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Married and unhappy

pollypadmorepollypadmore Posts: 2Member Listener
I've been married 15 years  just had to retire due to ill health. Money is not a problem but my husband who is younger than me works long hours and I feel he resent me for not having to work. I have good pensions so we are not in hardship . We just argue all the time . Part of my condition  is chronic depression . When I feel ok he seems to pick on me until I feel low again    I know he is part of the problem but I dont have the energy to start again at my age   he wont go to counselling so dont suggest that as an answer.  Normally I would be out and about  but I am so unwell now I rarely leave the house alone or find the motivation too. I still do the housework and cooking . I shop on line  he does do a bit more since I've been unwell but not significantly so and that's not the problem . There is little intimacy which was his choice   I feel rejected and life has no meaning any more.  I think my job kept me sane but I am too unwell  to return to work. Some days I am ok but I never k now from day to day   

Replies

  • Kate_ScopeKate_Scope Posts: 74Navigate Pioneering
    Hi @pollypadmore i am really sorry that you are going through this at present. It really cannot be easy to manage all of the things going on for you at the moment.

    You said he wouldn't go to any form of counselling and while that is a shame i am sure that Mind the mental health charity can help you. 

    Within you local Mind they probably have well being groups, these groups are wonderful for peer to peer support for people going through depression or any form of mental ill health. 

    They often do courses in dealing with depression where you can work on self help skills, or they offer community groups, these are in the form of Art groups, Women's groups, Allotment groups etc obviously depending on where you live, it does depend on what the local Mind offer. 

    As these groups are based within Mind if you are having a bad day and don't want to attend, that's  OK- i just wondered if it would help you get more of an interest, a bit more routine and of course meeting other people in the same situation as you. 

    Look on your local Minds page and see if there is anything that they can do. 

    Good luck 


    Kate 


  • Antonia_ScopeAntonia_Scope Posts: 1,783Member Pioneering
    Hi @pollypadmore welcome to the community. How are you doing today?

    I am sorry to hear this, have you tried talking to him about how he makes you feel? @Kate_Scope has offered some great advice, would this be something you would be interested in?
    You may also be interested in contacting relate - where you can receive support and talk to someone and contacting your GP for emotional support, where they can offer other ways of support.

    I'll tag in our Sex and Relationships expert @PSHEexpert who may have some suggestions also.

    We are here for you, so please keep us updated. :)
  • woodbinewoodbine Posts: 97Member Pioneering
    OP have you considered some volunteering which you could do as and when you felt able?, it would give you an interest outside the home and an opportunity to make new friends.
  • RoddyRoddy Posts: 322Member Pioneering
    I've been married 15 years  just had to retire due to ill health. Money is not a problem but my husband who is younger than me works long hours and I feel he resent me for not having to work. I have good pensions so we are not in hardship . We just argue all the time . Part of my condition  is chronic depression . When I feel ok he seems to pick on me until I feel low again    I know he is part of the problem but I dont have the energy to start again at my age   he wont go to counselling so dont suggest that as an answer.  Normally I would be out and about  but I am so unwell now I rarely leave the house alone or find the motivation too. I still do the housework and cooking . I shop on line  he does do a bit more since I've been unwell but not significantly so and that's not the problem . There is little intimacy which was his choice   I feel rejected and life has no meaning any more.  I think my job kept me sane but I am too unwell  to return to work. Some days I am ok but I never k now from day to day   

    Hi @[email protected] ;

    I know that it's easy for me to say this, but please try rise over above this and don't let everything 'seem' problematic. Take each individual 'problem' separately and try to address each one on its own... Sometimes, we are left to simply 'guess' why or what is causing a relationship to become stressful, and our guesses can often be wrong.

    One of the most vital things in all relationships is good levels of communication. There may be something in particular that Your Husband is worrying about and perhaps he has difficulty in speaking to you about it and/or is worried that it will cause more stress... My personal advice would be to talk to him, whilst also explaining exactly how you feel right now. Unless he knows, or unless you know, neither of you can truly be aware about how each of you feel about your marriage, or be blamed if it spirals out of control.    
  • PSHEexpertPSHEexpert Posts: 168Volunteer community adviser Pioneering
    Good morning @pollypadmore - I am so sorry to hear you are having such a rough time.  There is some great advice in this thread, and I would also just give another recommendation for Relate, as you don't have to both attend or engage with sessions, but they can give some support to you individually (and, if I remember rightly, this could be online too).

    I was wondering whether you had had any space and time to talk about your retirement with anyone?  It's a big life change, especially when it's related to health, and as you say it can sometimes feel like a mixed bag if your work was somewhere that kept you sane (as you say).    The other thing is, as @Roddy says, there could be an underlying issue for your husband and perhaps he isn't saying anything about it, or trying to manage it on his own.   It is really hard, but perhaps having a chat through with someone at Relate and then raising it with him might open the conversation to try and ease things a bit?
    - Gill 
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