If this is your first visit, check out the community guide. You will have to Join us or Sign in before you can post.

Excluded by partner's daughter

mariacmariac Posts: 10Member Listener
edited April 2018 in Dating and relationships
My partners youngest daughter goes out of her way to ignore me/act as if I am not there/makes a point I of excluding me from family photos.
When he came to an agreement with her mother about being bought out of the house they owned aturally she asked for her keys back and that he change his address. The daughter gave him a lecture in front of me saying it wasn't a good idea to change his address to mine. For my birthday he suggested his children ages 29, 21 and 19 should send me a card. The youngest lied to him and said she had sent "Thingy" a card and posted it first class (I could hear the phone conversation). It arrived after my birthday having my address on it and the postcode of his family home. Inside the card was addressed to his ex girlfriend. When he came home from work I gave him the envelope and said I wouldn't be thanking her. He was upset with her. He thinks I have been very patient and have always been polite.  He finally told her she has to stop being so rude and do something about the situation she has caused. I expected an apology but am still waiting. I feel frustrated with the situation as i prefer to tackle problems (job experience i guess) but he feels it will sort itself out. She is doing well at Uni and catching her unawares I firmly believe she knows exactly what she is doing from the looks she gives me.
Her mother now has a new partner and a wedding is on the cards which hasn't gone down well and now the daughter has announced she is pregnant. 
I believe she is looking for attention.
I would appreciate any guidance or suggestions as the whole situation is stressful.
Many thanks


Replies

  • CockneyRebelCockneyRebel Posts: 5,033Member, Community champion Brian Blessed
    Hi mariac and welcome

    Just wanted to welcome you, I am no expert in relationships so won't stick my oar in other than suggesr you try Relate

    https://www.relate.org.uk/

    Wishing you well]

    CR

    Be all you can be, make  every day count. Namaste
  • sandyp196sandyp196 Posts: 132Member Chatterbox
    She doesn't live with you.  Your husband is supportive of you. The girl sounds hurt and angry. My suggestion would be to just keep being friendly and kind even if you don't want to or don't feel like it.  You have to earn the trust and affection of step children. Some don't make it easy. But a feud is really bad and sometimes no coming back from it. Always take the high Road because then you will have nothing to feel guilty for and you won't give her any ammunition. It will make her behaviour seem even more unreasonable - even to her!
     When it's her birthday send her a nice card, a gift and organise a little birthday tea. It will make you feel better and will make her remember how shabby she treated you on your birthday.  Plus it's a nice thing to do.
    Just keep being yourself and she might come around. Sounds like she is testing you and if you blow it will give her what she wants. You have to have a Teflon coating to deal with some step children.  I know you want her to like you and it would make life much easier. So the best thing to do is just keep being kind, welcoming and friendly, even if she isn't.  You could say your not happy with her treatment of you but you understand her anger and frustration.
    It's tough dealing with angry resentful step kids. You have to stay one step ahead of them and always be the adult. she wants you to prove her right, so don't.  You obviously care about her, and her opinion of you means a lot or your wouldn't be looking for advice.  Lots of step parents don't care. You obviously do.. so perhaps it's worth trying again with her. 
    If she continues to not be interested at least she will have nothing bad to say about you. 
  • mariacmariac Posts: 10Member Listener
    Thanks for taking the time to reply to me, I really appreciate it as I feel I am getting nowhere. I have even suggested meeting up for coffee in a neutral place to try and find out what is bugging her. My partner can't understand why I don't want to do this in our home. 
    We think her mother has been a big influence on the way she has been with me so can only hope that as she becomes more independent that that will change.
    Thanks again 

  • JennysDadJennysDad Posts: 2,308Member, Community champion Chatterbox
    edited April 2018
    I feel for you, @mariac, believe me.
    19 - I'm assuming from the ages you listed - seems a little old for this sort of behaviour, but I could well be wrong about that.
    The girl is hurting you because she, herself, is hurting. In her mind something terrible has happened to her, to her family and to her expectations of how things were going to be. And she would have behaved, I'm sure, just as negatively toward any woman who had taken what she obviously thinks of as her mother's place. In a sense it's not personal, but it clearly hurts personally.
    Had a little think and a look around and found this at Gingerbread Uk (nominally for single parents but, as I suspected, they have advice for people in roughly your situation. https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/information/moving-in-with-a-new-partner/
    Hope some of that helps,
    Warmest best wishes to you
    Richard

  • sandyp196sandyp196 Posts: 132Member Chatterbox
    mariac said:
    Thanks for taking the time to reply to me, I really appreciate it as I feel I am getting nowhere. I have even suggested meeting up for coffee in a neutral place to try and find out what is bugging her. My partner can't understand why I don't want to do this in our home. 
    We think her mother has been a big influence on the way she has been with me so can only hope that as she becomes more independent that that will change.
    Thanks again 

    Tbh i dont understand eithet why you wont meet with her for a chat in your home. Her dad lives there. She should feel welcome and at home in the place where her dad lives. Not allowing her into your home is giving her a big reason to dislike you and becomes a carch 22 situation. In your own home you are in charge and can insist she treats you with respect.
       Sorry to be blunt but I have been a step child in that situation and it's not nice and I never forgave it. But I hope you manage to sort things out. At least you care enough to try.  
  • mariacmariac Posts: 10Member Listener
    Thanks Richard I will have a look.
    Since leaving her mother my partner had an on off relationship with someone for 5 years who had health/drink problems and eventually after trying hard he decided it was in his best interest to draw a line under the relationship. She got on well with her and that is who she addressed the birthday card to which didn't help.
    It is lovely to know people are listening and willing to help. If I had the means of regular contact with her it wouldn't have got to this point, but from what I can gather a lot of things have not been addressed correctly and as a result she speaks down to her parents and says what she feels.
    Thank you 
  • mariacmariac Posts: 10Member Listener
    Sandy she doesn't know I have suggested that we meet bcause  her dad hasn'I told her. If she had treated me with any respect she would have been welcomed in my home ages ago, but until she does I do not feel comfortable with her leaving a bad feeling in the place I call my home. She has never expressed any interest in visiting to the best of my knowledge.
    I understand what you are saying but it is also a lever to try and get her dad to address the problem and organise a meeting. I also feel somewhere neutral means either one of us can get up and walk away if the meeting does not go well.
     No offence taken by your "bluntness" I just want to get some resolution to a stressful situation.




  • JennysDadJennysDad Posts: 2,308Member, Community champion Chatterbox
    Hi again, @mariac, and that clarifies things in that - from what you say - she's been grieving for something since at least the age of 14. And even if she seems to have 'got on with' your predecessor, drink problems never make any relationship better :smile:
    See how you get on with the Gingerbread resource, and do get back to us if we can be useful. It is clearly an awful situation for you.
    Warmest best wishes,
    Richard
  • mariacmariac Posts: 10Member Listener
    Thanks will do
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,757 Listener
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
  • mariacmariac Posts: 10Member Listener
    I do try to put it on the back burner as much as possible and dread any family events as I get stressed out thinking about it and eczema flairs up. Luckily they aren't too frequent.
    No doubt at some point it will come to a head and if no-one else pulls her up for being rude/talking across me i will say something as I feel I have held back long enough.
    Thanks for your thoughts.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,757 Listener
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
  • mariacmariac Posts: 10Member Listener
    I don't believe in war, I am a very patient person until pushed too far, then I will say my piece and feel better for it.
    I also don't like things to drag on, it is not good for anyone.
    My partner and I have discussed the situation on many occasions but he thinks she will come round in time. My concern is the "damage" it causes in the meanwhile.
    Her stepsister and brother are not impressed with her either!!
    I have always liked the saying "What goes around comes around" and I am positive she would be very upset if someone treated her the way she treats me.
    Me and my Prince Charming will get through this somehow.
  • debbiedo49debbiedo49 Posts: 2,571Member Brian Blessed
    @mariac just reading the comments on here and it sounds to me like you are dealing with adult children yes? So its not really your place to parent them is it? You should treat them as you expect to be treated and deal with them as you would other adults. You should not be getting into conflict with their father and putting stress on your health or your relationship. Treating adult children like children is wrong even when they behave like children. Its a viscous cycle. Can you see what I mean? Set your own boundaries like you would do with any other adult. Let your partner know what you are doing and move on. Good luck


    I am a fibrowarrior!
  • mariacmariac Posts: 10Member Listener
    Yes she is 20 and having dealt with a lot of people in my career I mentioned to my partner over a year ago that she had a problem. He couldn't see it, but said he would find out if anything was bothering her. He didn't say anything till the episode with the birthday card several months later when he told her she was rude to people and he wasn't happy with the way she treated me. I expected some form of contact/apology but nothing happened. She then arranged a family Xmas meal at a local pub and I said I wasn't happy about going based on the way she had treated me and he promised me she would be fine it was her way of making amends. Over the next weeks I tried to put it out of my mind but didn't really succeed. My partner wanted me to join him but said if it was bothering me that much he understood if I didn't go. Right at the last minute she said she couldn't go, so once I relaxed I enjoyed the night. I know it is his daughter but I wish he would find a way of helping me with this. His older sister had told me he doesn't like confrontation and doubts he will do anything. Now the daughter has found out she is pregnant she has other things on her mind. The strange thing is a few weeks ago I thought that would be the next thing to happen to her. I still believe she is looking for attention and not getting it from her parents.i would be interested to know how she treats her mum's new partner as I believe she is not happy about their wedding plans and the fact that he will be moving into her home. Thanks for listening.

  • debbiedo49debbiedo49 Posts: 2,571Member Brian Blessed
    I understand what you are saying but you are the adult and so is she. Either give her the chance without prejudice or just don’t be around her. You are not her parent. You cannot be her parent. If there is a problem it’s her problem not yours. Why are you investing time on it? If the woman wants you in her life she will come to you. If you truly want to help her leave her alone and just be kind when she is around you. Do you have children of your own? 


    I am a fibrowarrior!
  • mariacmariac Posts: 10Member Listener
    Staying out of her way is easy as she isn't around here often, but I would like it sorting for my partner's sake.
    I have always been polite and spoken to her.  I am not bothered if she doesn't like me but respect and civility cost nothing and the way I was brought up I find it difficult to understand why her parents don't for example pull her up for talking across conversations. They could do it discretely and pull her to one side.
    I am not looking to cause problems, I was looking for advice from anyone who might have had to deal with a similar situation.
  • JennysDadJennysDad Posts: 2,308Member, Community champion Chatterbox
    Hello again @mariac.
    I didn't mention before that I was for a while de facto stepdad to two teenage boys and from age 11 or so to my 20s encountered a series of putative stepfathers of my own after my mother's marriage broke up. The latter is important in that I know first-hand what the psychological impact can be of a breakup of the family.
    In my case my father didn't stay around very long to cause complications - I think he emigrated under the radar when I was about 15 - but I grew up with a conviction (sadly aided and abetted by my mother) that my father had not loved me enough to stay. Children (irrespective of age, it seems) are most often inclined to the view that they bear some responsibility for the break-up, and it can be brutal and cause long term damage.
    The two boys I step-parented until their mother decided I had fulfilled her purposes included one who had additional problems insofar as he bore a strong physical resemblance to his own father, who had been dispatched after the discovery that he was sexually abusing the two daughters of the family. They and a third brother were adult and no longer at home when my relationship with their mum began. It was hard work with all five of them for different reasons, but there was a strong element in each of the relationships of a hostility arising from being the one close to their mum, occupying a role which they each to some extent thought should be their own.
    This young woman, I think, is suffering and is hurting others because she is. Your partner, as her dad, should - I think - be dealing with that. I think, too, that there may be hope in this projected marriage of her mother to someone else and that someone else entering into the home. She may find herself much more in need of you than she perhaps thinks she is now.
    My honest advice - which is free and possibly worth as much as it costs - is to do all you can to love her. It may not work but, in the end, it is all we have got.
    Warmest best wishes, always,
    Richard
  • mariacmariac Posts: 10Member Listener
    Thanks Richard, it has definitely helped to discuss with everyone and get their views. We all have our own stories and I can only guess what a child feels like from a broken relationship/marriage, but do have personal experience of parents constantly rowing in my younger years but that is another story.
    I hope that at some point in the future things will settle. She has fallen out with her own mother now and given her personal circumstances of being pregnant and at Uni she may need more support. At the moment I do this through her dad trying to look at things from a woman's point of view.
    I bet you are a good dad, thank you.

  • debbiedo49debbiedo49 Posts: 2,571Member Brian Blessed
    @mariac hi there I know you are not trying to cause trouble, my advice is for your sake. I agree with @JennysDad just love her, or like her. You seem like a kind person. 


    I am a fibrowarrior!
  • JennysDadJennysDad Posts: 2,308Member, Community champion Chatterbox
    I want to thank you @mariac, for your very kind words. Deeply touched.
    Having personal experience of 'parents constantly rowing' in your childhood has probably impacted on you a good deal, may help explain your desire to keep things 'un-hostile' around you and in your own private space. That is a need that needs to be respected.
    Having done her best to fall out with you, now having fallen out with her mum and getting pregnant at such a difficult stage in her life all suggest to me that which you called, I think, 'looking for attention'. What it suggests to me is a very deep, potentially quite profound unhappiness, full of potential danger in terms of poor self esteem and problems with relationships. I hope this new phase of her life will enable you to help her and, in the process. help yourself.
    Warmest best wishes to you, always,
    Richard

Sign in or join us to comment.