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On the verge of suiciside

PaddiePaddie Posts: 70Member Courageous
I go under the name of Paddie but I'm a woman. I've just come out of hospital after a Bleed on the Brain.
Not as dramatic as it sounds but it has re enforced how my illlness affects my life. 
My life is no way near as it used to be. I held down a full time job, which I adored. I surfed/body boarded & always walked the SW coastal path. AND cycled the Camel Trail...
Them days have long gone & to be honest.
i just do not see the point in carrying on. 
Im not looking for pity..... just a quick way out..... PLEASE!
I need to know the best way to take my life & the quickest....
I truly pray, someone, somewhere can help me ASAP....


  • PaddiePaddie Posts: 70Member Courageous
    Help me please 
  • Dont_cry_for_meDont_cry_for_me Posts: 7Member Listener
    Paddie, are you still here?
    Talk to me please xx

  • Dont_cry_for_meDont_cry_for_me Posts: 7Member Listener
    Paddie, have you had these thoughts before?
    Are you suffering from depression?
    You really need to talk to someone.
    You can always go to A&E. Tell them how you are feeling and what you have been thinking of doing. They have a team that can help you.
    Please contact someone.

  • thespicemanthespiceman Posts: 5,290Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Paddie   So sorry to hear this. We have talked before.  I am very concerned. I know we talked about your previous health history. As a gentleman do not wish to discuss on the forum. All I can say.  Do and remember members like my self.  Please if you having thoughts of suicide.

    It is important that you discuss them with some one who is qualified to do so.

    Please call The Samaritans 116 123 free.

    If you feel that you may be an immediate danger to yourself. Please call 999 or go to your local hospital right away.

    Please I am so sorry . Please if you can use the above advice. I want you to be safe .

    Always here anytime.  As a friend I do have a lot of time for you.

    Speak to me.

  • Sam_ScopeSam_Scope Posts: 7,732Administrator Scope community team
    Hi @Paddie

    Are you safe? As @thespiceman says you can speak to the Samaritans, they are trained and experienced to support you.

    If you don't feel you can keep yourself safe right now, seek immediate help.

    • go to any hospital A&E department (sometimes known as the emergency department)
    • call 999 and ask for an ambulance if you can't get to A&E
    • ask someone else to contact 999 for you or take you to A&E immediately

    If you need some support right now, but don't want to go to A&E, here are some other options for you to try:

    You are a member of the community and we care about you. 
    Senior online community officer
  • Sam_ScopeSam_Scope Posts: 7,732Administrator Scope community team
    This blog My Blooming Brain is by a woman with an unruptured brain aneurysm and subarachnoid hemorrhage. I know it’s not the same as you but she’s a great writer and you might connect with some of what she says. 

    Senior online community officer
  • mossycowmossycow Posts: 486Community champion Pioneering
    You are going through greif too. Saying good ye to your old life and its awful. 

    @Paddie death is a bit too final I think.  Logically it would be better to seek help and see what's round the corner before doing something so permenant.

    I have felt so bad too, for similar reasons... Then POP something turns up on the tide. 

    Sound like you need support with mental health but really with finding your new life too. I was very active. . And have had to be like reborn into this new body (which drives me nuts... But.. There have been good things too) and now find out what life has outthere for you... 

    So @paddie, what was your job? Sounds like you're into coastal stuff too... Have to admit I find stuff at the coast hard so I turned attention in land as its easier to do stuff near rivers.

    Which coast do you live on? 

    "I'm trying to live like a random poem I read that ended 'to bloom where we are planted"

  • steve51steve51 Posts: 5,861Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Paddie

    Welcome to our online community/family!!!!!

     I am one off the “Community Champion’s “ 
    on here.

    Yes I can offer you both help/assistance!!!!

    I suffered a “ Brain 🧠 Injury” in 1998 at the age off 32.

    Mine was a “Bleed”

    Please please let me know if I can help/support you?????
  • steve51steve51 Posts: 5,861Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Paddie


    “Please Please talk to me straightaway”

    I’m Here 4 You “24/7”

    Can you please contact me today I’m here right now!!!!!!

  • PaddiePaddie Posts: 70Member Courageous
    Steve51. Spiceman...
    How can you help me, how can anyone help me?
    I spent most of the night in contact with my Priest.... he kept me going but it hasn't changed how I feel.
    Im just incredibly low & feel so worthless & a huge burden to all.
    I am truly touched by everyone's concern but I'm fighting a losing battle & getting nowhere... quick.
  • PaddiePaddie Posts: 70Member Courageous
    Weaver.. I don't know how to respond to you... not yet familiar with navigating this site?!?
  • Dont_cry_for_meDont_cry_for_me Posts: 7Member Listener
    Hi Paddie, I'm so pleased that you have kept yourself safe after you posted in the early hours.
    Talking to your Priest was good, as you've shared with someone how you are feeling.
    There is some very useful information above left by Sam. The contacts she has given are able to help you. You don't have to be alone in all this.
    As I only joined yesterday myself, I don't know what you are going through with your health, but I do know there is help out there.
    I also know what it feels like to want to take your own life.
    Please @Paddie, seek outside help. Don't sit alone with these thoughts. 
    Phone the Samaritans if your feeling low. They do their work because they want to help people,
    If you feel you can't keep yourself safe, take yourself to A&E at your local hospital. They have a special team to help you there.
    If you can't get to A&E department, ring 999 and ask for an ambulance.
    Your not wasting anyone's time. Your not being a nuisance. Your just asking for help.
    Please keep in touch with the forum here. People do care and worry. 
    Talk in the forum also if it helps you. I'm sure there will always be someone here to listen.
    Kind regards, someone who cares and understands x
  • steve51steve51 Posts: 5,861Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Paddie

    “Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes”

    “I Can & I Will Help You”

    “Please Please Please”

    Talk to Me “ASAP”

    I am here All Evening for you!!!!!!!!
  • PaddiePaddie Posts: 70Member Courageous
    Weaver thank you x
  • PaddiePaddie Posts: 70Member Courageous
    Steve51 how can you help me.... I'm hiding all this from my family. So I can't ring & talk to anyone.. it's assumed I'm low as I've just come out for hospital & so I put a smile on my face & somehow go into autopilot & carry on!
    im not alone but I'm EXTREMELY lonely.
    Hanging on, is hard.....
  • steve51steve51 Posts: 5,861Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Paddie

    We Can start chatting on here 2 start with then we can see how that goes then we can do what ever you are happy 😃 with. Please please let me know how you feel?????
  • Ami2301Ami2301 Posts: 5,771Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Paddie I am truly sorry for how you are feeling.

    I just left rehab/hospital last week after being there for almost 9 months. I am really struggling to adapt. I feel lost, frustrated and feel completely useless. 

    All my life, all I ever wanted was to be independent, I worked so hard to get to a place where I was happy inside and out, but most importantly, I was independent. Then I became critically ill and I lost everything I worked for.

    It is incredibly difficult to come to terms with a drastic change like this. 

    The world is your oyster, there are millions of things to try, albeit you might not do it the same as someone else, but at least you can do it.
    You're a fighter. Look at everything you've overcome. Don't give up now!
  • thespicemanthespiceman Posts: 5,290Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    edited December 2018
    Hello @Paddie Thank you first contacting SCOPE.  I am glad to talk to you.

    Sorry what has happening right now. All the community understands.

    We really do, I do every one does. We are here to offer any support you need.  I know you have been talking to your priest.

    You need if it is possible to speak to him and ask him for any help.  Whether that means taking you to get the treatment from the hospital.  You need some one to make sure that you not in danger or harm to yourself.

    I know we have spoken before and I am truly sorry what has happened. I am a Christian myself and have to say. Always in my prayers.

    I wondered where you were. I have not seen you on the forum for a long time.

    I want to and do have to tell you have had these thoughts you are having right now. Myself all around my previous health history. That we discussed before.

    I know this is hard, difficult. I kept my illness secret only told my close friends the issues. I had. Also my own family do not know anything.

    Besides they do not need to know. All we asking the need to talk to some one. I did and have to share this. Need to do this.

    Went to the hospital and told the staff there. I know you are scared, frightened in pain and not knowing what to do.  You can do this.  You have done nothing wrong.

    Please talk to me. I know we talked to each other what is happening to you. How can I help and support a friend.

    Remember I am lonely like you are. I want my friend to be OK  . How can I guide you , offer you a shoulder . Ready to listen.

    Please contact me soon.  Take care always in my prayers.

  • steve51steve51 Posts: 5,861Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Ami2301

    It’s great to speak to you this evening!!!!!!

    Yes things disappear over night but we need to make the best of what is left!!!!

    In 1998 my life changed on the 1st  day off a family holiday in “Spain”

    I told my son who was 2 at the time that we would go to the football stadium in “Barcelona”  

    Let’s just say we went to “Barcelona” but the “Hospital”

    We chose a hotel with a trainline at the back.

    The trains apparently went straight to the hospital.

    My “Holiday Insurance” 
    came in very good (£’s) not (thousands)

  • PaddiePaddie Posts: 70Member Courageous
    I don't know how to reply to individuals... how do I do this please?
  • thespicemanthespiceman Posts: 5,290Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Paddie Good to hear from you. How are you ?

    How can I be a friend , need to ask. Please talk to me. I am here to understand, be supportive and a friend.

    Please I hope we can chat soon. Sometimes just by talking does help.

    We can find answers to your problems. A problem shared is a problem halved.

    I know the community cares, I care.

    Any problems contacting any one put as @before the user name.

    Also have a look at the community guide  that helps eases your mind..

    Please when your ready am here to listen.

    Your friend

  • PaddiePaddie Posts: 70Member Courageous
    Thank you for your support.
    when I was in hospital there were a few other pt's I got to know well.
    we would chat a lot & became a little " community" talked about everything & nothing.
    i realised then just how much their friendship helps.
    Talking is so important as, is friendship!
    Back home reaffirmed my loneliness.
    I need ( as we all do) a friend (s)!
    I was a Nurse in a previous life.
    I worked on an extremely busy inner city Male Trauma & Orthopeadic Unit ( think I've spelt that wrong) and I loved every single minute of it.... going from being so busy & having to communicate to so many.... to now...nothing, is just awful & yes, I'm sure I am depressed.
    But no amount of medication can replace my "want" to work & have friends again!
    I know, due to my physical illness, I could never work again or even commit to Voluntary work & the reality of that is cruel.
    I also realised, you don't have to be alone to feel lonely.
    I applied to Age Concern, to become a "Befriender" but actually it's ME that needs a friend!!
    I sometimes "self medicate" ( I'm not referring to Alcohol) so I can just knock myself out to sleep through the long lonely days.
    I fear there is no hope for me & it's a terrible way to feel.
    Hope your "coping" ok?
    its good to be in touch again.
    fond regards 
  • thespicemanthespiceman Posts: 5,290Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Paddie  Thank you for sharing and pleased to talk to you again. The main thing is I wish to say is you need reassurance.

    I understand the disability, illness and problems. I thank you for sharing with me.

    I believe you have many skills, talents, qualities that can and would be useful. It is finding what is right for you.

    I think what is important right now is to find what you need to support yourself. What is needed for you to maintain your wellbeing.

    Sometimes we need to sit down have these thoughts in our head. They go around in our minds.  Effecting everything.

    Start to have negative thoughts and think right now cannot move forward.  Look back to when I was working, the opportunities and everything else

    What helps me is finding answers and solutions.  Finding doing small steps, simple pleasures and finding what you like to do. Make something enjoyable.

    Does not have to be complicated or hard or difficult

    Got radio on now afternoon. TV off listening to radio pleasurable. Classic FM.

    One of the tools I use is to write down everything you would like to do. Goals, aims and anything you like. You might not do these all. Yet what could you do. Start off small.  

    Have a diary put in it one thing each day you would like to achieve that day. Might not do it that day but another day. Start off small.

    On a morning start the day with radio no news or tiresome stories.  Have uplifting music.

    Coping methods is educating your self to try new things.

    In your mind. You say can not do work or volunteering. Well volunteering very much is a vast subject, themes. Many organisations.  I come on here volunteer here.

    Helping the community. Just couple hours or more a week.

    Understand about work , have a two page CV and more. I am sure many of the community members have the same.  Maybe more.

    I have qualifications experience, proud of. So should you all that you have done. Amazing.

    Maybe change direction, look at something else

    So used need my talents, skills adapted them looked at other ways to most importantly find ways to improve my mental wellbeing.

    That is the role of the support workers to give you some impetus to move forward.

    I hope I have given you some inspiration.

    Apologise long post just a friend saying you can move forward.

    I can be supportive. You can do this.  You are not alone ever.

    Please ask if you need anything I can help with. Organisations or additional support.

    Take care

    your friend



  • steve51steve51 Posts: 5,861Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Paddie

    Good Afternoon how are you doing today????

    Yes I worked in a nhs rehab centre for over 10yrs after my “Stroke”

    I loved every minute/day!!!!

    I was loved by all of the staff & patients.

    Following my last admission to hospital I desperately tried to go back but it was too much.

    I even tried volunteering but even that was two much.

    Please please let me know if I can help/support you further??????

  • PaddiePaddie Posts: 70Member Courageous
    Thank you for all your advice. 
    However., I just feel numb & this time of year is particularly difficult for me ( & many others too) My M's anniversary of passing has just gone & my precious sister, Margaret's anniversary of passing is coming up.. Christmas Eve.
    I can't accept they have gone & find myself wanting to join them...
    sorry... Paddie
  • PaddiePaddie Posts: 70Member Courageous
    Sorry should have read My Mum's"
  • PaddiePaddie Posts: 70Member Courageous
    Thank you also for your support but Im tired Steve.
    ive tried everything I can to possibly help myself.
    The Samaritans maybe a blessing for many but not me. 
    I've had horrific experiences with them years ago..... never again.
    Everything just seems so very Black... 
  • steve51steve51 Posts: 5,861Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Paddie

    Are you ok with replying to other’s posts?????

    We can all become your “new family” 

    I am here all of the time so you can always contact me if required???

    Please please let me know how you feel???
  • PaddiePaddie Posts: 70Member Courageous
    not sure what you mean re replying to other posts?!?!
    is there another way of contacting people?
    I am unsure re using this site, navigation wise..... 
  • steve51steve51 Posts: 5,861Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Paddie

    I’m so sorry to hear that you have had such a bad time with everyone else to date!!!!

    I promise I won’t be like that at all.

    How can I prove this??????

    I have never walked away from anything in my life.

    I certainly don’t want to do that with you !!!!!!!!!!
  • PaddiePaddie Posts: 70Member Courageous
    @steve51 was only the Samaritans & that was many, many years ago.
  • steve51steve51 Posts: 5,861Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Paddie


    Can I please try to help/support you???

    I promise you won’t “Be Let Down”
  • thespicemanthespiceman Posts: 5,290Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Paddie glad to hear from you. Sorry to hear about everything with your family.

    Talking about loved ones passing never easy ever to deal with and difficult to get through the day.. I can imagine the pain is unbearable, the grief. How if you instead of The Samaritans contact CRUSE.

    This might help. It is a bereavement organisation for those losing loved ones.  Some one to talk to.


    helpline 0808 808 1677 Monday to Friday 9.30am to 5pm.

    Do you think that might help.

    Please I am here if you need to chat.  

  • Ami2301Ami2301 Posts: 5,771Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    On the right hand side of the page, there will be your profile picture, underneath that are 4 icons, if you click on the 2nd icon it will open up your inbox and enable you to privately message other users. Hope this helps
    You're a fighter. Look at everything you've overcome. Don't give up now!
  • Pippa_ScopePippa_Scope Posts: 5,856Member Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Paddie, how are you today?

    I'm so sorry to hear that things are tough right now, but I'm so glad to see you have the support of our wonderful community members. We're all here and we're listening, so do keep us updated and let us know how you're doing. 

    You may also find our community guide useful in helping you get to grips with the community. I hope today is as kind as possible to you!
  • PaddiePaddie Posts: 70Member Courageous
    THank you for your support. It means so much.
    Got a Hospital appointment this pm which I'm dreading but at least it'll get me out of the house which is good for me!
    im trying so hard to hold on but it's ( as for so many) extremely difficult..... but I'm still here, so that's a positive!
    I would love if the "Scope"community was local & we could all get together for a cuppa & chat......
  • thespicemanthespiceman Posts: 5,290Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Paddie   How are you today?  Hope today will be better. See you have hospital appointment.

    Wish every success with that. One thing I wish to say. Sound more positive. One thing have look on line see what support groups in your area.

    I never wished to ask a lady her age but AGE UK is something to consider.  Have details what do you think.?

    AGE UK Helpline 0800 055 6112.


    Have very informative website I think the minimum age is Sixty for any services. I applied for information and some support but got told need to be Sixty my area but some areas now accepting community members mid fifties.

    Also the Silver line https://wwwsilverline.org.uk.

    0800  4 70 80 90 set up by Esther Ranzen for those of a certain age I think it Seventy minimum age please could you find out. Might be useful. I asked for myself. Got told too young am early fifties.

    Get a weekly phone call from a befriender. Who you can chat to. Those who are lonely.  Just a idea.

    Find out if you can anything your local SCOPE office might advise.  Could be a local support group near to you.

    Have a look on line and put in SCOPE then your nearest town.

    Understand it is what you wish to do.  I am just being a friend and supportive.

    Wish you well.

    Take care.


  • steve51steve51 Posts: 5,861Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Paddie

    Have you been to the hospital as yet/how did things go????

    Please please let me help you with things (Support & Advice) 

    I promise not to let you Down!!!!!!!!

    Yes that would be lovely to get together if possible ?????

    Where do you live????

    I would love to arrange things if needed?????

    I used to be a manager in my “Old Life”

    Well they would not like (Mark 2)

    I would definitely {Kick some ****}

    Please please let me know if we can meet at some point?????????
  • PaddiePaddie Posts: 70Member Courageous
    Thank you for all your advice.... yeah, Im in my early fifties too.. 
    Hospital appointment bit "iffy" got to go back Wednesday for more tests... really worried as its my Eyes that are the issue!
    Managed to "pop" into church today & light quite a few Candles.... such a lovely,  peaceful feeling...
    Its a long way from where I live but I've always found it special...
    Hope things are going ok with you?
    fond regards 
  • PaddiePaddie Posts: 70Member Courageous
    THanks for  your message.... where about some do you live?
    Hospital Appointment was a bit scary.... got to go back again I need Wednesday for further Eye Tests....
    ..absolutely terrified to be honest.....

  • steve51steve51 Posts: 5,861Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Paddie

    That’s my Pleasure 😇 

    I live in the “West Midlands”

    Where do you live????

    Yes I have also had lots of problems with my eyes 👀 

    Don’t worry about things!!!!!!!

    Please please let me know if I can help you further?????
  • PaddiePaddie Posts: 70Member Courageous
    small world... I used to live in the West Midlands.... I now live over 300 miles away!!!
    I can't  imagine meeting up for a cuppa at that distance......
  • steve51steve51 Posts: 5,861Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Paddie 

    “O” that’s a shame where in the W\M’s did you live I’m in Birmingham.

    Don’t worry will have to do it on here somehow!!!!!

    leave it with me!!!!!!
  • thespicemanthespiceman Posts: 5,290Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Paddie Good morning how are you?. Thanks for reply. Understand thank you for sharing.  

    Thanks for asking about me. I am just doing fine.

    One thing is that you went to church lighting a candle.  I use my bible to guide and support me. The words often very poignant.

    You mentioned the priest maybe looking at the services they might offer.  Lots of the aspects of the Church have social links.

    Also organisations like the Salvation Army  have offer support services.  There might be a local branch to you.

    I know you are concerned about your hospital appointment. I am sure that will be fine to give you some reassurance.

    Keep in touch.

    Take care.


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