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We we won't invite you again

crackercracker Posts: 285Member Pioneering
Before my disabilities got so much worse and reduced my mobility to almost nothing, I would get together with q couple of friends every week. 

One of them said We just won't invite you any more. You keep cancelling at the last moment. It'w obvious that you don't want to come and be with us."

I tried to explain, but they not only did not understand, they blamed  me deserting them. It must have seemed that way to them. It must have hurt them that I keep cancelling.

I was never able to re-create these good relationships, even though I asked them if we could fine something we all could do which would accommodate my disability. No response. They could not see how much  I was hurt.

I am reminded that our disabilities affect us physically and so very much emotionally and socially.
I wonder what one can do to help people understand and welcome me in as a person, not reject me for what I cannot do..


Replies

  • MisscleoMisscleo Posts: 570Member Pioneering
    Been there
    Got the T shirt
  • Angiebabes2410Angiebabes2410 Posts: 70Member Courageous
    Yep me too, I'm so sorry you have problems like this too, maybe we should be friends at least we would understand each other's problems xx 
  • DoriFishDoriFish Posts: 24Member Connected
    I completely agree
    From a very out going person, I was thrown into an old body
    Quite quickly my friends shifted away because I couldn't do what they wanted to do
    (That I understand)
    But we are still that same person wanting to get out
    It does hurt to be excluded & dropped like a hot brick.
    I'm lucky I've got a good friend that does do somethings with me, that I am capable to do
    But most of the time I'm on my own
    I think a lot of people don't have the patience & understanding to try & make room for us in their schedule & busy lives
    YES it does Hurt
    All I can say is find something that you can do & enjoy 
    Even if it's in your own home & on your own
    And try to get out even for a short time to see the world
    Good luck to all xx
  • laura1980laura1980 Posts: 3Member Listener
    I completely get what you mean since my fibromyalgia was diagnosed and mobility got worse my friendships have dwindled I also have bi-polar amd suffer with severe anxiety some days the thought of going out makes me feel sick. Luckly I have a loving husband who is very understanding but it does hurt to not have the friendships I used to. I'm here if anyone needs a chat x
  • Gwendoline1Gwendoline1 Posts: 199Member Pioneering
    Like you laura1980 I’m lucking I have a kind, caring husband. So I too consider myself fortunate.
    As much as I agree that some people don’t have the patience or understanding, I feel at times it’s more of a case that they don’t want to break from the norm, I also feel they don’t know how to approach the different you or the changed you.
    I find it quite sad that for situations like myself which is physical, acquaintances have just pretended they’ve not seen me or are in a hurry. 
    Sad but it happens. 
    I agree with DoriFish, find things you enjoy however simplistic it may be, do it. I’m enjoying listening to Christmas songs, hahaha I’ll be bored silly by the middle of December hahaha never mind.
    Try not to let others get you down, I just feel and this is me, if they were good friends they’d still be there, through thick and thin.
    Lifes to short to worry about others, try and enjoy yourself. Take care of yourself 😀😀😀
  • crackercracker Posts: 285Member Pioneering
    @Gwendoline1, You bring up q good point. People do not want to depart from the norm or b e judged by their friends as having something something wrong with them, being  q member of the disability community. They are afraid of being judged.

    I am reminded of being in school, where anyone with a disability was excluded and mocked. Those who chose to try to form friendships with the disability were also rejected and mocked.

    People need to grow up.

    Perhaps too much to expect, given that we live in a world where people are murdered for being different.

    Thanks for the insight.
  • Gwendoline1Gwendoline1 Posts: 199Member Pioneering
    You are sadly absolutely right. Their loss. 
    Take care of yourself 😀😀😀
  • thespicemanthespiceman Posts: 4,666Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @cracker ; So sorry to hear this, being rejected by friends no one wishes or want this.

    Are they friends in the first place.  Never understand why people are so cruel and heartless, insensitive to others.

    Had that so many times recently lunch club. Because I eat the with a spoon and a fork and others are embarrassed to be around me..

    Anyway had a lot of this as I look back and say well are they really friends.

    Worth the energy and effort.

    Why we can not ever have acceptance of people.  Never understand that ever why not.

    Only ever ring me on the landline to use and abuse me, burden me with their problems.

    Stopped that now have security , screen all my calls.  Use mobile if they wish to have a number. All very sad to share .

    Have one true friend . 

    Once like all of us had loads but end of the day. You need to be comfortable and feel you can trust a friend.  Be respectable and supportive. Not be judged acceptance of all your faults . 

    You would no doubt be there for them but would they be there for you. Have to say that to yourself.

    I do all the time.

    This community the people I know on this forum are friends in my eyes.  Even though I remain anonymous behind a screen.

    I can make and do connections . Yet outside in the big bad old world can not be accepted for what I am.  From others outside our community.

    Pleasure to talk to you.

    Take care  

    @thespiceman





    .


  • crackercracker Posts: 285Member Pioneering
    @thespiceman,

    How right you are. The "friends" I do talk to use my disability as a spring board to tell about their own woes. And no, they were not true friends. As you say, we would be there for the, but they are not for us.

    Discrimination seems to be in the nature of me. Here, the president is prejudiced against disabled people, immigration and in the country itself, cutting funding for programs for the elderly, disabled and children.

    I do not understand this world at all. The people on this forum are honest, compassionate and understanding. Would that the rest of the world were that way.

    I have seen people who were "the worried well" change entirely in personality when they became disabled. No longer standoffish or judgmental or rejecting of the disabled.. For they were now part of that community. They have become gentler and so willing to help others. Their community has changed, so has their outlook and behaviour.

    It is so good to talk with you, thank you!
  • thespicemanthespiceman Posts: 4,666Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    edited December 2018
    Hello @cracker ; Thank you for your reply . First thing this is the situation also must tell you in this country.

    Regarding the disabled, ill and those who have conditions. The old and infirm all changes, budget cuts and most days as my role. As community champion see the end results.

    I am and have been a keen follower of all things American Politics.

    Seems one time every one looked really to America as a leader. Now with Trump in charge most people of the country obviously seeing the reason why many never wanted to vote for him.

    Yet at the same time do not like Hilary Clinton either so want does the voter do.

    I am sorry what is happening to your country . I also feel for you at the present time with the friends who do not care.

    I had one time well many times the similar stories to yours. Use me and my life stories, knowledge a springboard to talk about them selfish selves.

    Had one so called friend so the most audacious and blatant person I have ever met.  Used and abused for five years yet he could not stand me.

    Arrived at my home, used my facilities to ensconce himself every weekend for a year then all the time make excuses. To leave.  To go back to his bed and breakfast hotel.. Used to find towels, bedding missing , money and other food items.

    How and when you tell me.  I thought I had stuff missing and tried to approach the subject. In those days. 

    Was ill and frightened of this friend.   Had and was my addiction days plus he himself never said no to . All of us who knew him. He had done jail . Did not know what to do.   When your lonely and vulnerable.

    One time arriving he announced going to another house with a friend some one else like myself.  Found the strength to call them up and told them the truth.

    On arriving one other time he needed a lift to the hospital. I was entering the hostel and heard his voice . Used foul language to signify my self and I knew then had to stop this.

    Some how found the courage walked a way and was home. The phone ringing constantly on and off during that time. Then ended.

    This is mate crime what they call it.

    One piece of advice I can give you done this to him and others. Wrote a letter how I feel. What you need to say. Be short and to the point.  I did also point out lots of the above, using specific words.

    If they agree to change then will be a true friend. If ignored then not one.

    Great to talking to .  Always here.

    Take care

    @thespiceman


      
  • crackercracker Posts: 285Member Pioneering
    Ouch, @spiceman. What a train of bad relationships you have been through.

    Yes, America used to be the leader and looked at as an exemplary free nation.
    We are now headed toward a dictatorship.

    I fear his re-election. Many see him for what he is, but he has a camp of almost religious followers (I am sadly reminded of Hitler) who think he is the best thing that ever happened to the US.

    Sorry to hear things are the same in the UK for the vulnerable of us in the society. You have set me to wondering if the same is true in other cultures, and  am guessing it is.

    Sending you all the best now.
  • DoriFishDoriFish Posts: 24Member Connected
    @cracker & @spiceman ;
    Thank you for sharing  :) 
    It's not a kind world we live in most of the time!

    Most people do not have the time to give us,
    And I feel our government would prefer that we did not exist as we are a burden to their financial interests
    Which adds to our feeling of isolation & rejection 

    Thankfully the are a few good souls still
    Take care all & sending virtual hugs to all the lonely people
  • thespicemanthespiceman Posts: 4,666Community champion Disability Gamechanger

    Hello @DoriFish ;  Thank you for your post.

    Please remember you not alone.  We are here as a community to help and give you support.

    As part of my role as Community Champion. Understand and have care, concern for those like myself.

    Please have a chat, talk to me anytime. Even if it is about the weather happy to listen.

    Winters back again talking of the weather. It is where I am.

    Please if I can advise be supportive you know where I am.

    Ready to listen.

    Take care your important a valued member of our community.

    @thespiceman

  • crackercracker Posts: 285Member Pioneering
    My feelings exactly.

    Welcome!
  • thespicemanthespiceman Posts: 4,666Community champion Disability Gamechanger

    Hello @cracker ; Good morning been a while how are you doing?

    Sending hand of friendship across the pond.

    Your friend

    @thespiceman

  • DoriFishDoriFish Posts: 24Member Connected
    Hi @spiceman and @cracker
    Thanks for your replies it's nice to know there are people out there that have time to chat, it's very welcome
    Sorry in advance if I go quiet at times I some time struggle & shut off till I feel better
    Going through a bit of a stressful time at the mo,
    But I'll get through it.
      Not sure on my Sanity at the end tho... LOL
    Take care my new friends x
  • Gwendoline1Gwendoline1 Posts: 199Member Pioneering
    Hiya DoriFish,
    I also find it helps to have a little chat at times. It makes me feel that I’m not the only one that’s in pain or maybe struggling with Ill health.
    You’ll also find there are a number of people similar to yourself who also need their shut off time too.
    Take care of yourself.😀😀😀
  • thespicemanthespiceman Posts: 4,666Community champion Disability Gamechanger

    Hello @DoriFish ; Thank you for reply. Please if you think you need some support or guidance with your health.

    It is important and we do understand. As a community.

    I know my own issues. Share and care on here a lot.

    Also may I suggest speak to your GP. If you need some additional support to deal with anything.

    I used to shut myself way, not speak to any one for days, weeks. Use this forum to help myself. Feel the opportunity to talk.

    Since joining few years ago now.

    I still see no one for days, weeks  You send a text to some one never responds. So use this. To help myself.

    Please can I add stress is a condition or illness that can be come harmful and manifest itself to be come a concern.

    Trust me as a valued member. Which you are.  Would just add speak to your GP.  They are there to heal and aid recovery but are a listening ear.

    From a gentleman of the community. Who knows. I am being supportive always. Those who struggle and strive.

    Take care of yourself. You know where we all are. Anytime.

    @thespiceman

  • bonnielassiebonnielassie Posts: 22Member Connected
    [email protected] and @thespiceman and
    @Gwendoline1
    I think you've all made some really interesting points. One of you said'people have no time'. Since I became disabled I have been amazed at the number of people who can't or won't give you the time they need. I remember struggling out of a department store with people tutting because I found the heavy door difficult to manage with my two crutches. I asked one lady who she was tutting at as it couldn't be me because I was being as quick as possible! I was polite but I got the point across! I probably held them up about 30 seconds. I battled my way into the seriously pouring rain and stood on the kerb waiting for a gap in the traffic. I can't hold an umbrella so rain is never pleasant for me! Anyway I had to wait for several minutes before a driver waved at me to cross. The other drivers had all clearly been in too much of a rush to let me cross while they say in their warm cars! Anyway I have been so lucky with friends. My psychologist told me I was in danger of becoming agoraphobic and I thought 'I've got enough to carry, I don't want that as well'. So, I started a book club. Luckily the people who joined were all really nice and the ones that weren't so nice left - I think because of their personal difficulties rather than mine. Anyway the people in my friendship group are amazing - they all understand that sometimes I have to cancel at short notice, they accept that my brain doesn't work very well sometimes and I make mistakes, they collect me and take me places in their car, one takes me to the cinema and understands that I can fall asleep at any time.  I think some of the above is because I don't expect too much of other people. I'm in charge of the book club and everyone respects that I'm in control. I laugh at myself as much as I laugh at others. Oh I'm starting to need to sleep - I'm starting to ramble on, so I'll just say thanks for listening and I hope I've given you some useful ideas. If not perhaps we could have another chat sometime and you could give me some ideas. Bye for now, and take care!
  • bonnielassiebonnielassie Posts: 22Member Connected
    @DoriFish. - hi sorry I missed your name off my somewhat lengthy comment. (It was that long you'll probably be glad I missed you off!!). No seriously it was a drop in my brain, I didn't mean to exclude you
  • Gwendoline1Gwendoline1 Posts: 199Member Pioneering
    Hiya bonnielassie, Lovely to meet you.
    Sadly I think people are in such a rush because of one thing or another that some don’t realise what they’ve done. 
    Sadly others just simply don’t care.
    Sounds like you have some true friends.
    I try not to take things to heart but unfortunately there are odd times when I have. My husband and children are brilliant and those odd times they get me through it. 
    It’s lovely to meet you.
    Take care 😀😀😀
  • thespicemanthespiceman Posts: 4,666Community champion Disability Gamechanger

    Hello @bonnielassie ;  Pleased to meet you.  Thank you for sharing.

    I know this one of the big issues being disabled no one has time for each other.

    I am a Christian and also from a time from long ago. From Planet Politeness.

    Understand everything you are saying.

    Every one is in a rush. No one ever says thank you any more.

    Please and thank you my favourite words like to hear.

    The only time is from our community never outside our community.

    Find those who are not part of us troubling. Have care and concern for every one.

    Yet if you do not as a person in my opinion feel the need to care and have concern. Is that not right. Is that a problem you creating for yourself.

    Being self centred and feel the need to use others to gain an advantage .

    For what reason.  Hate hurt, harm that people cause to others for their own personal satisfaction.

    I see every day on this forum. Pain, misery and heartbreak constantly.  Always have much time I can offer anytime.

    I think it is great you have created a place for people to come together be supportive.  This is what life should be helping hands be kind to each other.

    I send to you prayers and wish you well. 

    Take care.

    @thespiceman

     


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