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How to support my son whose friend has Aspergers and Add?

debbiedo49debbiedo49 Posts: 1,283Member Chatterbox
edited May 11 in Ask an ASD advisor
My poor son is feeling the strain of being a long standing pal to a boy with Aspergers and Add due to the way his pal views girls as sex objects. His pal appears to have an obsession with watching anime porn on his mobile constantly. When my son raises the subject about the above his pal says mind your own business. This happens in public places, at college, on the bus and my son feels really angry and embarassed about this addiction. He feels the weight of this friendship is breaking him mentally. My son is a very caring boy and he tries to help people but in thI case he feels he cant help him. They are both over 18 and not breaking any laws. I think its a matter of time before the boy gets into serious trouble for the way he treats girls and I know its part of his Aspergers. The boy refuses any suggestions of getting help apparently. What should my son do?Maybe we are both wrong?  

This too shall pass!

Replies

  • GeoarkGeoark Posts: 920Member, Community champion Chatterbox
    Hi @debbiedo49 while I have concerns about your son's friend you have asked for advice for your son, which is right.

    Putting aside the friend's autism for a moment, my advice would be to ask where your son thinks this friendship is going and if it is to his detriment he should consider moving on. 

    Having consuming interests in not unusual with autistic people. My concern for the friend is how his attitude towards women is being formed by what he is watching and his understanding of personal boundaries. 

    Regardless of your son's decision if he wants to continue to be friends with this person I would suggest he considers talking to one of the staff at college about his concerns or at least allow you to do so, confidentially of course. Not to get him into trouble but so he can get help regarding boundaries.

    While we often talk about intollerance I have seen this go the other way where young people are too tollerant allowing inappropriate behaviour to carry on to everyones detriment. The longer it is allowed to carry on the worse the situation becomes.

    This is my opinion, hopefully some of the other members will have some advise for you.

    As an individual I stood alone.
    As a member of a group I did things.
    As part of a community I helped to create change!

  • debbiedo49debbiedo49 Posts: 1,283Member Chatterbox
    Thats great advice.  Thanks. The college course isending soon and I dont think they will socialze together much after that. My son doesnt see him outside of college now due to his behaviour and they dont have a lot in common as they are getting older. I think I am concerned for the boy, as my son is, that he is going to get into trouble but we cant wrap them in cotton wool. Its a shame. The boy is wide open to being abused by his other peers who share his addiction and thats very worrying. 

    This too shall pass!
  • GeoarkGeoark Posts: 920Member, Community champion Chatterbox
    Hi @debbiedo49

    As a father with a daughter with Aspergers I fully appreciate what you mean about concerns regarding being open to being abused, let alone in situations like this. But I am also very much in favour in not wrapping them up in cotton wool.

    While this is one concern the other one I have concerns your comments about his attitude to women and the way he treats them. One thing I have observed in my daughter and having worked with autistic children and young people is that they can mature much slower than neurotypical people. This means this young man views and sexual desires are being heightened while his lack of understanding of social skills or even concerns of his behaviour by friends means he is likely to become more isolated. Potentially there is a chance at some point he may decide to act on his desires and sexually attack someone. 

    While he is in college and there are people like you and your son around him there is some hope for him to get some help, before he is abused or he abuses someone else, but only if people like yourselves speak out with his best interest in mind.

    As an individual I stood alone.
    As a member of a group I did things.
    As part of a community I helped to create change!

  • debbiedo49debbiedo49 Posts: 1,283Member Chatterbox
    Thanks @Geoark thats really helpful. Do you think my son should talk to someone at college confidentially ?

    This too shall pass!
  • GeoarkGeoark Posts: 920Member, Community champion Chatterbox
    If he is happy to do so yes. I would suggest starting the conversation by being clear that he is wants to get help for this friend and not to get him into trouble, this will help set th tone. He should also choose someone he is comfortable with.

    He may not hear any more afterwards but the college safeguarding policies should kick in and hopefully the boy will get the help and support he needs

    As an individual I stood alone.
    As a member of a group I did things.
    As part of a community I helped to create change!

  • debbiedo49debbiedo49 Posts: 1,283Member Chatterbox
    Thank you

    This too shall pass!
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