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My past experiences are affecting me now

JazzgirlJazzgirl Posts: 7Member Listener
Hi I need to let out some stuff I wondered if you could help me. 
Firstly from when I was young I had ocd from as young as I can remember the washing hands constantly until they were red roar the rituals making sure every thing was locked and shut and everyone in my family were safe. Ide pray every night that my mum My dad my brother and my pets were safe I had to say it in order because if if didn't someone was going to come and kill us so I say it 4 times and then worry if ide done it all correctly. My hands were washed four times before bed. Not only I had weird sexual desires from when I was young as about 6 which made me feel very guilty. I'll get back to that in a minute. When I was 7 my cousin who is also a girl showed me what she watched in porn and began to perform sexual acts on me that made me feel vert guilty for years and years I wanted to tell my mum I fell behind in school I was kissing girls at school which made my ocd worse. I finially grew out of washing my hands and checking all the doors when I was about 12.i was never in secondary school I was having sex with men twice or maybe 3 times my age. When I was about 18 the ocd came back or was triggered some how I was taking lots of cocaine. I started to get flash backs of when I was a child my mum having a man in the front room and me standing in my knickers about 5 years old I can't remember the rest I'm not sure if this is my ocd or this is how it began. I also have vivid memories of going over to stay at a friend's house about 6-7 and the dad sitting in the arm chair telling his daughter to take her clothes off and put her legs in the air. I remember telling my mum and never going back to that house and the friend eventually left school and I never saw her again. I'm confused as to why these memories only came back later in life rather than early teens or my brain just decided to block out the memories. I'm tryna make this short and sweet as possible. It's my first time every really letting anyone know and it's hard to know where to begin. I feel like my whole life was based around sex and nothing else and is that part of my ocd or part of my past? When I had my children I calmed down alot no promisscious behaviour but now I have children I get intrusive thoughts all the time that someone is guna hurt them violently or sexually. I cried in the middle of the nursery when I found out a man was working in my kids school. I feel very uncomfortable around men and letting anyone around my kids. I even think my dad or my brother are going to do nasty things to them and I have to speak with my self and say of course you no they would never do that. I feel so confused I hate the thoughts I'm having they make me depressed and feel frustrated I don't no how to block them out 

Replies

  • seasidemamaseasidemama Posts: 9Member Listener
    Hi @Jazzgirl
    sorry to hear about your suffering. Sending you good vibes and hoping you find support you can trust so you can go on moving forward on your journey. 
    Well done for letting that all out, it’s very brave of you. Be kind to yourself today and every day. 
  • Ami2301Ami2301 Posts: 3,180Member, Community champion Brian Blessed
    Hi @Jazzgirl
    Firstly, I admire you and think you're incredible for sharing your past with us. You say you're confused but how do you feel now opening up to us? 

    We will help you anyway we can because you are now part of our community, welcome :)
    You're a fighter. Look at everything you've overcome. Don't give up now!
  • Pippa_ScopePippa_Scope Posts: 5,267Administrator Scope community team
    Hi @Jazzgirl, and a warm welcome to the community! It's great to have you here.

    Thank you for having the courage to share this with us, and I'm truly sorry to hear about all that you've been through. I hope you enjoy being a part of the community and among others who may be able to relate to your experiences.

    Given the nature of the issues you've described, I wonder if you'd prefer to talk to somebody on the helpline team? You can reach them by calling 0808 800 3333 (free) or find other ways of getting in touch here. It might also be worth speaking to your GP about this so they're aware of what's been happening, especially if you're struggling at the moment.

    I'm also tagging in our Sex and Relationships expert Gill (@PSHEexpert) in case there's any support or resources she can recommend for you. 
  • JazzgirlJazzgirl Posts: 7Member Listener
  • JazzgirlJazzgirl Posts: 7Member Listener
    edited October 2018
    I'm not sure what it feels like tbh my life has been one big roller coaster. I'm not saying my issues are worst than anyone elses it does feel alot better speaking to people who don't know me as I find it hard to actually speak about it to anyone. July 2016 I was kidnapped and held hostage in my ex partners kitchen raped and beaten and dragged into another room and he's basically f***** me up in front of my children. I never forgive my self for staying in a abusive relationship at the time I was 16 and thought every body else's relationships were like the one I was having. It got worse when I had my daughter he was uncontrollable achoholic. We went to the court but the jury decided he wasn't guilty and was let free but the judge had given him a restraining order with no ending date and I was moved to unknown location so he couldn't find me. I've not seen him in two years now. I hardly ever think about it like I've become num to everything sometimes I feel like I should write a book about my life. I know this is probably not the place to be spilling out my problems but I wana put it down on paper so least someone else can know. I'm not tryna do a emotional drive by on yall lol I feel like I get over things to quickly and I forgive to easy and when I hit like my mid life it'll hit me and I'll go mad lol
  • Ami2301Ami2301 Posts: 3,180Member, Community champion Brian Blessed
    Hi @Jazzgirl

    We understand how traumatic everything has been for you but could you not swear as we do have young members, thank you :)

    Have you thought any more about writing a book about your life? Have you ever seen a counsellor?

    We want to help you as much as we can :)
    You're a fighter. Look at everything you've overcome. Don't give up now!
  • lissylissy Posts: 5Member Listener

    I am 57 and for the past five years I have carried so much guilt about stuff that happened to me when I was 7 yrs old. My great uncle would touch me innapropriately at every opportunity until I was almost 9yrs old. It only stopped when my grandmother passed away as it would happen when I stayed with her.

    I have always felt a tremendous amount of guilt but it has got a lot more intense for some reason that I cannot explain.

    I have told my doctor and psychiatrist about this but nobody else knew.

    18 years ago I was badly beaten up and left for dead, the beating has ruined my life, I have no friends, my relationship with my son and daughter is very unpredictable and my step dad is struggling to cope with my anxiety and depression.

    My daughter gives the opinion of being mother when she helps me to deal with things I panic over such as my F2F assessment for my ESA claim. She offered to visit my doctor with me to ask for a letter regarding my illness.

    The attack of 18 years ago came into the conversation and my Dr asked me if my daughter was aware of it. I said yes of course. His words will haunt me forever, "That you were raped" I didnt know what to say and my daughters reaction was heartbreaking.

    My great uncle never raped me, he touched me but never penetrated me.
    I beleived the attack in question was the beating. It was the most shocking few minutes of my life as the embarassment of the situation and the garbled explaination came stuttering out of my mouth. that has made my guilt so much deeper seated in my head.

    I have no idea if my daughter believes what I said and I dont intend bringing up the past to her but I think I need to speak to someone because its torturing me more now than ever.

    Thank you @Jazzgirl for encouraging me to open up. I am in a state of disbelief that I have spoken of this. Your post gave me courage. Bless you for helping me.
  • JazzgirlJazzgirl Posts: 7Member Listener
    lissy said:
    Cf
    I am 57 and for the past five years I have carried so much guilt about stuff that happened to me when I was 7 yrs old. My great uncle would touch me innapropriately at every opportunity until I was almost 9yrs old. It only stopped when my grandmother passed away as it would happen when I stayed with her.

    I have always felt a tremendous amount of guilt but it has got a lot more intense for some reason that I cannot explain.

    I have told my doctor and psychiatrist about this but nobody else knew.

    18 years ago I was badly beaten up and left for dead, the beating has ruined my life, I have no friends, my relationship with my son and daughter is very unpredictable and my step dad is struggling to cope with my anxiety and depression.

    My daughter gives the opinion of being mother when she helps me to deal with things I panic over such as my F2F assessment for my ESA claim. She offered to visit my doctor with me to ask for a letter regarding my illness.

    The attack of 18 years ago came into the conversation and my Dr asked me if my daughter was aware of it. I said yes of course. His words will haunt me forever, "That you were raped" I didnt know what to say and my daughters reaction was heartbreaking.

    My great uncle never raped me, he touched me but never penetrated me.
    I beleived the attack in question was the beating. It was the most shocking few minutes of my life as the embarassment of the situation and the garbled explaination came stuttering out of my mouth. that has made my guilt so much deeper seated in my head.

    I have no idea if my daughter believes what I said and I dont intend bringing up the past to her but I think I need to speak to someone because its torturing me more now than ever.

    Thank you @Jazzgirl for encouraging me to open up. I am in a state of disbelief that I have spoken of this. Your post gave me courage. Bless you for helping me.
    All I can see is if your daughter is thar age where she can understand then tell her the truth. My kids are my bestfriends and I'm so pro over them they need to understand why I'm so protective over them. The world is a nasty place. I was on the streets from about 2. They  need to know what is out there and the reasons as we act the way we are. That is horrible that your uncle did that to you. I belive every thing happens for a reason Nd even no its not fair on us we will always make sure are kids are protected because of it. Be honest ur daughter will not judge you. And at the past comment I m sorry for swearing I thought it would automatically star out what I said to get my drift. I could write a book icould carry out what I would love to do in life but I have little money. I'm tryna show my kids I hopefully have my own business soon but times are hard. We're get there. 
  • JazzgirlJazzgirl Posts: 7Member Listener
    12* I meant to say I was O the street from 12 I was a rebellion as a. Kid. 
  • Ami2301Ami2301 Posts: 3,180Member, Community champion Brian Blessed
    I don't have any children but I agree with @Jazzgirl that your daughter will understand. She may accept it straightaway but it could take time for her to accept what happened to you. 

    It's OK @Jazzgirl :) Whatever you do, your children will be proud of you, know you're a strong woman. A fighter! 

    I was abused when I was younger...physically, sexually, emotionally and mentally. Again I agree with you that everything happens for a reason. We are who we are because of what we have been through. We can either let it take over our lives or accept what happened and move on. Believe me I know that's easier said than done! With the right help and support, we can get through this, we will get through this, together :)
    You're a fighter. Look at everything you've overcome. Don't give up now!
  • PSHEexpertPSHEexpert Posts: 150Member, Community advisor Chatterbox
    Hi @Jazzgirl (and everyone).  So the first thing that strikes me, joining the conversation at this point, is what a resilient, powerful community we are part of, and thank you to everyone for being part of it.  

    Listening to what you are saying @Jazzgirl (and please bear in mind that I am categorically not making any assumptions or trying to diagnose anything!) I wonder whether your OCD patterns are making this trauma harder to bear because of the recurrent thinking about it - you mention intrusive thoughts forming part of your OCD.  I think if you can access your GP as a starting point and ask to be referred for some proper support around that it might be the start of some help for you?  You say "I feel like my whole life was based around sex and nothing else and is that part of my ocd or part of my past? " - I think from listening to you that it sound like both are really closely linked.  You have had a horrendous set of experiences that nobody should ever have had to go through, and in addition to that you've got OCD which can really affect one's ability to process things/move forward because of the intrusive thought cycle.  It may be that you need to tackle both things with slightly different tools and that might mean two different paths of support depending on what is available in your area.  But you absolutely do not deserve to feel like this or be dealing with it by yourself - you were exposed to things that nobody should have to cope with alone.  Also, with regards memories coming back at different times - it's been shown that trauma does some extraordinary things to the brain, including triggering the ability to just shut things out that we can't cope with or process.  They might come back if triggered, or they might not.  I really think some proper talking therapy to process what has happened to you, alongside some support with your OCD, might be really helpful.  With regards OCD, some people definitely experience periods of more intense symptoms etc and even if you've had support before, it's always worth re-engaging services for more help.  You have done such a courageous thing to speak up about what has happened, and although it is painful, it is always the right thing to ask for help - none of it was your fault and you shouldn't have to bear it without support.  Hopefully speaking up will be the first step in moving forwards and through it - you have done the right thing and you will always be listened to and supported here too. 
    - Gill 
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