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Hi. I’m Ami.

Ami_IrisAmi_Iris Posts: 4Member Listener
Hi. I’m a bit lost. I’m not even sure what to say. 
I’m Ami. I’m 42. I don’t even know... Maybe if I start...
I used to be a lot more...never optimistic but trying to be a realist used to feel better. 
I’ve always had problems and when I was 15, after my mum died, I developed Schizophrenia. I was diagnosed at 18 and once I got on the right medication, it was usually easy to keep under control. Over time I’d have to deal with ever increasing social anxieties. There was also a suspicion of ASD raised in the last year or two, although they stopped pursuing it. I remember doing a test, QT50 I think they called it and then nothing after. Apparently I asked them to drop it but it was news to me. There’s also, at the same time, been raised a separate need for psychological help but again, I supposedly asked them to drop it. 
I’m feeling so lost now though. 
I’ve never been the popular person and I’ve always been happy with that. But I was taught in my late teens to depend on others; that I couldn’t depend on myself and it didn’t take long to realise that my health workers were the only ones I could depend on. But even that ended in 2004, as hard as it was to accept it. From 2005, my care was nothing more than diary keeping. I told my doctor once that I really wished I could end it all and he just smiled and told me to come back when I was feeling better. My daughter was to be my only source of strength in that time, until I lost her. The court case for access was quite possibly the only time I was able to willingly push myself into a conflict of more than a part of a day but that was how much she meant to me. Contact with her was a vague cycle of one to three hours every two or three weeks until the other one next broke the court order. Time with her would make me feel invulnerable but the longer we were separate, the more I wore down. The case ended, according to my solicitor, with a win but even as she said it, I knew a court order that was dependant on the other person’s permission wasn’t a win. 
The next town I lived in, from 2010, the doctors got worse. I can’t even say how but when I moved to where I am now, it looked as though this town was better, maybe closer to pre-2005. But it didn’t last and I’ve had to split from the NHS entirely because I can’t cope with it anymore. I saw them getting worse, I realised I wasn’t a person to them, and it scared me because I don’t want a repeat of my last town. Thing is, it’s meant I’ve got no one at all now. I’m having to try and sort my medicines through alternative means and...
I think I’m kind of lucky in that the local area is...I can still walk around there as long as I’m confident I don’t have to deal with anyone. I can still enjoy a coffee in Costa as long as there’s no risk of someone wanting to share a table. I can even talk a little with the staff while I’m waiting. I know that, with no doctors, I’m going to fail the next DWP assessment, and ready or not, Costa makes the most sense as a possible way to carry on, although it’s terrifying too. But as far as being in one location away from home, I think Costa is the closest I have to a chance of coping. I certainly don’t have any prospects in the rest of the town. It makes me panicky to think of going out of my local area. Even in my local area, I get scared of talking to people. I couldn’t entertain the idea of friendships. I keep a Facebook but only because of 3rd party logins. It’s good for stress relief though and I can hide everything I write. I’m okay on another site. I sometimes write articles and I can respond and I feel a lot safer because no more than 3 articles/responses a day means I can’t get drawn in to conversations I end up regretting. 
But my housing officer doesn’t like it. She’s constantly telling me she wants me to join local clubs, despite how often I’ve felt alienated in them. She’s happy I’m thinking of work but she wants me to do yet another program first that’ll take years I don’t have to make sure I’m ready. 
And yeah. 
I’m going to stop here because... I’m sorry. 

Replies

  • thespicemanthespiceman Posts: 5,355Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    edited November 30
    Hello @Ami_Iris   Pleased to meet you.
    Thank you for joining and sharing. Please do not apologise for saying sorry this never ever your fault.
    Understand a lot of what your saying. Please if I can add your not alone. You have come to the right place.
    I am one of the team of community champions. We guide, advise and help members of our community.
    Please if you would consider looking a these links. This might help and give you a lot of support.
    You mentioned mental health anxieties and other associated issues.
    I have myself mental health and a disability. Used these organisations.
    https://www.richmondfellowship.org.uk.
    https://www.mind.org.uk.
    https://rethink.org.
    The last one may be useful to you. Unfortunately there are Doctors medical professionals who do not and wish to never help or support those with mental health issues. Spent a lot of my life getting short shift.
    Used RETHINK. 
    An advocate service. Please if I can explain what they do is represent you speak on your behalf to any medical professional connected with your care. Ask any questions.
    All mental health charities offer floating support, well being and support with any thing such as benefits or employment issues.
    One point I must stress to you. Please think about what do you need from any service that you might apply to.
    There all have plans, aims goals that they expect you to comply with as part of your recovery.
    One the point in any service the staff will help you find your path but you have to help your self. This one thing I learnt sorry to add.
    The staff are not there to run your life for you. I know you need self esteem and confidence back, think about volunteering. I used volunteering to help me.
    Please have a look at your local county council website. Community Unit.
    My ideas would be write down what you think you want and make it short and simple. Then if you contact any of the above they have an idea.
    How to help you and give their support.
    Please can I add one other point might be of interest. I have had this myself in my own personal circumstances. 
    Every one has anxieties, self doubt problems feeling lost. I am in my middle fifties had a lot of health issues including addiction .  Have my faith.
    Found my path and support members like yourself. Life is very short.
     I can feel you not happy with anything. Please can just say make a list of achievements things you wish to do and obtain.
    I retrained in my early Forties after a life time of admin qualifications dead end jobs. Set up a business.  When that folded made me ill.  Became an alcoholic So got help from any of those charities . I have listed. Had to go to rehab took me 18 months to come off.  After thirty years of being one.
    Make a list also of your skills, abilities and talents. Think where any leads or opportunities could come from to make your happy, content.
    Even hobbies, interests. I like cooking use this forum for recipes. Had volunteered in kitchens.
    Please think about what motivates you keeps your heart going.
    I had a time in my life surrounded by I thought friend's in reality . They were hangers on used me as door mat . Do I need them, had suicidal thoughts is it worth it.
    Got my self sorted with addiction. Been clean twelve years, got rid of those people. Last one a few months ago.
    Lost the car Government changed my benefits, found this forum. Do a lot on line my support and asked for help every one who was a friend cut me off so did the same.
    Best thing ever. On here best friends many of them love  them lot.
    Please if I can help with anything further please ask me. I offer friendship, compassion and empathy. Your not the problem.
    I am sorry long post. I just wanted to explain have walked a mile in your shoes.
    Pleasure to meet you.
    Please keep safe and warm, keep in touch.
    Understand this your a valued member of our community.  Two sayings taught to me by support workers. If you put a stone in your path. Do you stop still or do you go around and carry on. Success comes in cans not can nots.
    Please take care.
    @thespiceman
  • Ami_IrisAmi_Iris Posts: 4Member Listener
    Thank you. I do have some experience with Rethink, although very different. They used to run a hostel in one of my past cities, pre-2005. Maybe still do. I could ask them. Thank you. 
  • thespicemanthespiceman Posts: 5,355Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Ami_Iris   Thank you for reply. Wanted to add I know given you a lot ot look at.
    I hope this is helpful.
    At the moment life is painful and difficult to cope with. Please take it slowly make some plans.
    I am not a patronising person that you know yourself than any one.
    Think carefully of what you would consider looking at. No problem at all of them the links provided.
    I had council services and the one listed charity working together to help me, more support and advice you can get.
    Learn and educate yourself. Your an intelligent person you know that and yes it is fine to some one to dictate to you. Say that you need to join clubs or societies.
    Not for every one, a variety of interests, hobbies and volunteering meant I had a vast networks of people. Now happy be here supporting you, realised the truth.
    I can not connect with those in social groups not easy.
    I can and do understand everything your saying.
    Please take care, if I can help please contact me.
    @thespiceman

  • Ami2301Ami2301 Posts: 5,808Community champion Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Ami_Iris and welcome to the community! Thank you for opening up to us and please don't feel that you need to apologise, you have nothing to apologise for! How are you feeling today?
    You're a fighter. Look at everything you've overcome. Don't give up now!
  • Ami_IrisAmi_Iris Posts: 4Member Listener
    Better than last night. Been keeping busy. It’s kind of one good thing about day times these days is there’s a lot of pieces to pick up and even without being the most important, I find picking up the pieces in terms of the effect on my home can be pretty mood lifting; mostly because I’ve never been able to before, whether because of demotivation or because of so many obligations to other people; medical staff mostly. Past few months though, as lonely as I’ve been, I do feel grateful I’ve been able to focus on solutions again. 
  • chiariedschiarieds Posts: 723Member Pioneering
    Hi @Ami_Iris - Welcome to this very caring & supportive community. I hope the advice is helpful & that perhaps Rethink would be a good place to start, as you say.
    I thought you wrote most poignantly, so please don't say you're sorry. You gave us a window through which we could see what your life is like, & for that I'd like to thank you.
  • Ami_IrisAmi_Iris Posts: 4Member Listener
    Thank you. I did have a look at the rethink site but apparently the nearest one to here is too far according to the site. I can understand why but I might try Mind instead. Thank you though. I really appreciate it. 
  • Tammyjane33Tammyjane33 Posts: 371Member, Community champion Pioneering
    @thespiceman amazing feed back as always. 
  • Adrian_ScopeAdrian_Scope Posts: 4,497Administrator Scope community team
    Hi @Ami_Iris. How are you doing today?
    You've given us a real sense of how much you're struggling through your writing, so please never apologise for expressing yourself. It's always better to be honest and candid.
    In terms of looking for work, we have a range of free employment services available here, so please don't feel you only have the one option, as there will be other things out there that might work for you too. If you do end up failing your assessment, we can also try to advise you if you choose to appeal it.
    Senior Online Community Officer
    Scope
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