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The empty space in my heart

autism_diariesautism_diaries Posts: 4Member Connected

Danielle writes the blog The Autism Diaries about life as a parent with a child with an ASD diagnosis.  In this guest post, she talks about dealing with the grief and loss of her mother and thinking about the christmas traditions of her past and the differing christmas traditions of her present and future with her family.


I’m sat staring into the warming glow of the lights on my Christmas tree as I write this. I’m listening to Christmas carols on my headphones. At this time of year they give me the virtual hug I so desperately need. You see, almost six years ago I lost my mum to cancer. And at Christmas time, no matter what I do, the wound re opens. Totally fresh, as though the loss happened only yesterday. I thought it would get easier year after year. But it doesn’t. I’ve learnt over the last two years in particular to really embrace the moments of sadness, the loss and the yearning. The yearning for just one last hug. 

My child has struggled the last two years at Christmas time. The sensory overload, the people, the noise, the busy calendar. And somehow that’s made my loss even more raw. Because those traditions that I so very long for, they just can’t happen. Every year as a child I went to the candle lit carol service with Mum and Dad, sometimes brother in tow. I always thought that my children would love to see the candles, the flowers and the trees at church. But autism put a road block up that we couldn’t get passed. My family have never been to church together at Christmas. It was one of my favourite moments as a child (particularly the mince pies after the annual carol service – my record was 9).


I know I should be looking to form new traditions with my family, and we are. But traditions pass from generation to generation. That’s why they are traditions. And sometimes the pain of not being able to carry on Mum’s traditions is like taking a bullet to the heart. Because she isn’t here to form new ones. To form the autism friendly traditions that we as a family are so ready to embrace. 

But if she was here, if she was sat next to me staring into the sparkle of the lights with a cup of tea (wine when I was old enough) as we always did on the first night our tree was up, I know exactly what she would say. “There’s always a way Danielle. There’s always a way”. And there is. So whilst I always take the time to think of Mum at this time of year, it is to Christmas trains, Christmas tree stars and presents that I now look. The things that my child can process, understand and enjoy. 

Whoever you are, wherever you may be, make Christmas your own. And to anyone feeling the cold sting of loss at this time of year, you’re not alone. Many people smile through it. As will I. But many will be holding an empty space in their heart for someone they long to, but won’t see this Christmas season. Warm your heart knowing you’re amongst friends as you read this. 

Tell us about your christmas traditions and if they are different due to an impairment.  Are you dealing with grief this christmas? How do you deal with these feelings? Share your experiences now.

Replies

  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 689 Listener
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  • TopkittenTopkitten Posts: 1,003Member Pioneering
    I have never had to deal with autism in the family but I understand the loss. My father died 34 years ago and my mother last year. Time helps but the loss never really goes away. Like many things in my life now I simply have to manage it.

    We never really had strong traditions as such but Xmas was always a time for family and we had a large family then. Now I am the elder family member. My sister has never been close and seems to do everything she can to drive us further apart. My children (3) make little effort to be a part of my life now. It seems they cannot cope with my conditions, especially how I have been affected mentally. My life, such as it is, has become a casualty of my condition also.

    For 2 or 3 years I haven't decorated the house which was a big part of Xmas for me. Now it's just a reminder of loss but I am trying, this year, to change things for the better. Trying to patch up the gulf between me and my youngest daughter. Trying to get them to visit me at home and trying to decorate and get into the Xmas spirit.

    Moving on with such difficulties can be daunting. I do hope that you can overcome your disappointment with the loss of tradition and start making new ones that you can share with YOUR family.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • autism_diariesautism_diaries Posts: 4Member Connected
    edited December 2017
    @Topkitten What strength it must be taking to both fix things with your daughter and decorate your house. You're an inspiration to others to be looking forward as you are. Without change, there is no change, as they say. I'm so sorry for the loss of your parents. Like you say, it becomes a part of your life and you just learn to manage it. I wish you the warmest Christmas wishes and hope your relationship with your daughter improves xxx
  • autism_diariesautism_diaries Posts: 4Member Connected
    edited December 2017
    @DannyMoore firstly wow - what an effort you have put in to helping your family, and what a fantastic father it sounds like you have. I know my Mum is watching over me, I see little signs all the time. I hope your wish of seeing your family together again comes true this year. A very merry Christmas to you! 
  • TopkittenTopkitten Posts: 1,003Member Pioneering
    @autism_diaries I thank you for the comments..... I think. I'm sorry if that comes across badly but I think of myself and neither a nice person nor anything special. Certainly NOT as an inspiration, lol!

    I know I am different. I am open and honest which, sadly these days, seems to be old fashioned and anachronistic and all I write is just exactly how I feel about things. If I could I would take others problems from them but instead all I can do is to perhaps point out the positives that maybe they have yet to see. Unfortunately I cannot do the same for myself. I don't feel strong, quite the opposite in fact, I just do what seems logical and the cost to me is unimportant. Sometimes things have to be done regardless.

    I hope that you do find a way to turn your negatives into positives and, I hope this doesn't sound bad, I am glad I never had those problems. I am sure though that you will find things turning around as you seem to be doing everything you can to try to do so. I see someone like yourself as strong rather than myself, who spent so many years running from the inevitable.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • monkamonka Posts: 10Member Listener
    My mum died in 2003 at Christmas time.  I feel her loss constantly throughout all my days but particularly at Christmas as she really loved it.  My husband left our small family 8 years ago and I have recently been divorced from him.  My son has a severe physical disability and I care for him 24/ 7 and I have a daughter who also lives with me.  Life has become really tough recently as for the past four years my son has been desperately trying to find work unsuccessfully.  He has two degrees and despite trying really hard has been unable to find anyone willing to give him a chance in his chosen field of work.  He has become really anxious over many things over the last couple of years including a failed business and Christmas time he is always much worse.  I find this really tough tying to be the same as other families and entertaining a little bit but my sons anxiety and physical needs at this time leave me feeling extremely sad.  My sons  friends who have moved away come home for Christmas and all talk about how successful their lives are with good jobs and successful relationships and this is a constant reminder of how different life is for us. 
    Christmas accentuates my feelings of difference and despite my love of it in the past and my great memories of a happy time at home with my mum, dad and family I am starting to feel is this all worth it.  
    Anxiety, exhaustion, sadness all seem a big price to pay for a couple of days. 
  • bevvypbevvyp Posts: 42Member Connected
    This is the first Christmas without my husband and father,  both died to cancer in June and July and I am numb with grief, can't turn to family as they are the same, christmas has been a lonely blur tho I had 14 for dinner on the day _ but that makes the house more dead now they have all gone, I know I should be thankful, but the minute the door closes I know I'm on my own again for days and it's driving me mad
  • autism_diariesautism_diaries Posts: 4Member Connected
    My thoughts are with you at such a difficult time. You can be surrounded by all the people in the world and still feel lonely, like a part of you is missing. The pain of life continuing on is a difficult one to bare. We have no choice but to carry on, as time takes us with it. They say time is a great healer and it is, but to start with it’s the time passing that is most painful. Allow yourself time to grieve. It’s the only way. That and the comfort of knowing those 14 people will still be there at the end of your tears. I’m sending you the biggest hug. Book in lots of time with people you trust and the world will seem a brighter place, at some point xxx
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 689 Listener
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  • TopkittenTopkitten Posts: 1,003Member Pioneering
    With respect.....

    Time heals is an often used statement which is completely untrue. It does not heal it just diminishes the loss and buries it under new experiences that can make it feel less painful. The loss of a parent, especially at a young age, is something you never forget and never gets better. It certainly never 'heals'. It just becomes easier to deal with and think about.

    As for passing up opportunities when stricken by grief. They are not opportunities that should necessarily be taken on board. Many of them can be borne from desperation and just used to 'get away' from dealing with the bad stuff that goes on in life. To really have a happier life you must ALWAYS deal with whatever has happened and get over it completely or you will drag the remnants with you forever.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 689 Listener
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  • TopkittenTopkitten Posts: 1,003Member Pioneering
    I am quite happy not having a faith and I do not need something beyond the world as it is to believe in to get me through life. However, I never think it right to cause any issues to another based on their belief. Some people NEED to believe in something bigger and greater and that is their right. I DO have some issues with how a faith is handled by the people 'in charge' of it, so to speak.

    I will take one point you mention @DannyMoore to illustrate what I think is wrong with some religions. Forgiveness..... is something done in a lot of faith's and I disagree with it. In my mind there are some things that are unforgiveable. And yet, if you follow the faith, everything can and will be forgiven, so long as you are a believer. Should, for example, the people who carried out the 911 attack be forgiven? Should someone who murders multiple children or adults simply because they get a kick out of it be forgiven? If they are true believers in their faith they would be but personally I think that stinks!

    However, this is off topic and I will not hijack the thread further. It should be discussed elsewhere.

    I have so far gotten through Xmas by spreading out the few contacts I have arranged and, despite some physical suffering, have done pretty well. Never feeling really low. Not everything went to plan but, as I am a pessimist anyway, this was to be expected and I coped. Today has been a quiet rest day in preparation for a heavy evening tomorrow, so even that has been ok. I may come out of Xmas fairly pleased with my efforts despite the devastating news just prior. However, with reference to another thread, this hasn't changed my overall outlook regarding future occurrences.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 689 Listener
    edited December 2017
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  • bevvypbevvyp Posts: 42Member Connected
    Hi everyone I hope 2018 will be kinder for us all, can someone please say something positive to me please, my son (36) has decided to call me allsorts of profanities because I didn't buy the right gifts for christmas, when his dad died in July e promised as the eldest, to help me but since beginning of Dec really, he has become very vicious to me, also stopping me seeing my 4 grandchildren (from him) luckily another son has 4 girls who live near me but I miss the boys, I have to walk away from my son as this is the 6th time since he left home, that he is being evicted through not paying rent, when my hubby was dying he was being evicted _ this time last year _ and I paid 1400 pounds to keep the stress from our door, for my hubbies sake, which also caused a problem with our 2 other son's who didn't want us to help again_ my grandchildren can't be on the streets tho, he is one parent family to my eldest grandchild and has custody of 3 others at the weekends _ but has blackmailed me with this for years and we have paid a fortune to keep him afloat _ I wish I hadnt done it the first time, so believe I have helped make it too easy for him to blackmail us, but now I'm alone and not supported financially in any way but not fit for work, so spending 1000 eveyr 2 months of my saving money, I will run out in 50 months _ not entitled to any help coz we saved and I have above 6grand_ now has blocked any way for me to contact my eldest grandson _ 16 in feb_ who wants to come live here, coz he can't cope now !! What am I gonna do, I'm desperate for someone to please try and untangle the mess I'm now in, desperately please please
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 689 Listener
    edited January 2018
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  • Neil2017Neil2017 Posts: 158Member Courageous
    Hi @bevvyp

    Sorry to hear of your situation. I think you have made your mind up and you are probably right in cutting ties with your eldest son especially if he is getting vicious towards you, not managing his own finances nor paying you anything back for what you have given him and dealing with your own grief. 

    I do do not know how this would leave you with access to seeing or contact with his children. Would suggest you either contact the Scope helpline or the Citizens Advice for more info. You haven’t said specifically why your son keeps falling behind with rent ie what is causing the lack of money - but would say that is probably between you and him anyway. 

    It could get very difficult if for instance the eldest natural grandchild comes to live with you. I do not know at what age Hulu can still apply for access to see a child up unitil. 16? 18? Or whether you have any legal rights to access as s grandparent unless your son is deemed totally incapable of supporting his children. 

    I think at the end of the day you need to think of your own safety and well-being before taking on extra responsibilities. As even at the age of 16 isn’t now a legality that you have to stay on in education until 17 so he would probably not be bringing in any extra money from a job only maybe child benefit until 18/19.

    Best wishes of sorting it out

  • thespicemanthespiceman Posts: 5,340Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @bevvyp Pleased to meet you.  I am sorry what you are going through.  The most important person is you not family members.  I can see you have done a lot of support and you are putting family first not you.  I have no family well I do but I know I did the right thing walking away.  I have no children of my own or in  a current relationship.  I feel for you and know that I have been used by people for anything I have.  You son can not help him and I think his attitude is all wrong.  My mother was like your son when ever I bought her anything.  So guess what asked for the gifts get refund back.  Kept money for myself.  Spent it on me.  Not worth it.  When telling people my son bought me nothing usual spiel to those that would listen.  That's when I would say some thing.  Lies hurt every one.  The truth hurts the most.  My mother used violence to get her way.  So I had to stand and walk away.  Even though you have grandchildren.  This is hurting I can feel it.  I have nephews and nieces who are being used as a pawn by my sister and brothers.  I have moved on and if the nephews and nieces wished to know me.  Let it be.  Using them to form another senseless useless relationship with my mother.  It is not going to work.  What do you want?  You need the love care and compassion of people who understand.  I am not a relationship expert but you are special come first not others.  That is what I say to myself.  It is time for you.  Best wishes and take care.
  • bevvypbevvyp Posts: 42Member Connected
    @DannyMoore xxx thankyou so much for breaking this down for me to understand, very wise xxx heartfelt thankyou,  i couldnt find where one end stops and the other end starts xx x, @Neil2017 thankyou for you're input too, my son doesn't have the rent money most month because he doesnt work as his other kids are always dropped on him at the last moment in the week plus he worked for " pimp my  v'dubs"   and i know he backed a van into an area where it got damaged  and then they gave him a 2017 v dub _ and I rang him without thinking _told him his dad had died ( he knew it was coming) but he was on a motorway * ( he shouldn't have answered) and crashed it _ __so he says ????  Maybe a good excuse he has never held a job for more than 3 months _ tho his dad worked all his life and son was brought up to know work is important if you want any kind of future _ to the point of not allowing him to sign on from our  address, straight from school _ I'm not sure about this ? He has told me sooo many lies in 36 yrs , he sorts things around the situation to suit (I think) but he does tell me what I want to hear ( i think) but i would rather know the truth, the mother of the other 3 grandchildren doesn't give him any money to help with  him taking the children every time the police arrest mother for violence against her / by her to partner or cocaine violence _ I know it's hard on him BUT he gets money and spends it straight away without thinking, he is suffering from losing his grandad and dad in 5 weeks but also has the a conscience _ he has always called me and my late husband awful names and stole from grandad and dad, think he is taking spice/ legal high ???  ?? Xx thankyou xxx then I come on to @thespiceman! !! Thankyou x it feels you are the equivalent of me but male, I would  like to meet you x so sorry you had to walk away from loved ones but obviously abused like myself, for sanity we have to, my hubby said " I'm only 50 " and he made me promise to find another love,  Not that I'm looking but in a weird way it's comforting to know that  there are men who have the same values of my late husband, he was an old fashioned gentleman but only 64, he treated me like a queen but I'm not bigheaded, but lovelost thankyou all xxxx
  • bevvypbevvyp Posts: 42Member Connected
    edited February 2018
    @NEIL2017 My grandson stayed a few weeks ago because my son threatene to kill him, didn't tell the police that when they came, coz he would have got prison for threats to kill ( I think it was just words _ he has never even smacked him) but the police say " if he comes here they WONT make him go home coz if he runs again it's more dangerous,coz then they will be looking for a missing person __ he only went home then because his dad told him " he wouldn't get another place without him !! And will be on the streets _ so he went home _ emotional blackmail on his son !!!!!!!!!!! But my grandson told me _ as soon as his dad gets a place, he is moving inhere _ I obviously won't stop him but told him _ if he comes here to live _ he has to stay on till 18 at school ( just up the hill) from here to do his A Levels x so frightened for the future but thanks to you all, I can St least get a honest answer to my worries xxx thankyou all so much xxx 
  • Neil2017Neil2017 Posts: 158Member Courageous
    @bevvyp wow is that for real. A lot of stuff to deal with! Can emphasise a bit in that I have a brother who has borrowed money in the past and hardly pays anything back to my parents despite being in a steady job. He is Married to a sister-in-law whom I am starting to wonder having read a lot of stuff on here has she got ‘hidden’ disabilities although on the positive as far as I know she has no addictions to illegal substances. They have a disabled son still at school who she uses at any chance to for example not bother to even do some part-time work. They came around Boxing Day for their annual visit (another long story in itself). She didn’t do hardly anything considering parents in 70s and father on dialysis. Didn’t even ask how he was. Then found out nephew was due a check up in hospital following day. Dad also due in for a dyalsis session at around the same time. Did they visit - absolutely no.

    So yes I know a lot of what you say. A thin line between love, help and support and ignorance , abuse of love and laziness. Christmas all feels very fake from some angles to me when giving presents to people you don’t see yet they only live 30 mind away.

    I was was going to say what about meeting under some sort of negotiation with your son if still communicating. But as you’ve expanded a lot more it doesn’t sound worth it.

    hope you get something sorted.
  • thespicemanthespiceman Posts: 5,340Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    edited February 2018
    Hello @bevvyp Thank you for reply and kind words.  Reading more what are saying it is all tinged with sadness.  I know I am not alone in this every one understands your plight.  I am not a mediator or a relationship councillor.  Although that could be a solution I do not know.  When I read your story thanks for sharing it reminds me of mine.  Also my experiences with relationships have in the past I had to take sides.  It effected me mentally and still will. That is why I am concerned for your well being.  I hope and pray that you can find some comfort in the words that every one has sent in.   I am here to listen take care nice to talk to you. 
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 689 Listener
    edited January 2018
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  • bevvypbevvyp Posts: 42Member Connected
    Thankyou all xxxd
  • bevvypbevvyp Posts: 42Member Connected
    @Neil2017 it sure is all for real x
  • TopkittenTopkitten Posts: 1,003Member Pioneering
    @bevvyp at some point you have to draw a line and stick to it. Forget the consequences and just be strong.

    At the age of 16 not only can your grandson choose who he sees he can also decide where he lives. However, if he should decide to live with you could you manage? Are your finances able to cope?

    As has been suggested, separate your problems out into manageable parts. Deal with one at a time. Sort and organise each separately.

    I am not quite sure from your words but, if your savings are £6,000, you should be able to get assistance or benefits. Not the complete amounts but some. It does sound like you need to sort your finances out properly.

    As for your son I can only suggest that you bite the bullet and cut him off. I wouldn't advise making excuses as it shows weakness and he sounds like he will pounce on any weakness  and use it against you. If you really need to though the simply say you cannot afford any more support. Helping him further, in any way, might alienate you other children and that is the last thing you want to do. Can you get them to help you sort things out at all? If you can become close with the others the troubled one might see that and understand that he will be completely in the cold and maybe get him to understand that he needs to sort himself out. It does seem unlikely though. As for his emotional blackmail, blaming you for his own shortcomings you need to just ignore it.

    If you are worried he might in any way hurt you then refuse his calls or hang up on him and refuse him access to the house.

    Above all. Breathe, slow down your thinking, take things at your own pace and allow yourself the time to think properly. You cannot continue as you are now and you absolutely must find a way to move forward at your own pace and look after yourself in the process.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • bevvypbevvyp Posts: 42Member Connected
    Thank you @Topkitten, I have cut ties and giving myself a breather BUT..... my middle son had such a bast go at me, blaming me coz I won't re_ mortgage my house to finance at "plan" he has, they always fail, he has been lovely the last 3 days, I bit the bullet and ordered a new carpet, he has been decorating but yesterday he was in a bad mood and spent most of the day telling me basically I'm stupid for not doing these things, had a go coz I won't buy my mum's council house to make money after her passing, I'm stupid, my siblings and mum too,_ I do nothing to help him _ and continued calling me from a pig to a dog and when i told him to stop he was destroying me, he said i suppose youre gonna chuck the suicide thing at me now, i really was totally suicidal and beside myself with grief, which was obviouse,hr carried on, even when i asked him to leave, he moaned i was only paying him 50 pounds a day !! He said that much and has a very selective memory, totally immasculated through epilepsy and has become someone else, very irritated and all sorts but when do you stop blaming the medication, he is also very bull headed,  anyone reading my story up to here are probably thinking _ too many things? Is it all truth X It' 100% my life and only just hanging in, can't wait to see cheree tomorrow,  my councillor, I have so much I need to offload, can't believe how 2 of my sons have become and got worse now their dad's dead, it seems a free for all to see what they can get, I'm grieving my dad too who died 5 weeks before my husband in July,  he is the father to my grandaughters,  who are my reason to live, that shouldn't change much because his girls just ring me to stay and then tell parents but they wouldn't stop me seeing them anyway, my eldest son is being evicted again tomorrow, ( a year almost while his dad was dying and i paid to keep grief away from my hubby, who deserved peace ) my eldest grandson told me that he is staying at his girlfriends  (15th old)
  • bevvypbevvyp Posts: 42Member Connected
    The son I had row with is my grand children's dad___ my comment about that sounds like MY dad is their father !!!! Sorry
  • TopkittenTopkitten Posts: 1,003Member Pioneering
    No need to apologise, stress makes us all make mistakes. All I can suggest about the troublesome son is just don't let him into the house. Cut him off completely and let him try to stand on his own. He will either come to realise that he cannot and should not treat you in such a way or will just blame you for everything. If the latter then stick to it. As I see it this is your only reasonable option. There is another but would not really advise it and would not put it on the open forum.

    I hope you can resolve this with a minimum of emotional pain but I don't see how you can sort this situation out without some suffering.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 689 Listener
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  • thespicemanthespiceman Posts: 5,340Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @bevvyp Sorry I had not spoken to you for a while.  How are you?  Trying to understand and sending a message of support.  I was reading that you seem to be everyone favourite target of abuse and mental cruelty.  This is not right.  You need to sit down with yourself and start to think about you.  I see the pain, hurt, misery from others who so much remind me of my family.  Again I get reminders and triggers from my past.  I was the feed bucket for the family.  Bank and the rest.  This is about you though and I feel the stress the load on your mind.   Understanding that you have a counsellor that is good that helps.  Please can I add use that service much as you can.  I am not interfering here but when I was making loads of money one time from business.  The family stepped in you can pay for this and that weddings, funerals, cars and everything else.  I lived with family paid over top rents and rest.  So one day I wrote every one a letter saying how I was feeling what they were doing to me mentally.  Making me ill with addiction telling them about my alcohol problems.  The time was Christmas all expecting luxury, expensive gifts.  So instead each annoying irritating family member got a letter.  I would suggest do the same.  I hope you can find some thing positive in what I saying.  I did even this had to go to court to stop my family doing any more misery and hurt to me.  I know that is extreme but I understand that is family.  You are important not them.  Time for every one to stand on their own two feet.  I hope and pray that every thing works out.  Take care
  • bevvypbevvyp Posts: 42Member Connected
    Thank you all again, I'm hanging on, I have disowned 2 of my son's for my sanity'a sake, but not many visitors at all since I closed my purse !! But I don't need this stress/pain, MR helping me claim ESA but not holding out much hope, gonna apply for PIP too because I have a few dangerous ailments _ on ailments good note I have started smiling again_ not much but I'm getting there, little steps, I wouldn't be where I ailments if it weren't for you ailments ml supporting me, hopefully if can start  supporting you ailments ml llc soon xx Thank you all
  • bevvypbevvyp Posts: 42Member Connected
    Ailments !! Predictive texts !!  Meant  'a' and 'all' not ailments !! Gotta change these settings because I can spell correctly but don't look at predictive text above keyboard !!! But as usual I "don't know how" !!
  • bevvypbevvyp Posts: 42Member Connected
    @Topkitten please messenger me the other option _ I'm intregued as to what you mean
  • thespicemanthespiceman Posts: 5,340Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @bevvyp Thank you for replying.  This is great good new start.  I can hear some good excellent things.  You have done right thing.  I had to congratulate you yes apply for benefits why not.  I would.  This the new beginning.  All the pain and heartache will be there for a while.  Memories linger.  What helps is speaking about your problems.  Having a counsellor is a good start and is good for offloading.  Also don't worry about typing and computer.  I am not good with these sorts of technology.  I had a joke had a old computer had to wind it up like one of those old record players.  Had a young lad got him going for ages in a office I worked.  The old days of Amstrad and the rest floppy disks and all that.  Still can not get use of my mobile and online banking.  So any way hope everything works out.  By way you find and have new friends they will come I know this.  You have one and some on this community.  I hope to speak to you soon nice to talk to you.
  • bevvypbevvyp Posts: 42Member Connected
    edited February 2018
    Thanks @thespiceman and everyone else , I will let you all know if I get any financial help but you have all helped me so much, still eating for support fromm docs but getting there now _ I think tho some dysfunction are still black xx much love friends 
  • thespicemanthespiceman Posts: 5,340Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @bevvyp Thank you for reply and hope you succeed.  Always here to listen and give support.  Take care.
  • bevvypbevvyp Posts: 42Member Connected
    Oh I'm on a downer again up on Saturday flat on Sunday again nd down today, it will be 6months on 27th since I lost my hubbie, and my visitors have stopped now really, again expecting me to get on with life _ I don't have one and no where to go,  I was suicidal last nite so rang helpline and guess what _ busy! !! I really am trying but how do you get a life if you don't have friends ??. It was one of my son's birthday yesterday but I wasn't invited up or even contacted _ why do I bother ??
  • Pippa_ScopePippa_Scope Posts: 5,856Member Disability Gamechanger
    So sorry to hear that things are difficult, @bevvyp. Have you tried The Samaritans helpline when things are tough? I also hope that at the very least, you find comfort from the online community: you're always welcome here, and our members will do their best to offer support and encouragement wherever they can. I hope today is as kind as possible to you. 
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 0 Listener
    @bevvyp hi your certainly not alone I lost both my brothers my mums only sons , you have friends on here to talk to too..My brother showed no signs of his suicide so it was a massive shock . You did the right thing to ring the emergency help line although they didn't answer . But I believe your life won't be always in a bad place good things eventually come to those who suffer in this life ..be strong and think of the beautiful memories you had with your hubby.I do hope you get help today .
  • bevvypbevvyp Posts: 42Member Connected
    Thanks all but I just can't get past losing my hubby and best and only friend, I just don't think I can carry on this way, I'm so alone and tormented by memories_ I'm seeing my grief councillor today so hoping to feel better but I'm sick of not sleeping and then being exhausted, I wish I had put exhaust in car when my hubbie  found the idea appealing, but i couldn't because I didnt want to hurt family !! Who don't even visit, I could of hung myself over weekend but as of yet I would still be hanging as not one person has messaged even tho I told them last week, doc says tell family but they aren't interested really
  • Pippa_ScopePippa_Scope Posts: 5,856Member Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @bevvyp, you are a member of our community and we appreciate you. We really hope that your counselling appointment today helps.

    If you are having thoughts of suicide, it is important that you discuss them with someone who is qualified to help. Please call the Samaritans on 116 123 (free) or email them at [email protected] If you feel that you may be an immediate danger to yourself, please call 999 or go to your local hospital right away.
  • thespicemanthespiceman Posts: 5,340Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @bevvyp Sorry for what you are going through.  I hope and pray for what is happening to you.  I feel for you sending a message of support.  I feel your pain.

    I have memories as all of us do of losing loved ones or friends.  The hurt and the pain last so long.  I understand that.  I am glad to see that you are seeking help and support with this..  I understand that is difficult that you think that no one cares.  We care as a community. 

    All of us in the community and I am speaking personally have the sense of loneliness and these emotions and feelings.  Hope you can try to think about the good times, the great memories you had with your partner.  It is not easy and try to go on and try to cope.  That is the hardest part.

    As for your family yes it was your son s birthday.  Is that important to you or him.  You are in my opinion come first.  If they do not have the decency to invite you do not go, make a fuss.  I know you feel rejected and unwanted and may I say unloved.  I understand and agree that you try to cope with these emotions and feelings.  That's is important first.

    May I suggest, please remember I am not interfering here.  Just you remind me of many people who I have come across and I myself have been in a similar situations.  Especially my family.  I understand and still get very emotional and upset over all that.  Now that is the past but still gets to me.  One of the things I used to do and sometimes do is  a stress diary.

    Make a diary to write down all what is hurting, feeling emotional, words are a comfort.  I used this idea by my support workers all the ones I have had.

    Also may I say feeling down, depressed anxious and any other emotions.  Write it down.  Even better if you wish to at weekends I am on here looking for a chat or talk as many our community do.  Am here to listen.. I use this forum all the time.  Last time I was looking to see how you were getting on with life and things.

    I know it is hard to express feeling, emotions and other issues and problems.  We as a community try to share each others difficulties in life.  I am always learning and am always surprised by the amount of support and emotional wellbeing I get with my posts.  If I am having a bad day which is most days.  If you look at my recent posts.  I sound off on anything that hurts, bothers me.  Thank you SCOPE and others for being patient and tolerant.

    I hope and pray for you and please try to contact The Samaritans again I know reading what you said it was busy.  I have done so myself once or twice maybe more and they are their to give help, support and advice.  Take care nice to talk to you. 
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  • bevvypbevvyp Posts: 42Member Connected
    @PippaScope @thespiceman @Ella1976 @DannyMoore Thank you all for you're kind guiding words, lots of empathy and wishes X I saw a new councillor today who deals with compounded grief as all together I have lost 2 cousins, 2 dear friends,  a brother in law, my nephew, my dad and my husband ALL in the last 18th months x  a real rum deal but I actually felt someone was listening to me,   and then to come home to all you're positive support messages was  lovely so a massive thank you to you all X I'm going to bed now and hoping for a bit of decent sleep, I feel I have let a lot of emotion out today and don't feel so burdened with grief at the minute X it is comforting to know you are all here for me and I'm  hoping in the future to be strong enough to help support you all back xx much love xxx
  • bevvypbevvyp Posts: 42Member Connected
    @Budgie2 you sound very strong X thank you for you're kind compliment xx
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  • bevvypbevvyp Posts: 42Member Connected
    @Ella1976 thank you so much for sharing you're pain with me, i am so pleased you are starting to find a way forward albeit still very painful, I have thought of a memory box but as yet I haven't even moved his toothbrush, I pick things up and then put them back where they have been for the last 25yrs,  I could just manage all the grief with my hubby to cuddle but not since he became ill, I hid my pain well from him, but he knew how I was feeling, at the time everything was we_ we got a blood test we got a scan etc and now it's just me and our dog who howls at night on his chair unless she is on or under our bed in his spot X he died in his own bed as we agreed but it was hard being strong for 10 months while I watched him pass after already losing so many so close, my dad 5wks  before, his funeral was terrible for us all but my hubby insisted on going, he was so Brave
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  • bevvypbevvyp Posts: 42Member Connected
    @Ella1976 you certainly had it rough too, I've only just got up and slept mostly although I still woke but was able to get bk to sleep, getting up is the worst, coz I wake up and re_remember  everything, the anxiety attacks are the worse_ frightening when I can't lift my arms, doc says it's adrenalin raging through my body? Hate people saying just get on with it, I've arranged to go out today with eldest grandaughter,  then I only have tomorrow and my youngest will be here Thursday for a couple of days so I'm trying to be proactive today xx Thank you all for the support xxxx
  • bevvypbevvyp Posts: 42Member Connected
    I think I'm still in shock but at least I have a councillor who works with compounded grief now X I'm allergic to my dog so have to have sheets between us or I get a rash but realised I was allergic too late and we were in love so I cope with it 
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  • thespicemanthespiceman Posts: 5,340Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @bevvyp and @Ella1976   Thank you for sharing your memories of losing loved ones.  I know that it is not easy to talk about the pain and heartbreak.

    As a gentleman for me to see and be with people who I have loved and care about gone.  The days become lonely.  I strive every day to go on but I can see and recall the memories.  I find that I wallow in sentiment and think why me Lord.  Yet I can understand that the time I spent with them was short but happy, laughter and tears.  May each day be a day to remember.

    A lot of my friendships and relationships were such days of joy and we all meant some thing to each other.  Having friends like that we are were part of a community but I have to look back not only with tears of pain and realise that the opportunity to help others with problems and find solutions. 

    The giving, sharing, warmth, caring that they bought to my life and each other lives enriching having a shoulder to lean on.

    The memories last long and linger.
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  • thespicemanthespiceman Posts: 5,340Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Ella1976 Thank you for words of comfort.  It is much appreciated.  My past health history has a lot to why I am this way, I never say that to any one in my circle or community pull yourself together get a grip.  I am not that sort of person plus I only have them in my thoughts and prayers.

    When you have had an addiction history.  It is a community.  I do not want to upset any body in the forum.  People say to me I could not cope with that.  When I explain you are in rehab or meetings or group sessions.  The person you are talking to might not be there next day or week  You strike up a friendship each day or week that you meet.  As you do.  Then the day comes they might have to back into hospital or some thing like relapsed.  Even worse the end has come.  Sorry if I was upsetting anybody.  It does happen. 

    I have to put my supportive ,compassion heart out there.  Even if you are crying a thousand tears inside, so hard so difficult.  I feel the hurt of others.  Probably why I since never really get close to any body any more.

    I have a mate up the road me and him support each other.  Need to share both of us doing OK and are always talking about who we have lost in our community.  Know last few years lost mates  some of them with partners and children.

    I struggle with as I say thinking of this now but it is the stories that I can gladly share with every body of there lives.  Moving on always try to any way.  Have to but, what does make my angry this disease is never really discussed in full society.

    Maybe I am the one who is a survivor to discuss and debate this.  Last mental health charity hated me talking about it.  My mate works in clinics supporting others drugs and alcoholism.  I feel that we as a  society do need discuss the harm it has done.  Always start of year on the web causes for concern.  Health stories the worry and the damage it is doing.

    Take care 
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  • thespicemanthespiceman Posts: 5,340Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Ella1976 Thank you for replying and sharing your story and what is happening.  I am always glad to listen. I can understand what pain and heartache you have been through.  I feel for you.  Thank you for kind comments.

    What ever the illness or problems we as a community need to express the feelings emotions, so others can learn and be aware how can I deal with this.  Seek help and advice to deal with traumatic situations.  Life is never easy and trying to cope with what can be often daunting experiences.

    Not be afraid to discuss what is bothering you.  All of us have had issues.  That we can support each other.

    I use my life knowledge to benefit others who have fallen down and I have deep respect for those who have to go through a lifetime of  battles.  Be much as I can for them.  Ready to listen and offer my sincere support, kindness.

    Offer comfort, prayer, words of wisdom if I can.

    Hope you take care nice to talk to you.
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  • bevvypbevvyp Posts: 42Member Connected
    Hi all I'm sorry to say I tried to kill myself 3 was ago, I got drunk _I don't drink_ and drank a bottle of oxycodone and told no one, luckily my sister came to fetch me for dinner as she had made too much but I was already unconscious, I nearly died and was in hospital a week and have damaged my liver, on the upside I now have support from mental health matters and psychiatry at hospital and a CPN so having a full evaluation of me and my meds, I've claimed ESA but the assessor stopped the assessment after 20 minutes due to my distress and and so claimed pip but am not holding out much hope, I've never claimed before but heard some horror stories, one thing I have realised is _ my hubby isn't coming back and I've got to start looking after myself
  • Pippa_ScopePippa_Scope Posts: 5,856Member Disability Gamechanger
    Thank you for sharing this with us, @bevvyp. It must have been a really difficult time for you, but glad to hear you now have mental health support in place.

    If you or anybody else reading this thread is dealing with thoughts of suicide, please do remember that the Samaritans are contactable 24/7 at 116 123 (UK).
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