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Drowning

elvira977elvira977 Posts: 4Member Listener
hi 
I am a single parent, with spine issues and have had many surgeries to find myself still in pain, I also have a boy with Spina Bifida, and hydrocephalus, and lots of issues due to these, plus others not due to these, and a daughter who struggles with us both.
I recently totally lost it, the world just crashed in on me, I was just drowning in it all, had nothing left and couldn’t see anyway for it to end. I ended up locked up in a hotel room with lots of wine, and a lot of pills. I didn’t even manage that right and threw it all back up. 
My best friend sent the police to find me and they did at some stupid hour of the morning, as I was throwing up, they took what meds I had left and we’re content I couldn’t hurt myself further. 
I had to return home and face the children and I struggle now everyday, I just feel even worse now, I’m still drowning and I’m riddled with guilt that a wanted to just be out of pain, stress, and not feeling anything. I just don’t know how to cope now. I have been to the GP and self referee for counselling but right now it seems futile 
thanks for listening x

Replies

  • Pippa_ScopePippa_Scope Posts: 4,873Administrator Scope community team
    Hi @elvira977, and a warm welcome to the community! It's great to have you here.

    Oh I'm so sorry to hear this, it sounds as though things have been really difficult recently and you've clearly had a lot to cope with. I'm truly sorry to hear that you felt you couldn't deal with it all.

    It's really positive to hear that you've been proactive in seeking help, and I hope the counselling is beneficial. Do you have any practical support to help you manage at home?

    Do keep in touch and let us know how you're doing. You're among friends here, and I hope at the very least it helps knowing you're among others who understand and can empathise. 
  • Sam_ScopeSam_Scope Posts: 6,618Administrator Scope community team
    Thank you for sharing, you are making some really positive steps forward, from asking for help and in coming here and talking about it, you arent alone and people do understand.

    As @Pippa_Scope says you are amongst friends here so please do chat with us

    Scope
    Senior online community officer
  • newbornnewborn Posts: 176Member Chatterbox
    I have a bit of a problem sometimes, with the idea that people with real, serious, real life practical battles must have something wrong with them, not their circumstances. 

      They, not their situation, are assumed to need to be changed and improved. 

       Instead of practical help, to make their circumsatances more endurable, the only theory in town is to stop them being so 'faulty'. 

      Do people with practical problems truly need need 'treating' with some chemicals and counselling?
  • fyzahfyzah Posts: 3Member Listener
    I know how you feel, I feel for you. I reach this low point, a dangerous time,. I have tried to develop skills to bring myself up, but it is hard. I couldn't leave the children with the aftermath of my suicide, so I hang on to that, Also, I have this saying, that we are all going to die in the end,so  we might as well hack it to the end.
    I am also with a spinal tumour and severe arthritis. People often think one has a family to get support, but this is not always the case. I found myself isolated as a mother of twins and coping alone. I am 59 now and my twins are 21, however, the  government has just stopped housing benefits for disabled people who have mortgages... from when I earned and I am facing losing my home, when I have 5 surgeries to face. I do find myself thinking.. why doesn't this government line up disabled people and just shoot us,, this is my black humour. But try not to allow yourself to think that you can end your life. 
    Is it mainly the pain, or is it housing issues and everything else on top of the pain I wonder. It is really hard to find support. I don't think I have anyone I can really tell that I am not coping. I always put on a face. Maybe this saves me.. I don't know. I don't think counselling always helps, as they are not trained therapists; but sometimes just retired middle-class people who ar good at listening. You need someone you like, and who is educated and skilled, to work with you on how to change things to fit around your pain and also  help you look at options for putting in a support structure. xxxxx
     
  • topshoestopshoes Posts: 437Member Chatterbox
    Hi @newborn ; a warm welcome to you, i am so sorry to hear what you are going through ,we are all here if you need to talk any time . x 















  • elvira977elvira977 Posts: 4Member Listener
    Hi everyone 
    today has been another bad day, and I’ve now at the age of (old) developed a migraine on top of everything else. 😭😭😭😭
  • crackercracker Posts: 233Member Chatterbox
    Hello and welcome to you. I think many of us have been where you are - I certainly have.

    Not speaking for anyone else, but  I have found that sometimes I need a medication to get me over these deep depressions.

    I am sorry for the italics. I must have hit a key inadvertently.
  • newbornnewborn Posts: 176Member Chatterbox
    An analogy might be, after a plane crash, you are crawling over the desert, near death, urgently needing water, food, shade, and a rescuer to take you to safety.

    There is someone riding a camel,  carrying water,  perfectly able to remove every one of your obvious practical needs.

    But, sadly, it is a counsellor.  You won't  be given any practical help of any kind.  No food, shade or rescue.    That isn't on his tick box of 'assistance'.

    He and his camel look down on you, in every sense.      "How do you F E E L" ?  "Do you F E E L as though you have problems?"  he enquires, before riding off to his next appointment, leaving you to perish in the blazing heat, without even a drink of water .  
  • elvira977elvira977 Posts: 4Member Listener
    newborn said:
    An analogy might be, after a plane crash, you are crawling over the desert, near death, urgently needing water, food, shade, and a rescuer to take you to safety.

    There is someone riding a camel,  carrying water,  perfectly able to remove every one of your obvious practical needs.

    But, sadly, it is a counsellor.  You won't  be given any practical help of any kind.  No food, shade or rescue.    That isn't on his tick box of 'assistance'.

    He and his camel look down on you, in every sense.      "How do you F E E L" ?  "Do you F E E L as though you have problems?"  he enquires, before riding off to his next appointment, leaving you to perish in the blazing heat, without even a drink of water .  
    I have my best friend to provide water, I need to have someone totally unrelated to speak with about the whole situation. 
  • NataszaNatasza Posts: 2Member Listener
    Hi Elvira.
    I'm also a single parent and I try to imagine how you feel. 
    2018 has been the worse year for me so far.  I was in a relationship for 6 years which was not really happy and then I found out that my partner was cheating and lying for the whole duration. He was never there to help or just hold me when I struggled with my son who had LD and epilepsy that was not controlled by medication. The hurt and betrayal was immense especially that I Had to walk past his lover daily at my work !!! I ended up changing jobs to get away but the new work was much further. My son was getting sicker and his school called ambulance almost every week as he would stop breathing for no apparent reason. I ended up giving up my job as I couldn't be far away not able to look after him.  The stress of no income was awful. I than found a new job,  one that I don't enjoy but it pays bills and is nearby. My son than got better and I thought I was through the worse. I Broke up with the toxic relationship. Took a deep breath.Than unexpectedly, my son died in his sleep.  I was and still am devastated. 
    When a child dies at home police get involved. During one of the conversation I misinterpreted what they said and thought that they accused me of causing it. I broke. Rushed to take pills and didn't know how to cope. I was put on suicide watch. The worse thing is that my daughter who is 15 witnessed it. I feel so guilty. She already suffered watching paramedics failing to resuscitate her brother and will not talk about it.  She has counselling but really struggles. 
    I asked my GP to prescribe me antidepressants just so that I can get out of bed every day. I took it and developed toxicity at minimal dose. Spent 5hrs in A&E, the effects have not worn out as yet. It was frightening. 
    I feel mentally and physically unwell. And exhausted. I dont like my job. I'm grieving, I cried every night for 3-4hrs for over a month. I miss my son so much.  I feel guilty about what my daughter went through. I also feel extremely lonely as parenting a child with disability for years meant that my social circle is almost non existent.
    And today my bank called to say that some odd transactions (fraud) took place on my credit card and it was charged £1000. They will try to resolve it. I hope !!
    I am too scarred to take antidepressants. 
    But I get up every day and go to work. I smile and pretend that I'm ok.  And the thing that keeps me going is my daughter. I love her hugely, she gives me joy and I try my hardest to make her smile.
    I know that there are many people like me out there,  struggling with what life throws at them but they persevere. It's so hard to believe that things will get better but somehow I do. I keep telling myself that 2019 will be my year.  Im already making resolutions. 
    I will become healthier and fitter. I will talk to people and make new friends. I will look for a new job or learn to like the one I have. I will volunteer. And most importantly, I will spend more time with my daughter doing little things.  Like sitting together on a sofa or baking a cake. 
    I don't want to be a victim of my circumstances, I want to show my daughter that life will not crush me. And there are joys to be found every day.
    I spent a lot of time online reading motivational quotes...sound silly but somehow they help...."darkest hour is before sunrise" is my favourite.
    Please don't give up.  There are positives in your message too.... you have a daughter who is showing a lot of resilience. You have a son who needs you.  (You won't believe how much that means).  
    And you have a best friend who really cares. 
    Try to find the positives. And look after yourself. It will get better. 
    X


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