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Lost 😕

OnixOnix Posts: 55Member Pioneering
Having been taught to 'deal with it', 'suck it up' etc, even now I still find it hard to say i'm struggling - but I really genuinely am. It's just one of those days, nights, weeks that I can't find any way up or even want to. I'm on a lot of veterans groups but there is so much going on between them, I just don't trust where to post, although I know they will try to help. If I skip the bad bits and just go back to Fri, my ot had just been out (she was covering for my cpn who was going to have to cancel), she had just gone and I checked my mail. I had a letter from dwp stating I had a f2f home assessment on 01 Nov. The last one I had to go to actually broke me, even though I had someone there. Coupled with how I feel at the mo and what happened previously, i'm really, I don't know....... well I do but obviously can't say on here 😕. I'm just so tired of everything being such a fight 😢😢😢. People say it gets better, but when? Even my fight is about done, it's just getting at every corner. I'm sorry for long pathetic post, I really don't do 'feeling sorry for myself' posts but it feels like the 'gunfight at the ok corral'. 


  • woodbinewoodbine Posts: 176Member Pioneering
    Hope it helped to post? and its not pathetic you feel how you feel, will someone be there with you when you have the assessment? is it for ESA or PIP? We all have periods when it all seems too much and i'm like you  i don't do "feeling sorry for myself" unless i'm totally honest because I do feel like that.
    Take care and come back if you need more help theres always someone here for you.
  • OnixOnix Posts: 55Member Pioneering
    Hi, thanks for your reply @woodbine.
    Too be honest, posting hasn't done anything except make me more guilty for not being able to get a grip. 
    I shouldn't really have expected any different 😖. Thanks anyway.
  • saz11saz11 Posts: 116Member Pioneering

    Hi sorry to hear you are not feeling too great at the moment
     Please don't feel guilty , all of us on here at some point have needed a bit of extra support when we are struggling . 

    I know only to well things can become overwhelming and you can't understand why you can't just get on and deal with things like always.

    Do you have family you could talk to or a friends maybe. It can be hard to admit to those you are close to that you need a little bit of help. 

    It can sometimes feel like everything is happening all at once and its never ending but we are here anytime for any help or advice you may need. There is a coffee lounge that may interest you for having a chat to others about anything really.

    I do hope you feel better......anytime you need a chat just post there is usually always someone here that you can talk too .

  • OnixOnix Posts: 55Member Pioneering
    @soz11, thanks for reply. I'm very much a loner through learning the hard way. 
    This is the only way I tend to chat with folk (keyboard warrior, lol), but even then don't give too much of myself away. I always believe there are folks worse off, so hate taking any replies/resources away from them.
    I'll get the dog out then see what's what. Thanks again for reply.

  • WhileIBreathIHopeWhileIBreathIHope Posts: 216Member - under moderation Pioneering
    Speaking personally everyone has their dark place, a reservoir of fears and inadequacy. 

    Like quicksand delicate small movements. 

    I hope you find some comfort in the forums and camaraderie. 

  • saz11saz11 Posts: 116Member Pioneering

    You sound a bit like myself i am a bit of a loner too but i am starting to talk and share and it does feel better.

    Just having a wee chat can make the world of difference. There is no pressure to discuss anything other than what you are comfortable with.

    Like me taking the dog out always makes me feel better. What breed do you have ? I have a fox red labrador and he is just the love of my life in fact he is lying next to me on the sofa all cuddled up.....i think he still thinks he is a little puppy the way he cuddles in but he weighs a ton and he is huge 🙂🙂
  • thespicemanthespiceman Posts: 5,355Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Onix   Pleased to meet you. Sorry to hear what you are going through. We do understand as a community have compassion and empathy.

    Please if this helps you. Speak to your CPN .  Say how you are and what is bothering you. That is there job their role. 

    Struggle to speak can not write it down. Please can I ask you to read this please thank you.

    I know myself all assessments are a difficult time and to reassure you there are positive outcomes besides the negative ones.

    What is important is to find and ask for support in your assessment. If the team you have is not working for you or you think they are not being useful.

    Which they should be advising you, supporting you if not. You need to say. Remember it is your own health that needs addressing and it up the team to help and give some goals, aims and a plan to cope with anything.

    Look at other options consider other choices.

    I use with my mental health issues and problems. Charities .

    Used this one last time.


    Get floating support and advice guidance on your mental health. Well being and looking at everything you have. Including the benefits and probably help you being in attendance and filling in forms.

    Might not be in all areas.

    I am one of the team of community champions and do know many members struggle and have problems .

    Please use this forum to discuss how you are. I always on here. Offering friendship, my time to listen to any one who wishes to offload have a chat.
    Create a post talk about your interests, your life your experiences. Share and care.  The community will respond I know do this all the time.

    I know have put lots of things on here anything random.

    Your not alone. I live alone this my place to talk, be a friend offer a friendly, kind word.

    Please get in touch any time you want.

    Happy to be a friend.

    Please if I can help with anything please ask.

    Pleasure to meet you.

    Please take care.


  • OnixOnix Posts: 55Member Pioneering
    edited October 28
    @thespiceman Thank you for taking the time to reply. I will have a look at the link you put, thank you. I'm really not in best place and sinking. Overcome one thing and another kicks in. I've tried talking/writing to cpn, I put a lot of stuff on about 3 letters which would have prompted question but she never discussed them, leading me to think they weren't even read. What's the point? I tried, I've tried loads of times - maybe some people just aren't meant to be fixed.

    Haha, even the universe has said no!! Closest place to Scotland is Liverpool. Should've known 😕😢
  • saz11saz11 Posts: 116Member Pioneering
    Hi @Onix

    Thought i would check on and see how are you today ?
  • OnixOnix Posts: 55Member Pioneering
    Hi @saz11 
    Thanks for messaging. I just realised I hadn't replied to you, my apologies 😕.
    Ermmm, easier to smile and say i'm fine.
    In reply to your last post I have a Russian Black Terrier, he is 7 months old and 39kg. Just as well he's friendly ☺. I like fox red labs, I actually wanted one a while ago, but I'm just not physically fit enough to give it what he needs.
    I hope this finds you well.
  • saz11saz11 Posts: 116Member Pioneering
    Hi @Onix

    Not a problem just wanted to see how you were. Wow 39kg he is massive god and i thought my dog was big. He must keep you on your toes. On these cold dark nights its hard to drag yourself up and walk them.

    I do hope you are starting to feel better as i said before just having a wee chat can 

    I hope you keep posting.

    I have done the last walk and my dog is now all cuddled up for the night i am terrible i spoil him so much but he makes me smile .

    Take care and i hope you enjoy the rest of your eveing.

  • OnixOnix Posts: 55Member Pioneering

    Hi, this is my boy. He's cheeky, I had to smile when he picked up his kong food bowl and lay on the couch with it.
    We've got another wander to do yet but it will likely be early hours when there shouldn't be anyone around.
  • saz11saz11 Posts: 116Member Pioneering
    edited October 30

    Awwww he is gorgeous .
  • thespicemanthespiceman Posts: 5,355Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Onix   Thank you for your post sorry to hear this your experiences with CPN.

    There is a duty of care for all service users and those wising all services. Guidelines and rules to make sure you get the care you need unfortunately this is not happening.

    I do understand as this has happened to myself before. I am sorry to hear not reading anything you write.

    There are members of the Mental Health Team who do not respond or care about the clientele they see.

    Sorry to tell you this. I learnt the hard way. Had a floating support did eject me from her list. Because she wanted a cup of tea and a biscuit . Oh I forget give you a cup of tea and a biscuit and a kind word.

    Do not have the cup of tea and biscuit . It is not about that it is about me helping me. To her annoyance decided to remove me from her list.  Some are very spiteful sorry to be harsh but they are.

    There are good staff in organisations and associations charities like I have mentioned. If there not in your area.

    Sorry about that if there not. Your entitled to support and advice, guidence with your mental health.

    I would consider the following steps.

    Contact RETHINK.  You need to do this. There an advocate Charity take on clientele who are having problems accessing support when no one listens or have nil response.

    From staff.  It is very useful. They set up a meeting with you before any appointment. What do you need to say ?  Speak on your behalf to the staff member the CPN.

    Used this for Doctors.


    I would also make a complaint to the Team Manager of your mental health support. If getting no where.

    Use RETHINK for that.

    Also you are entitled to look at other options to deal with mental health.

    I have left council services or certain charities. If it not working.

    This is another one to consider.


    Have a look on NHS website.  Other links.  Search Every Mind Matters on line. From my Doctor a leaflet.

    Another important point speak to your GP.  I would they have a duty to care and advise you. I know sometimes we hate bothering our GP.

    I am an old fashioned gent but have learnt they need to know how you are and can be beneficial to your well being.  Just a thought.

    Please if I can help with anything. Please get in touch happy to listen.

    Please take care.


  • OnixOnix Posts: 55Member Pioneering

    Thank you for your post. I will look into mind and rethink.

    I couldn't complain about my cpn, she is actually really nice but probably just forgot as she is so busy. 

    I even tried using an online counsellor from the better help platform, he was in America but when I was talking, I was obviously on speaker as he was doing various stuff. Clattering about in the kitchen, running water and then it sounded like he had gone to the bathroom - however at a minimum of £35 per week, it was going to be too expensive but I had 3 sessions. I found out where he lived, family history, his history etc lol. He wanted me to keep using him, saying I would open up eventually - 😕😕. Maybe it's me, I really don't seem to connect with anyone.
    It shows when you have o'd then ask gp for more painkillers and get a full box of them.
    I'm really dreading tomorrow, i'm already on minimum sleep and strung out. I just wonder if things will ever get any better, even just a little bit. Surely that's not too much to ask? 

    Thank you for being so patient and posting different resources for me to try.

    I am really grateful to everyone for trying to help me, i'm just so sorry i'm not in a place to try and help others at the moment. I feel really selfish and that's not me - I'd rather help someone even to my detriment.
  • thespicemanthespiceman Posts: 5,355Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Onix   Please can I thank you for your post and sharing.

    Understand I am concerned to hear you applied on line for therapy.

    Could cost you money. Please do not do this.

    I would if I can be open and honest with you.

    Look at the reasons why your CPN is no being responsive to your needs.

    Yes she may be nice but sometimes we need to say . What we need from a service.

    Understand thinking you may not wish to get her into trouble. Three times your trying to get help and support for your issues.

    You mentioning not listening or not read anything.  

    If you consider looking at what I suggested. The whole point of mental health services.  Is for you to deal with your issues and problems.

    Using coping methods, strategies a plan deemed fit to make sure your care and lifestyle needs are met.

    I do also think that if something is not working for you or is not fit for your own needs you must say so.

    One other point all mental health charities have care plans and coping methods, strategies in agreement with you.

    Please may I add one other valid point. They are there to help you but you have to realise. They do not run your life for you.

    You also may ask yourself how can I help myself.  You need to say yes and offer much compliance, agreement to benefit you own health .

    If they offer counselling or CBT or offer support groups.  Please consider doing or attending.

    Because this is where you learn about lifestyle issues that cause many difficulties.

    Including sessions on Sleep. Medication, Mental Health Acts, Diet, Fitness, Wellbeing and much more. Addiction including drugs and alcohol.

    Often invite organisations in to talk about a lot of this.

    Own support workers may discuss this as well. Some have a lot of qualifications in certain areas.

    Of course when you do attend you will meet others like you. 

    You build up a dossier a file on mental health, educate yourself.

    Have the knowledge.  To use to be beneficial for my own needs.

    Reason I put a lot on my posts on mental health and associated related to well being and health.

    I have to share with you had my illness for a long time..

    I hope I can be helpful and please let me know if I can be of further use.

    One other you can live again and cope . I do use one other aspect of my Life. Which is useful my Christianity and faith.

    Does help me as does this forum to talk what is bothering me. Something else to consider and look at.

    Remember small steps always. Do small achievements and you will succeed.

    Success comes in cans not can nots.

    Wish you well.

    Please take care.


  • saz11saz11 Posts: 116Member Pioneering

    Hey my lovely just wanted to send u hugs and wish you good luck for tomorrow and let you know i will be thinking about you.

    Just you remember how strong you are and we will all be he waiting to hear from. 

  • OnixOnix Posts: 55Member Pioneering

    Aww, thank you - I really appreciate that 😄. I'm absolutely terrified because of the last time, hence i'm on here ☺. I figure some light reading and replying will keep me occupied for a bit at least, then I'll take Onix a walk and hopefully I'll not have too much longer after that to wait.
  • saz11saz11 Posts: 116Member Pioneering

    Awww i wish i could take your worry away....is it pip or esa you have f2f for ?.

    What happened the last time that leaves you feeling so troubled if you don't mind me asking ..
  • OnixOnix Posts: 55Member Pioneering

    Wow, thank you ☺.
    I'll try and address your info best as I can.
    The online counselling is to try and teach me to actually speak to folk, so that I can try to open up a bit, i'm more used to writing stuff down as I get too tongue-tied and forget how to speak.  
    Because my confidence and self-esteem are totally smashed, I don't really know what help i actually need - I can appreciate how absolutely ludicrous that  sounds. They have tried cbt to no avail but the psychiatrist is taking everything slowly now which is good. I can't cope with multiple people to attend group sessions, that's going to take a lot of work.

    I know they can't run my life for me, heck even I can't run my life lol. I guess my writing it is me trying to help myself because what I write should prompt questions that gives me an opening to try and talk my answers through - I find it impossible to talk about me otherwise.

    It's good that you have your religion as well to help you. I was christened as a baby but never followed religion. For me now, I would be hypocritical to all of a sudden embrace religion to try and get fixed - I think I'm definitely beyond redemption now.

    Massive thank you again. You are all really helpful and have been voices of reason that gave me a bit of space to slow my panic down a bit.

    I really will try and return the favour. I'm not used to getting something for nothing. ☺
  • OnixOnix Posts: 55Member Pioneering

    Hi it's PIP but it impacts on Esa and war pension which I have appeals in for.

    It went wrong last time before I even got in the door. They wouldn't do a home visit and had nothing set up as promised, quiet area etc. I had a support worker there luckily. The assessor didn't even look at me, was curt and rude then started losing her head because I couldn't tell her dates I was diagnosed with ptsd. She kept having a go at me and I went into meltdown. The support worker had to actually step in and basically tell her to back off as I couldn't compose myself. Once we got decision, it was full of absolute lies. Both the support worker and I put in (letter of complaint and, absolutely nothing was done. That's the quick version lol.

    How are you?
  • saz11saz11 Posts: 116Member Pioneering

    Good morning Linda not sure what time your appointment is but remember you got through the last awful one and you will get through this too x 
  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Posts: 5,842Administrator Scope community team
    Hi @Onix, I'm sorry to hear things have been really difficult for you. I'm glad others on the community have been able to provide support. Your dog is gorgeous!! I hope he's able to keep you company. :) 
    Online Community Officer
  • OnixOnix Posts: 55Member Pioneering
    @thespiceman @Adrian_Scope

    Hi Saz11, thank you for your message, I really appreciate it xx

    I just wanted to say THANK YOU to you all for all your help this week - yep I had a couple of incidents (can't put on here), but because you took time to check in with me, it averted a potentially major 'blip'.

    I had my f2f this morning and it was absolutely disastrous - it went on forever and I was getting to a point of just crumpling and not being able to do anything. I couldn't do any of the exercises she asked but I was fighting against myself because I felt so pathetic. Eventually she said we were done - and now it's just a waiting game.

    Thank you all so much for just being there 😄

  • saz11saz11 Posts: 116Member Pioneering

    I am absolutely gutted to hear things didn't go as smoothly as they should have. Please stop giving yourself a hard time trust me i feel helpless and not in control when i have my f2f but after my last pip f2f i thought enough.....I've worked  all my life and paid my taxes and i am not going to let anyone make me feel small or like a second class citizen. 

    When i got home after that assessment would you believe i had a letter to go for one for esa 😄😄 anyway now i just go and be open and honest to the best of my ability and i believe there's not much more you can do. So chin up i am sure you gave your best. You seem a nice caring honest person and you were strong enough to go so just bind your time for the decision.  We are all here anytime....you have us as friends now can't get rid of us 🙂
  • thespicemanthespiceman Posts: 5,355Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Onix   Good morning to you.  Thank you for kind words. Sorry to hear about your assessment.

    I do understand is a difficult time for you.

    Please if I can mention this is me. I never done the physical side of assessments because I do not have to. Says in the booklet. I would recommend that it is not necessary.

    Sorry to tell you this.  As I am physical disabled any way why poke and prod. Do not do this. Might lose a few points but in reality if you explain am in pain and struggle to do this. Next time.

    No need at all.

    I would just like to say you mentioned several problems with talking and communication.

    I am myself born deaf and have to struggle to hear. I would just also add one way of talking to help you.  This from a hearing specialist is to use music.

    Listen to music with that of course comes words.  If you concentrate on the lyrics of words of songs does help.

    Use the old songs and artists those like Frank Sinatra or those artists such as Nat King Cole. From that you can pronounce words and remember them to use.

    From that you get confidence and self esteem. I had a former friend who would stammer. Yet he could sing beautifully .

    Amazing but true.    There was an artist in the charts had a no 1 spoke with a stammer difficult to talk but could sing.

    I forget his name.

    I know added some links to look at. Understand the anxiety the problems and everything your going through.

    I get the sweats, nervous and on edge meeting people.  Yet looking at enrolling in mental health charities helped me over come that.

    That is a big step for you I do know but there again the door is always open.  To look at every thing.

    Then I will be happy to help and be here for you.  If you decide to do that decision.

    If I can be supportive please get in touch.

    Please take care.

  • OnixOnix Posts: 55Member Pioneering
    Thank you for keeping in touch ☺, it's really kind of you.
    Oh wow, bet you weren't impressed going for the esa f2f straight after pip.
    I really hope that doesn't happen to me, but I won't hold my breath.
    Please excuse my bad manners - I meant to ask, do you have a pic of your furkid?
    I hope I may be able to offer my help at some point as you have done for me ☺.
  • saz11saz11 Posts: 116Member Pioneering
    edited November 3

    Its not a problem at all.....i have had my fair share of  low points in my life and i isolated myself for a long time so i know how easy it can be to just shut yourself away.  Yeah two assessment within a few weeks phew but ive coped with a thousand times worse things than the DWP can throw at me 🙂. 
    Are you feeling any better or are you worrying about the decision .

  • OnixOnix Posts: 55Member Pioneering

    Thanks to you as well, i'm not used to folks being so nice. Because I try to do stuff, folk think there's nothing wrong and i'm working my ticket, but they don't see the before and after.
    I'll be sure to try that with music ☺.
    Because my confidence and self-esteem is so smashed, I thought I'd try and do a confidence course - got to the class, the door was shut and I could hear folk talking on the other side of it, so I couldn't even open the door.  Absolutely pathetic considering some of the jobs i've done.
    I really appreciate the help and suggestions you have given ☺.

  • OnixOnix Posts: 55Member Pioneering
    Wow, he's a beauty 😍😍. Stunning shade of fox red!! 
    I'm honestly dreading the decision but I think exhaustion will kick in first so that will give a bit of respite until I can catch up with myself ☺. 
    Until then, I'll just keep on keeping on ☺.
  • saz11saz11 Posts: 116Member Pioneering

    I am not going to tell you not to worry but what i will tell you is you are a strong lovely lady. I hope you will see that things can get better even if the decision is not the one you want. A few years ago i honestly didn't think i would smile again but now i have days i even laugh 😄😄 

    I am here anytime to chat about everything or anything it helps me too. 

  • OnixOnix Posts: 55Member Pioneering

    Thank you so much.
  • Adrian_ScopeAdrian_Scope Posts: 4,497Administrator Scope community team
    Hi @Onix. I just wanted to check in and let you know that while your F2F didn't go as you might've hoped, we'll be happy to advise in any way that we can.
    Senior Online Community Officer
  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Posts: 5,842Administrator Scope community team
    Hi @Onix I'm sorry your assessment didn't go to plan. Like @Adrian_Scope said, we'll be here if you need anything. I hope you have managed to start the week off nicely.
    Online Community Officer
  • OnixOnix Posts: 55Member Pioneering


    Thank you ☺. Sorry for late reply, had a bit of a meltdown. It's good to know there are people here.
  • Adrian_ScopeAdrian_Scope Posts: 4,497Administrator Scope community team
    No need to apologise @Onix. How are you doing at the moment?
    Senior Online Community Officer
  • OnixOnix Posts: 55Member Pioneering
    Hi @Adrian_Scope, i'm currently climbing the walls 😢. I really need these fireworks to stop. Far to much like 🔫🔥and other stuff.

    How are you doing?
  • chiariedschiarieds Posts: 723Member Pioneering
    Hi @Onix - Linda, I see you have met some lovely people from the Scope team, & also saz11 whom I was very pleased to meet & chat with fairly recently. I am hypersensitive to light & sound, so feeling for you right now. How is Onix doing.....is he coping with the fireworks? I hope they have stopped now where you are: it's quiet for me now, thank goodness.
    Thinking about your recent f2f, altho' you felt it went disastrously, the fact it went on a long time hopefully meant the assessor was going through all your problems thoroughly. The fact you had difficulties may also just highlight the problems you undoubtedly face.
    You have mentioned that you are the sort of person who wants to help others; this seems so very important to you. So just take those small steps forward to help you first, so that you will be better able to help others a little later, thank you.
  • OnixOnix Posts: 55Member Pioneering
    Hi @chiarieds, Thank you for your reply. I have been very lucky that people replied and gave me help and further advice ☺. 
    Onix is really good, he hasn't bothered which has been great.
    It must be really hard being hypersensitive to light and noise 😕.
    The majority seem to have eased off now, hopefully not too long before they all stop. I'm leaving it as long as possible before getting Onix out. He has been so good so if he tells me he needs out, we will have to go out.
    I hope you have had a nice evening.
  • chiariedschiarieds Posts: 723Member Pioneering
    Onix looks such a lovely dog, & I'm glad the fireworks haven't bothered him. Yeah, well dogs do have their way of saying I need to go out, don't they? I look after my son's Bedlington terrier a few days a week. I have him tomorrow....it all depends on what shifts he & his wife are working as they don't want to leave him alone too long.
    Enjoy your last walk of the day, & thank you for replying & your kind thoughts.
  • crackercracker Posts: 305Member Pioneering

    I have that hypersensitivity to light, sound and smells. On a sunny day I must draw my curtains, and I hear tiny noises and light smells no one else notices.

    I have been in much the same place emotionally and physically. I will think of you.

    What a comfort this forum is.
  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Posts: 5,842Administrator Scope community team
    Hi @Onix, that's okay, how are you doing today?

    I know there must have been a lot of fireworks last night which cannot have been easy.
    Online Community Officer
  • OnixOnix Posts: 55Member Pioneering
    Hi Chloe, lol talk about timing. I was in the middle of typing I wasn't too bad kaboom!! The biggest bang of the day went off. I screamed, the phone launched and Onix went ballistic because I got a fright 😂😂😂😂😂, honestly, it was comedy gold.

    How are things your way?
  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Posts: 5,842Administrator Scope community team
    Now that is something that needed to be recorded!  :D Always the way!

    I'm doing well thank you, I jumped many times last night at the fireworks (I have a strong startle reflex because of my cerebral palsy). Just wish it would stop raining. :)
    Online Community Officer
  • OnixOnix Posts: 55Member Pioneering
    I think I'd have won the £250 in you've been framed (if they still do that) lol.
    I hope your weather has improved now. It's been raining on and off all day here, at least it was warm though.
    Here's hoping we all get a bit of respite 😁😁.
  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Posts: 5,842Administrator Scope community team
    Nice sunny weather today! Hopefully that stays. :)

    Certainly would have been getting £250!  :D
    Online Community Officer
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