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Trigger Self harm and ending Life thoughts

Where to start as I'm feeling so overwhelmed ...
My partner of 4 yrs told me that he wanted to end our relationship and to get out of his house ...
I have no family or friends so he and our cats are my whole life.

I have borderline personality disorder dependancy, ptsd, and other issues,
I don't know what to do ?? thoughts of self-harm and ending everything!
He also has mental health problems.
He has also been out of hospital after a bye-pass operation which he blames me for. 


Replies

  • April2018momApril2018mom Member - under moderation Posts: 2,882 Member - under moderation
    edited August 2019
    Welcome to the community!
    You can find more information on mental health here at https://www.nhs.uk/using-the-nhs/nhs-services/mental-health-services/
    Are you seeing a counseller or therapist? Ask for a referral to mental health services. What medication are you taking? 
  • Adrian_ScopeAdrian_Scope Administrator Posts: 7,555 Scope community team
    Hello @filly, I'm so sorry your relationship is having difficulties at the moment. It sounds like you're both under a lot of pressure. Has he been out of hospital very long?

    Can I ask where you're staying right now and does he own the house?

    Please remember you're not alone and we're here to support you. But if you are having thoughts of self-harm or suicide it's really important you speak to someone who's trained and equipped to help you. Have you thought about giving Samaritans a call (116 123) or emailing them ([email protected])?
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  • fillyfilly Member Posts: 32 Connected
    Yes, he owns the house. He's been out of the hospital about a week.
    I thought about the samaritans but they don't give any solutions ....

     
  • fillyfilly Member Posts: 32 Connected
    I'm just keeping out of his way, by being in the bedroom
  • fillyfilly Member Posts: 32 Connected
    Trying to get through the day .
    I have the cats with me upstairs ,they are trying to help me calm down

  • Adrian_ScopeAdrian_Scope Administrator Posts: 7,555 Scope community team
    edited August 2019
    Hi @filly. It seems like your most immediate concern is somewhere to stay. I’ve had a look at Shelter and you can find out how to give them a call here - https://england.shelter.org.uk/get_help/helpline
    Alternatively, you could call our helpline (open until 8pm) on 0808 800 3333
    Obviously with him only having been out of hospital a week, I imagine there’s a bit of tension in the house anyway. Is it possible he’ll calm down and be open to discussion at all?
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  • fillyfilly Member Posts: 32 Connected
    He will possibly calm down .
    I am keeping out of the way, by been upstairs. There is a lot of tension in the house, but keeping out of his way. Is giving him space ??
  • Adrian_ScopeAdrian_Scope Administrator Posts: 7,555 Scope community team
    Hi @filly, how are you doing this morning? Have you managed to talk to him and sort out a plan? 
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  • fillyfilly Member Posts: 32 Connected
    I thought things were okish calming down ...
    Sadly he told me he doesn't want or love me just want me out of his life and home! 
    I am so frightened and scared ...
    I'm also scared of what I might do the urge to self-harm is looming ...
    Trying so hard to calm down 
  • Ami2301Ami2301 Community champion Posts: 6,839 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @filly I am really sorry to hear this. I may not know what to say or the advice to give you but I will listen to you. If you want to talk then we are here :)
    Community Champion
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • fillyfilly Member Posts: 32 Connected
    Really struggling ...
    dreading everything. My mind won't stop racing panic mode
    I've been through hell in my life and I don't think  I could even start over my life for this last 4 yrs has been him.I am totally dependant on him for everything
  • April2018momApril2018mom Member - under moderation Posts: 2,882 Member - under moderation
    Please leave. You need to contact a divorce lawyer pronto. Ask the lawyer about divorce and sort out a plan for leaving him. Pack your bags and quietly and quickly leave without warning. 
  • fillyfilly Member Posts: 32 Connected
    I'm not married to him!
    Where do I go, no money and my cats are the only things thats stopping me taking my life at the moment.
    I don't have any friends or family
  • April2018momApril2018mom Member - under moderation Posts: 2,882 Member - under moderation
    Please visit this page for more information https://www.nhs.uk/using-the-nhs/nhs-services/mental-health-services/how-to-access-mental-health-services/
    Talk to your GP. Ask him about accessing mental health services. He/she will evaluate your circumstances and come up with a plan of action. Are you seeing a therapist or counseller or not? 
    Also have you called a domestic violence shelter for help? There are resources out there. Google them first to see what assistance and help can be given. Best of wishes!
    Do you have a job? 
  • woodbinewoodbine Member Posts: 1,423 Disability Gamechanger
    Could it be that his recent heart surgery is affecting his judgement? I had open heart surgery 3 years ago a week after I buried my mum and my head was all over the place for ages afterwards. Luckily my OH was as ever my rock and i'm sorry for what you are going through
  • Ami2301Ami2301 Community champion Posts: 6,839 Disability Gamechanger
    It is daunting to think of the future, the unknown. I know it's easier said than done but try to focus on the here and now. I agree with @woodbine staying in hospital for any period of time can cause distress, I stayed in hospital for 9 months and it's an ongoing battle coping with the after effects and flashbacks.

    Maybe your partner is feeling overwhelmed from it all, the surgery and mental health problems. Not an easy combination to conquer. Was your partner like this before his surgery?
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  • fillyfilly Member Posts: 32 Connected
    He had his moments, but nothing like this!
    Most of the time was good between us.
    No, I don't have a job. I have panic attacks, nearly impossible leaving the house without him,. if I need to leave the house he or his mum takes me.  I'm totally dependant on him.
  • Ami2301Ami2301 Community champion Posts: 6,839 Disability Gamechanger
    Have you spoken to his mum to see what she thinks?
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  • fillyfilly Member Posts: 32 Connected
    Yes
    I have spoken to his mum. Keep out of his way , maybe he will calm down ???
    If not what are you going to do ? 
    She is taking him to A+E when he gets up ,as he's in so much pain . I am also worried about him ....
  • Ami2301Ami2301 Community champion Posts: 6,839 Disability Gamechanger
    Pain can do many things to our bodies, as I'm sure you're already aware. I'm glad hes going to be checked over, hope they can give him something to ease the pain. 
    Community Champion
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • thespicemanthespiceman Member Posts: 6,408 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @filly   Sorry to hear what you are going through.

    I am one of the team of community champions.  We guide, advise and help members of our community.

    Please if I can suggest have the contact details for Women's Aid.

    Helpline 0808 2000 247 

    https://www.womensaid.org.uk.

    This might help you.

    If you having domestic problems and need to find some help and support.

    I am sure if you contact the following may be able to help you.

    https://www.salvationarmy.org.uk.

    Helpline 020 7367 4500.

    https://www.redcross.org.uk.

    Useful in a crisis .

    You mentioned your mental health issues. Please consider the following mental health charity.

    https://www.richmondfellowship.org.uk.

    Can help with any support with your mental health.  Get floating support or an outreach worker. 

    Help and guidance with your mental health.

    Please if we can help with anything please get in touch.

    Please keep safe and take care.

    @thespiceman




    Community Champion
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  • david235david235 Member Posts: 170 Pioneering
    Please talk to the homelessness team at your local council @filly , or get someone trusted to do this on your behalf. You may well be unintentionally homeless if you do have to leave your partner's house, in which case the council has a duty to house you. Homelessness teams usually prefer to hear from people who know they are at risk of homelessness, so they can start to work with you before homelessness occurs.

    Sadly, in most areas, the demands on available housing and the number of homeless people means that you will probably only be offered temporary accommodation initially. If you have a social worker or other trusted person who can work with the council, you might get additional priority for more permanent housing on health grounds - but even then there might be long waits.


    I hope you can find the help you need. I send my best wishes - people here are rooting for you and are here for you.
  • fillyfilly Member Posts: 32 Connected
    Thank you to everyone yesterday he was reamitted to hospital for internal bleeding . He is to be operated on this morning. So it was the pain.
  • Ami2301Ami2301 Community champion Posts: 6,839 Disability Gamechanger
    Sorry to hear this but glad to hear they're acting upon it. How are you feeling this morning?
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  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Administrator Posts: 10,652 Scope community team
    Good morning @filly, I don't believe we have 'met' yet, so hello!

    I'm sorry to hear about your current situation, but thank you for sharing this with us. I hope the operation goes well this morning, are you doing okay? I appreciate this is a lot to take in.
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  • david235david235 Member Posts: 170 Pioneering
    filly said:
    Thank you to everyone yesterday he was reamitted to hospital for internal bleeding . He is to be operated on this morning. So it was the pain.
    Sending love and best wishes to you both. I hope he recovers well and you have a clearer idea of where you stand soon.
  • fillyfilly Member Posts: 32 Connected
    He is out of the hospital ,but he's still in pain . But he said it's over and to get out and never contact him again ! A lot of others words ect. 
    The pressure got to me that I have cut myself to release the pain . I am ok feeling calmer just going to keep out of his way . The doctor is ringing me away tommow ,so I will tell the doctor .
    I'm ok not going to do anything else !!!
    I don't need A+ E or mental health team ...
    Still hoping he will change his mind ,as I've got to go to the hospital to pick up more medication for him.
    So tonight I'm fine ! 
  • TopkittenTopkitten Member Posts: 1,263 Pioneering
    Sorry you are going  through this relationship problems can be extremely stressful. There has been some good practical advice given so I won't repeat it, I will just post some thoughts.

    Blaming you for the by-pass operation is both childish and abusive and some of the other things you mention are definitely emotionally abusive. We all control our own bodies and diet and obviously he hasn't done a good job so he wants to blame someone else for a problem of his own making. I would also guess his harping on about the pain is him selfishly looking for sympathy.

    I think you should contact the CAB (Citizens Advice Bureau) as you will hopefully have some rights to remain in the house, at least in the short term. I suspect his abusive attitude is to hammer you down so that you don't start thinking about your legal rights.

    Married or not, if you have lived together long enough, you should be classed as a "Common Law Wife" giving you many reasons to prevent his chucking you out.

    Basically your other half needs to grow up and accept responsibility for his problems caused by his chosen lifestyle.

    Sorry this may sound a bit harsh but considering his treatment of you I think what I have posted is valid.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • david235david235 Member Posts: 170 Pioneering
    Unfortunately there is no such thing in contemporary law as "common law wife/husband", @Topkitten . The law in England and Wales grants no rights over housing to cohabiting partners who are neither married nor civil partners. Section 30 Family Law Act 1996, which gives a right of occupation to a cohabiting partner in England or Wales who does not own or rent the home, explicitly only applies to people who are married or civil partners. As @filly has said she is not married, there seems no point discussing this further.

    Stress of all forms, including relationship stress, can contribute to physical health problems - but we are all primarily responsible for our own health. I share your concern, @Topkitten , that there may well be emotional abuse and perhaps also projection going on here.

    Again, I send my best wishes, @filly - I know it's a challenging situation.
  • Adrian_ScopeAdrian_Scope Administrator Posts: 7,555 Scope community team
    Hi @filly, I'm really sorry to read that things have gotten worse for you over the weekend and that you struggled last night. How are you doing today? Have you managed to speak to your doctor yet? 
    Senior Community Partner
    Scope

    If you have a few minutes to spare, we'd appreciate your feedback on our online community.
  • fillyfilly Member Posts: 32 Connected
    It was worse last night ,I self harmed to relieve the pain. He still wants me gone !
    I have spoken to my GP tonight ,I'm to see her in person on Friday to see if I need to be seen my the mental health team . I told her I would be ok till Friday as sadly the harming as taken the panic away for now.
    I am barred from the living room and to stay in my room with my cats, otherwise he will dump me back at the women's refuse !
    This is my biggest fear homeless again and been alone !

  • Sam_ScopeSam_Scope Member Posts: 7,732 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @filly
    I'm glad you managed to speak to your GP and that there are plans in place to see them, it's a really positive step for you to speak to them and I hope you can get the support you need.
    I know you've been given the websites and numbers for a lot of support groups in this post so I won't repeat them but do consider whether speaking to someone like Women's Aid might help you? They are experts in offering support around issues like this and they might be able to help.

    Scope
    Senior online community officer
  • fillyfilly Member Posts: 32 Connected
    Feeling the pressure building up in me again. It may be due to my looming doctor's appointment or the fact that his mum has stayed overnight? She is taking me to the doctor's appointment. Apparently he wants her to go in with me, to more or less rightly blame for him having his operation and hurting his mind. His mum thinks he's very near to breaking point, needing to go back to the hospital for his mental health ...
    She told him she would, but as agreed with me she won't.
    She will teld him that she has! This has made me feel worse,how could he even suggest it ??
    I'm not to speak to him, be as quiet as I can. Otherwise not to be in the same room.
    Is the mother said the only reason that im not on the street with the cats, is that ive got nowhere to go and nobody.
    It is out of pity hes letting me stay, this has upset me quite a lot!
    Then on the other hand that he might take me back?? As there still is something?






  • thespicemanthespiceman Member Posts: 6,408 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @filly   Good morning to you. Sorry to hear all this. I know you feeling right now emotional and lots of other emotions.

    You feel I can imagine betrayed, isolated, lonely and feel where and who to turn to.

    Then things happen they just do.

    Love, relationships who knows what is in the mind of your partner. 

    Us men can be difficult, hard to fathom out and misunderstood. 

    I do understand what is important in your mind is this notion is he ever going to want me back your fighting a losing battle the good memories, the good times are in your heart and mind.

    I am not a harsh, insensitive gent never have been but if there is a ray of hope you have a decision to make.

    This is to think of your life with out your partner.  I know that hurts me to say it and I can understand your pain.

    Understand right now you stressed, anxious head and heart over the place.

    You need please if I can suggest. Look at the links provided in previous posts.  I know you do probably have thoughts want to save this relationship . I agree maybe but if he is not listening then you need to consider options.

    You need to be strong have courage find what information is available to you and use it.

    Several of the organisations have there own welfare and housing schemes.  Also consider what many others have been telling you and giving you some support .

    I would right now seek the advice, guidance of those people start making plans right now.

    I understand right now what your going through.  I wish I could do more.

    I do not wish to dwell on the past but the future has to be looking after you and your own self.  Your important, valued member of our community you need to know that you can move on find joy and happiness.

    You can find some where to live remain independent and cope with anything that comes your way.

    It is time for you to be brave, have strength.

    Remember your not alone. You have the community to listen give you a lot of support. Ready to answer anytime.

    There is help and support what you need to do is to think clearly, be positive and have the courage to make the first steps.

    Please can I add one final thing . If you had a friend who is going through all of this. Heart ache, pain, mental anguish and trauma, anxiety.

    What would you be telling them to do right now with a clear conscious.?

    Something to consider.

    I am here anytime if I can be supportive.

    Please take care of your self. I have concerns and care about our community members .

    Always in prayers.

    @thespiceman




    Community Champion
    SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
    Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
    Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
    Recipes
  • david235david235 Member Posts: 170 Pioneering
    @filly - @thespiceman puts it better than I can. I know the thought of change is almost unbearably hard and you are hurting so badly. The most important thing right now is to do everything you can to look after yourself.

    As and when you are able, I encourage you to think about what the future might look like. I know much of you wants to save this relationship: whether that is possible will be up to both of you as it takes two people to make a relationship work. You need to decide whether it is right to try to save it; if, after careful reflection, you feel your future lies elsewhere then it is time to move on.


    Being alone, scared, ill and vulnerable is a very difficult place to be. Please take care of yourself and reach out for all the help you can. I send my very best wishes to you and the cats (can you tell us more about them? I love cats!). The community is standing with you.
  • fillyfilly Member Posts: 32 Connected
    Hi
    A glimmer of hope, he spoke to me, asked me if I was ok?
    I take this as a positive !!
    I hope this is ?? He knows im going to the doctors, and in his mind leave for good. Yes even if I am right, ive still go to learn to stand on my own two feet.

    I do love him, maybe too much.
    I know that I do not on any account go back to refuse and be homeless! 
    That won't end well, as my mindset .

    I have thought about it many times, and I decided no more enough is enough! 















  • Adrian_ScopeAdrian_Scope Administrator Posts: 7,555 Scope community team
    Hi @filly, I'm really sorry to read this, but I'm glad you sound as if you're feeling a bit stronger. The situation sounds frankly awful and I know you don't want signposting to anything, but have you given Women's Aid a thought as Sam suggested?
    Senior Community Partner
    Scope

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  • fillyfilly Member Posts: 32 Connected
    Hi
    I have been to the doctors, I'm been referred back to mental health. Although she did say did feel any worse I would need the mental health team.
    I told her that I can wait! I see her a wk on Monday but I'm to ring if I can't cope.
    As to the other situation and I'm able to cope by keeping out of the way, as I wanted to get back to my partner. His mother said he will not throw me out! 
    The doctor has warned me it will take possibly a long time to rebuild it at all.
    But she was happy to let things ride out...

    I do plan to get more independent and learn to be normalized as such...
    To ease my current situation I am sadly rehoming one of my cats Sophia tomorrow. This is for her sake, she is going to a lovely home.
    I am sad about it as I breed Sophia myself and she won many prizes at the cat shows. But this is best for her and my other two Sophias mother Mia and baby daughter Gracie she is 10mths old.

  • fillyfilly Member Posts: 32 Connected
    This baby Grace
  • charlie79charlie79 Member Posts: 135 Pioneering
    I have both border line personality dependancy and have suicidal and self harm last acted on 2016. On these black low moments you feel like Alice in wonderland trying to get out of the whole battling one obstical only to find another slap bang in front again. I find it's difficult for people to understand me also I most frustrating I don't understand myself and under pressure find I focus on what is wrong with me rather than the things are right. I'm just letting you know u r not alone. We feel like it because society tells us it's wrong to talk and stigmatised us so we feel wrong. I put a band around my wrist and flick it when feeling like at a low it helps and I put my earphones on and listen to music or watch a movie. I find because of earphones on there are no surrounding sounds like faint voice partner venting downstairs other than movie.. It helps to put my focus on something else. I've been in your shoes and there's no right answer it's what's right for u. But this may help you cope. Good luck brave one. 
  • Adrian_ScopeAdrian_Scope Administrator Posts: 7,555 Scope community team
    filly said:
    This baby Grace
    She's lovely @filly! Sorry you're having to rehome Sophia, but it's great you've found her a good home. :)
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  • david235david235 Member Posts: 170 Pioneering
    @filly - Grace is, indeed, gorgeous! I hope Sophia will settle well in her new home; it must be hard to rehome her, but it sounds as if you have been able to make a positive decision for the wellbeing of her, your other cats and yourself.

    I'm sending over lots of love.
  • fillyfilly Member Posts: 32 Connected
    He went to see his friend 2 doors down, whose wife is a very special friend. He told his friend that im fat and lazy, and his not turned on by me at all, etc... His friend told him that is not a reason to finish a relationship, that he wasn't been very fair! He also told me that hed told David how hard I was trying with the housework especially while hes been in hospital. And I was losing weight (of course im losing weight it marks 1 wks tomorrow since ive eaten ). David told him he didn't love me anymore but he still cares for me... This hurt me most of all !! His mother has gone to work this morning, she won't be back until teatime. I heard him get up and make his breakfast, so I took this opportunity to go downstairs make him a cup of tea and give him the money I got for my beautiful baby. He didn't look at me as far as I am aware but took the money and tea... To me this is progress !!! 

  • Adrian_ScopeAdrian_Scope Administrator Posts: 7,555 Scope community team
    Hi @filly,

    I'm really quite concerned about how you're being treated in this situation. Can I ask if you'd be okay with us contacting you via the email address you used to register this account to discuss the offer of additional support?

    Best wishes,
    Adrian
    Senior Community Partner
    Scope

    If you have a few minutes to spare, we'd appreciate your feedback on our online community.
  • fillyfilly Member Posts: 32 Connected
    Hi @filly,

    I'm really quite concerned about how you're being treated in this situation. Can I ask if you'd be okay with us contacting you via the email address you used to register this account to discuss the offer of additional support?

    Best wishes,
    Adrian
    Yes please contact by my email address

  • fillyfilly Member Posts: 32 Connected
    Progress today... He and his friend have fitted a cat blind to stop the cats getting out. Also bought an air conditionor or unit for my room. I am taking this that he doesn't want me and the cats to leave ?? He also spoke well one-word answers ie I ask him he would like a cup of tea yes .. I asked if he was feeling better yes im feeling ok . Could this be a breakthrough?
  • fillyfilly Member Posts: 32 Connected
    Feel so happy, he has had a normal conversation with me today !! I am now allowed to have the tv on low in my room. He explained about this new air conditioner in my room, in how to work it etc
    .
  • Adrian_ScopeAdrian_Scope Administrator Posts: 7,555 Scope community team
    Hi @filly, I'm glad you're feeling a little happier but I'm still concerned. While of course when sharing a house you need to take the others living there into account, you shouldn't be having to gain permission to watch TV in your room. 

    I've sent you the email we discussed previously, I hope you receive it soon and will consider the offer of some additional support. 
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    Scope

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  • fillyfilly Member Posts: 32 Connected
    TV is now back on! I'm so happy that he is talking to me again. I know that I still need help to get more independent. Small steps in the right directions...
  • Adrian_ScopeAdrian_Scope Administrator Posts: 7,555 Scope community team
    Hi @filly, how are you doing today? Did you watch any thing good last night? Have you received my email? 
    Senior Community Partner
    Scope

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  • fillyfilly Member Posts: 32 Connected
    Hi i send you an email on the same post.
    I am really happy normality has totally restored no sitting on the stairs etc. He has been off his morphine so I think hes more or less out of pain. He goes for his check-up next Friday. Thank you all for been there for me!
    Although lessons learn im going to get more independent and stand of my own 2 feet.
  • Adrian_ScopeAdrian_Scope Administrator Posts: 7,555 Scope community team
    Hi @filly, I'm glad to hear he's in less pain, I hope all goes well at his check-up next week. 
    Have you got anything planned for today? :)
    Senior Community Partner
    Scope

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