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In a relationship and not happy.

TheArrowTheArrow Posts: 20Member Whisperer
Ive been in a relationship for about 3 months now and I feel like it’s getting nowhere. It feels like I’m just friends with this other person and we don’t do anything like hug, kiss, hold hands.

i feel like walking but I’d feel guilty for leaving her. What do I do? I’ve tried talking about this to her and I get no where.

i have enough problems of my own without having to bare all of her problems on my shoulders too...

Replies

  • PSHEexpertPSHEexpert Posts: 159Member, Community advisor Chatterbox
    Good morning, and I am sorry to hear you're feeling like that - it sounds very disheartening and it is disappointing when things don't go as well as you hoped.  
     I think it's reasonable to say that typically, a new relationship is a happy and exciting time; it's when things are most likely to be a bit more romantic, etc.  It sounds like perhaps you're not very romantically compatible? When you say that you've had conversations but it hasn't really gone anywhere, do you feel that she's just very nervous and not quite ready yet, or that she's not interested in the romantic side of things and it's just not on the cards?  It might be that she'd also be more comfortable just being friends.   I do think it's reasonable to be upfront about what you're hoping for/expecting, including romance/intimacy.  In my professional experience the vast majority of partner relationships have that expectation, even if it might be a very gradual process.  However, if the expectation from one party is that it will never happen, that needs to be talked about early on, I think.  Some people are asexual but still want to be in a relationship, but that needs to be out in the open as it can be very difficult for both people if the other partner wants to be sexually or physically intimate.  Changing the dynamic of a relationship at three months is much easier than at 6 months, or a year down the line.  The other thing is that it really sounds like you aren't very happy; if you do feel like ending it romantically then you really do need to listen to what your instincts are telling you.  It's not your responsibility to shoulder all her problems single-handedly.
    - Gill 
  • Sam_ScopeSam_Scope Posts: 6,914Administrator Scope community team
    Im sorry to hear you are having a tough time @TheArrow
    How are you getting on?
    Scope
    Senior online community officer
  • TheArrowTheArrow Posts: 20Member Whisperer
    Feeling like my heart is in two minds.
  • Pippa_ScopePippa_Scope Posts: 5,740Administrator Scope community team
    I'm sorry to hear that, @TheArrow. You've had some great advice above, have you thought any more about what you're going to do?
  • TheArrowTheArrow Posts: 20Member Whisperer
    I wouldn’t know the nicest way to break up with her. I was really happy in the previous relationship but that went
  • Pippa_ScopePippa_Scope Posts: 5,740Administrator Scope community team
    Do feel free keep in touch and let us know how you get on, @TheArrow. You're always welcome here on the community, and we'll advise where we can.
  • TheArrowTheArrow Posts: 20Member Whisperer
    It’s okay, we broke up now.
  • g7iqjg7iqj Posts: 18Member Whisperer
    Hello the arrow . ive had simular situation but diffrent to you . iam 54 girlfriend 58 divorcee.  we been togher 3 yrs . our problems started from my  point of view   6 mouths ago , when we went to my girlfriends only sons  wedding in  june last year. it was the first time i meet her ex husdand .  boy what diffrence to me he just retired 65  personality total oposite to me  sales man  charmer jack the lad type 65 acts more like 40s/ 50s . iam down to earth practical  yes bit pipe slippers man  the first sign trouble seem to hit it off again put that down to all emotional off wedding , after they were texting lot .  it came to head @ xmas  i was @ hers 7 dec just usual week end  i dont live ther full time but stayed most weekends . we put xmas decrations up did xmas shopping  planned xmas  on xmas day my parents come over xmas dinner etc we have quite xmas/ new year togher   then on 14 dec that weekend  she was giong meet up with her son have meal week end togher  family thing . i then get phone call 20 dec to say xmas plans been change 1 other guest for xmas  she had invited her ex husband to stay over xmas period .  the excuse, because it was her sons first year marraige  he wife wanted be there house on there own .  because her ex just moved into new flat  sep  54 mouthsearlier  he did not have COOKER YET   he could not cook  xmas dinner felt sorry for him   joke most pubs offer xmas lunch/ boxing day . out come i said i did not want spend xmas  with stranger/ex husband  3 some so i spent xmas new year with my family friends .  on sat 5th jan went to see her poss stay weekend as usual sort things out ended up 1 big row argunment . now saying after 3 years  that wee have nothing in common want diffrent things from life  she new this within first 18 mouths we togher  she just went alone with it . her ex husband  just good freinds  never get back togher  although we both LEO birthsigns we totall opposities .  if thats case why he left spare change clothes personal effects @ her bungalow.  he must thinck he going back some time future just common sense .  although we are still freinds  still call over now again have coffe chat do odd jobs she cant do . we left it as that have few weeks/ mouth so break both us time to thinck were we go from here cant we sort diffrences out .    i was late starter with women  put my time in to my career early 30s b4 started dating . this 2nd time  long term realtionship  ended this way last one 6 years  same excuse  nothing in common . what ive learnt if you date divorcee  who walked away from marraige there ex husband  is total opposite of you  do u really have chance, future  if they like attracted to total opposities ???. like you @ 55 nearly  my health mobility over last 5 years degenarated  lwr back disc problem  walking more 20 meteres  without sitting problem, standing in ques up 5 min  causes lot pain back.  i thinck give my self some loyalty  rethinck were my life go from here if we dont get back togher  meeting single ladies 1 thing  meeting single ladies with the same outlook on life want the same things as you now thats very hard . seems last 20years the best  part my life health wise put into realtionships got no were .  what PHSE EXPERT THINCK ADVICE .   BECAUSE i thinck her ex husband whos now retired, single divorced for 2nd time  always  be there in back ground  lurking all she says they go back over 30 yrs + b4 there were married   have lot roots togher .
  • TheArrowTheArrow Posts: 20Member Whisperer
    Sorry to hear that, relationships are a funny thing and can’t always put your trust in the wrong person. Just avoid the women with ties to their Ex’s.
  • mossycowmossycow Posts: 436Member, Community champion Chatterbox
    Hi @g7iqj and @TheArrow,

    Crikey, so sorry you've been through the mill. I agree that relationships can be such unpredictable, frustrating and upsetting things. 

    Don't be put off xx and do hold close the fact that you are gorgeous people that just haven't found the right person yet. 

    How's it going? 

    "I'm trying to live like a random poem I read that ended 'to bloom where we are planted"

  • PSHEexpertPSHEexpert Posts: 159Member, Community advisor Chatterbox
    Hi @g7iqj - man alive that sounds like a dreadful situation.  I'm so sorry to hear what has happened - it is so frustrating and disappointing - and painful - to invest yourself and your feelings into a relationship, to have it end like that.  I do agree that sometimes people change, their situations change, their circumstances change and it can feel like you don't have anything in common any more. I have experienced that myself, where to begin with it felt like we'd got lots that we both enjoyed doing together and lots to talk about etc but we slowly drifted apart over the years and our needs and wishes sort of changed.  It doesn't necessarily mean it's anyone's fault... 

    HOWEVER.  This situation over Christmas with your partner's ex husband etc - that is a different, and difficult, one.  Sometimes, people can really feel like they're over a relationship (specially if it's a long one, like your partner and her ex husband) but realise later down the line that they're not. I think you are probably right that her ex will always be in the background somewhere; especially because they have that tie with their son it sounds like that would always be the case, too. That doesn't make it any easier for you and clearly this is very hurtful.  I am sorry you're in that position and wouldn't wish it on anyone.  

    Your point about loyalty to yourself is a really powerful one and it can be hard to hang onto that when you've had such a horrible experience, but it's very important.  You do deserve to be happy and to be with someone who respects you and returns your love and effort to build and nurture your relationship.  This sort of stuff can really knock you about, but you're absolutely right about refocusing and putting yourself first.  

    I don't know if I've read this bit right, so forgive me if I haven't, but near the end of your post you talk about 20 years of getting nowhere relationships wise.  Right now you're getting your head round the ending of this one and all the emotions that go with it, but one thing I can say is that any time spent in a relationship isn't necessarily wasted, even if it wasn't a particularly positive one.   I know that probably sounds a bit airy-fairy and possibly unwelcome, but it's advice I've taken myself in the past.  It could help - when you've got a bit of distance - to try and think about past relationships as situations where you have had good times and bad times (and sometimes horrendous times) but have also learned about how other people can behave in relationships, and in turn what you might want and need from them.  I know that will probably be little comfort at the moment when your love, care and efforts have been rejected, but it could be supportive when you're ready to move on to something/someone new -  really keep that focus on yourself.  What do you need, what can you offer, what do you absolutely know you cannot put up with.  

    I wish you all the very best of luck and hope you are taking care of yourself. 

    - Gill 
  • TheArrowTheArrow Posts: 20Member Whisperer
    @mossycow I’m holding up so far, probably on the borderline of giving up on love at the moment.
  • PSHEexpertPSHEexpert Posts: 159Member, Community advisor Chatterbox
    @TheArrow  Hello - I wanted to post to you separately earlier and didn't get chance as I've been at work all day.  I just wanted to send you my best wishes - I know how hard it can be to make a decision when a relationship hasn't been going well.  I hope you're doing alright and taking care of yourself too.
    - Gill 
  • TheArrowTheArrow Posts: 20Member Whisperer
    I’m trying to, I’m going to give my previous ex another go. (One that made me happy, the only love of my life.)

    Failing that I’ll give up all together.
  • TheArrowTheArrow Posts: 20Member Whisperer
    Update: that failed completely so I’ll just give up.
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