, very kind so there was clearly something very wrong!! I thought that everything was fine. I hadn't realised that a woman's anger really does burn very slowly.

    In August, 2010, 7 months after reuniting at the hotel, at a time when her anger was white hot, I moved out, into a one bedroom, ground floor flat, which suited my disability, and still does, eight and a half years later.

    So, Sparkle1959, take heart! You have WASTED ENOUGH TIME!! (I can shout that cos I wasted a similar amount of time to you but I'm shouting in a loving voice).

    Do you have any friends or relatives you could go and stay with, whilst you sort out permanent housing? Is there anyone you could share with?

    This is what I did, when I first decided to leave. I went to my local council housing department and registered. I told them the whole truth. I didn't try to wangle anything I wasn't due. I told them that I would need to be rehomed, within a few weeks, as my wife was making me homeless, throwing me out. I told them that i was disabled although that's pretty obvious with me.

    When you go, take any evidence you have of your disability, from the DWP, if you have it and your DLA award, if you have one. If it's any encouragement, I had been offered my flat within ten days of registering. I had been cheating, though, when I registered - I'd been praying that God would make a way, clear the path before me. And He did. 

    I wish I knew your name, as it seems so distant calling you Sparkle1959, when I'm telling you my very personal story but, Sparkle1959, please take it from me that my writing to you is on a very personal level too.

    Sparkle, leaving will be very strange  but I can only tell you that you will not believe just how peaceful your life WILL be! Seriously! You'll wonder why you didn't do it years and years ago. You will survive. You will get through every day. And you will find friends. You'll still have your children. Anyone that's known your story over the years will see such a turnaround in you, that they'll be amazed! And they'll feel they can tell you that you should have gone years before.

    Speak to your solicitor too. Ask about selling your home so you'll have funds to yourself. You're due half of the equity. Don't be tempted to go eadilyeon him bybagreeing to his greedy requests. This is the time your husband will be getting his just desserts. Your kids will get used to it. 

    There comes a time in your life, Sparky Baby, when you MUST DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF!!

    That time is now. 

    We are all here for you. Remember that. And I'm sure that there'll be people on here, who'll be happy to share their details with you, should you need someone to speak to.

    A final thought. Do you want to spend the years you have left with this excuse for a man, this BULLY? I lived your experience too. Believe me, I know what it's like, I truly do. Get out whilst you're mentally and physically able to do it. You have no idea what tomorrow will bring. Get out whilst you can! Don't stay and dig yourself deeper into your deep pit!! Get out and hurt this man where it hurts him - in his pocket!!

    With the best wishes and encouragement that this CAN work for you!

    Andrew
  • sparkle1959sparkle1959 Posts: 11Member Listener
    Marshy1950, I’ve replied to your post but unfortunately being so early in the morning, I e posted my reply on the next page that says about your activity! I can’t seem to copy and paste it here. Maybe I’ll look again when I’ve had some sleep, meanwhile, maybe you can see if you can read it? Sparkle1959 - Vanessa
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