I feel like I'm losing my mind

SallyH

As the title says, I feel like I’m losing my mind. 

In a previous discussion I talked about my ADHD and how I find it hard to apply to new jobs. On top of the issues I face with ADHD I also suffer from Depression and anxiety. And since I posted last my mental health has taken a nosedive. 

A few things happened that may have triggered it, including the death of one of my pets, relationship issues, and feeling out of place at work. It all added up to a night where -for the first time in my life- I had to make use of a crisis line. They helped me get through the night, but it definitely felt as though they just wanted to stop the conversation with me. 

Since that night I’ve felt awful. Lonely and empty. 

I’ve attempted to contact private therapists only to receive no answer, not even an automated one. My GP surgery is utterly useless as I get put with a new doctor seemingly every time I need to see them (and some seem to have very little understanding about mental health). I’ve been told there’s a three year wait time for NHS therapy, and I have very little to no faith in the online therapy services I see advertised. This has understandably caused more issues surrounding my feelings of rejection. 

I’ve been in and out of contact with friends, trying to show an upbeat image to them since they’re all dealing with their own things. And even though I still live at home with my parents I can’t speak to them on my issues. The last time I tried my mother made it into a ‘Who has it worse’ competition and admitted that I’ve been a burden on her and my father since I was born. She listed all the things she had achieved by my age (25), and how I’m completely useless. All I wanted was a little compassion and understanding from the people who are meant to care for me the most. 

They’ve been away on holiday with my brothers for two weeks and are due to arrive home tomorrow. Instead of spending those two weeks on my special interests, hobbies, or even seeing friends, I’ve been obsessively cleaning knowing if one thing is out of place then the rest doesn’t matter. I got permission to build a path in the back garden but became so overwhelmed by the thoughts that the house may be a mess I have left it half finished. By half finished I mean I’ve dug out all the dirt but have been unable to progress further. 

Because of the cleaning that needs doing I can’t seem to get any work done in the office as I keep thinking about what has to be done at home. Then when I’m at home I feel so overwhelmed and useless that I become paralized about starting on anything. Whole days pass without anything being done at all, and I’ve developed the worst case of facial acne I’ve ever had due to stress induced skin picking. I’ve also relapsed into impulsive spending, stupidly putting it all on my credit card. On top of that I’ve put off eating for hours at a time and my personal care has slipped. 

I have no options for moving out due to my financial situation, nor do I feel I can speak to anyone at work as my parents also work here and are the only reason I have my job. I am searching for a new job but due to my ADHD needs and lacking CV I’ve had no luck at all. Maybe I’m just too picky, but I can’t stand the thought of entering a workplace where I have no interest in the work, or am in an environment where I’m not cared about. I did contact Scope’s 

I also feel as though I’ve not said anything coherent in weeks. Every time I open my mouth or type it feels like everyone else hears or sees static. No one seems to understand anything I say, and I’m getting so tired of having to explain myself every single time. Sometimes this feeling is so bad I’ll get worried that I’ve had a stroke and test myself time and time again. I just want to feel like I’m being listened to and understood. 

The most awful thing is that creative writing is one of my favourite hobbies, spending hours writing with a friend of mine. Recently my writing has been absolutely awful. Unable to follow a thread or plot. I’ve also not painted in just under two weeks. 

Thankfully my Elvanse and Citalopram help stabilize my moods or else I would be a nervous wreck day in day out. However, I still find myself crying before bed, or randomly in intervals of silence. If I don’t have a distraction I end up breaking down. 

I don’t really know where to go from here. I want advice and help, with the knowledge that someone’s actually read and understood what I have written. I want to feel like I’m doing okay in life for once. 

leeCal

So I’ve read and understood what you’ve said and it all makes sense to me. I have no specific solutions but I would say keep calm, stick to routines you know well and ride out the storm. It may take a while but your present feelings will alter. You’ve had a lot to deal with lately by the sound of it and it’s not surprising you feel down. Give yourself a rest from thinking, perhaps play a few favourite tracks or watch a favourite dvd anything really just to relax. I’m sure in a few days time you’ll feel differently about things. I hope so, best wishes. 

SallyH

@leeCal Thank you for reading, understanding, and responding. It means a lot.

The most irritating and debilitating issue with ADHD is that I can't really get a break from thinking and I find it extremely hard to relax. I wish I could, I have many video games I want to play, and stories I want to write. But I can't stop going around and around in my head about everything that needs to be done. 

Thank you again, though.

Cher_Alumni

Hi @SallyH

Times when things are too much, like when you rung the crisis line, just leave you feeling  drained don't they?  It can take a long time to feel fully like before but you definitely aren't losing your mind.  You're doing your best to cope after a series of sad life events and are doing well even if it might not feel like you are now.  It will pass I promise. 

I would persevere with accessing therapy.  NHS waiting lists vary across the UK , so it might not be as long as you fear.  This website helps you find your local NHS psychological therapy service so you could always call to enquire and ask what support is available in the short-term.

Also, one thing I have personally learnt is to confide in friends when things are emotionally rough.  You don't need to be upbeat all the time and they will want to help you through this, as you would probably want to be there for them.  Don't be scared to be vulnerable and talk if you feel comfortable to.  

When you say you can't relax, would exercise be a good outlet for some of this extra energy you have?  A good walk in the open air, listening to music or a podcast might help quiet the thoughts whizzing through your head.   

I hope some of these ideas help but as someone who is quite a bit older than you, I just want you to know I think you are doing brilliantly 

SallyH

@Cher_Scope thank you for the comment

I feel completely and utterly drained. I had a week off work the first week my family were away on holiday in the hopes I could feel better and do things I wished to do. But the stress just kept building up. I just want everything to stop, just for a bit. 

I’ll see if I can access therapy any quicker. I find phone calls extremely difficult, do you know if there’s any way I can email them? 

I sometimes feel stupid and needy when I try to speak with friends about my issues. Not because they don’t listen, since they listen and I believe they do try their hardest to help out. I just feel as though I’m adding to their issues, and that my issues are trivial compared to that they are going through. 

Exercise is okay in helping for short amounts of time. I try to attend a yoga lesson each week. Unfortunately it seems to put myself even more in my own head, but I’ll try to do more walking, hopefully it’ll work well.

thank you, that means a lot 

Cher_Alumni

Hi @SallyH

If you go on the NHS link in my earlier post and enter your GP details, it will take you to another screen where you can select 'refer yourself online'.  When you then move onto the referral form, I'd type in a free space that you would prefer initial contact via email.  If that fails and you are rung I'd tell the person that you find it a struggle and would rather communicate via email to begin with.  You won't be the first person to request this I'm sure.

Are you speaking with your GP regularly and having your medication reviewed?  I would stress to them how you feel right now.  They are there to support you too and could help around the facial acne and skin picking.

Your issues aren't trivial.  What we each have going on is the biggest thing to us and if I was your friend I've love to be there for you to help get you through this and listen.  Maybe just tell them a small thing to begin with and see how they react, it will probably surprise you.

Also, you mentioned impulsive spending on credit cards. I don't want you getting in debt with this so take a read of the Citizens Advice website around struggling with credit card debt if you feel there is potential for this to become a problem.

Take care of yourself, and yes I agree yoga is a god-send so if you can try and include that in your weekly activities 

Give us a shout if ever you want anyone to talk to, we are all here for you.

chiarieds

Hi @SallyH - I've read your posts a few times. You are not losing your mind, just going through a difficult time. Altho your parents are on holiday, & they have unfortunately not been receptive in understanding your issues in the least, perhaps them being at home helps in some way.

You're also trying to put on a brave face with your friends; be yourself; neither your issues nor theirs are comparable.

One of the hardest things I find is sometimes trying to still my mind. I tried meditation, but couldn't get away with it. I imagine yoga may be comparable in that you're still constantly 'thinking.'

Distraction, I find, does help, tho my mainstay each day is exercise. Try to get back into the things you enjoy such as your writing or painting, even if it's just for a short amount of time each day....perhaps just some preparation.

As far as your CV goes, Scope can help you with that, so worth pursuing. Please see: https://www.scope.org.uk/employment-services/ 

Would you also try this for me; it's something I use each night to help me get to sleep. It helps you relax, reduces stress, & can still the mind after a few minutes. Please see: https://www.guysandstthomas.nhs.uk/resources/patient-information/therapies/abdominal-breathing.pdf     Like everything, it does take a little practice, but does help.

As you will have seen, we're all here to support you, so please do chat here any time, & let us know how you're getting on.

leeCal

@chiarieds I have found it far easier to meditate by using breathing as my focus. Ie you count your out breath from one to ten and then start again from one to ten. If you lose count gently bring back,your thought to your breath and restart from one to ten. This is something one might build up to starting from say five minutes meditation. You should find that between thinking on your breathing and the sensation of breathing and the counting there should be no room for other thoughts and it becomes peaceful after a while. There should be no attempt to alter your natural rate of breathing but it will slow gradually by itself as you become calm. I hope this works for you as it does for me and I have suffered from overthinking and racing thought myself. ?

chiarieds

@leeCal - I think one thing we agree upon is that concentrating on your breathing, by whatever method, may help, & stop you 'thinking.' I don't like to count breaths in/out as this doesn't feel natural, rather concentrate on breathing correctly.

However I would be pleased to look at meditation again from what you say.... do you have some links?

leeCal

@chiarieds This first link leads to an article which appears to be about mindfulness but meditation can be a form of mindfulness and so the method within the article is relevant.

https://uhs.berkeley.edu/sites/default/files/article_-_five_steps_to_mindfulness.pdf

https://www.lionsroar.com/category/how-to/

chiarieds

Thank you @leeCal - that's an interesting article, & I do practice mindfulness. I also say that I practice the 'zen' of things, even washing up, so this is somewhat similar. It's more than distraction, but, as you say, being mindful whilst doing the distraction, or anything else.

There was an interesting book published a while ago, which we used to regularly sell in our secondhand bookshop called 'Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance' by Robert Pirsig; less about motorcycles, but about philosophy & so much more. This was one of that books that piqued my interest in being 'mindful.'

SallyH

@Cher_Scope , @chiarieds , @leeCal

I'm so sorry for the late reply, when I got home from work I had to do more cleaning then -after making myself food- I passed out on the sofa and woke up this morning. I must have been truly exhausted. 
My parents arrive home today while I'm out at work. I'm hoping they're there long enough before I am to quell any anger or annoyance at things I may have missed or done wrong. I put food in the slow cooker to try and at least give them something nice to walk in on. 

I did attempt to speak to my friends about what is going on, but I chickened out. Nothing to do with them at all, I just couldn't get it out and talk quickly went to speaking about Hurricane Sally happening in Florida at the moment. One of my friends said something that did make me smile though, which does seem a little off in the wake of a natural disaster. She said 'That makes two Sallys that are forces of nature'. I'm going to attempt to speak to them properly tonight or tomorrow. 

I'm going to try and get in touch with my GP about raising my dosage of antidepressants as I feel they may be the thing that's not working as well as they should. I've been on the same 20mg of Citalopram for maybe four years now. And I'm on 60mg of Elvanse so there's not all that much wiggle room with that. I have also taken your advice and referred myself to the nearest NHS therapy hospital thingy. I'll wait for a reply before I either keep looking for a private therapist or try another NHS one. 

As for the credit card, thankfully I should be okay on them. Virgin seems understanding about these sorts of issues and I haven't maxed it out or anything. I have removed it from my Apple Pay just to make sure it's not easy for me to just pay with that instead of my debit card. But I've put the citizen's advice bureau website as a bookmark on my computer should I fall further and need it. 

I haven't tried meditation in a long while. I used to use the guided ones by Headspace on their app as well as a few breathing things. I'll have a look at the links and try them again. Thank you for those suggestions. 

I got another call from Support to work, and still no email. I understand that I didn't tick that I have got a hearing issue, but that shouldn't be the only reason why emails are used. Phone calls for me are extremely hard to follow, which I explained in my email to them. But still they haven't seemingly been told this. Is there any way you or your colleagues, @Cher_Scope , could have a look into this? I understand at the moment they must be extremely over worked thanks to the rise in unemployment, but I feel the wording on the form makes the scheme somewhat inaccessible for those who have difficulty with phones but aren't living with hearing issues. 

I am stressing out about what awaits me when I get home tonight, but having people listen to me makes it feel a little more under control. 

leeCal

I got another call from Support to work, and still no email. I understand that I didn't tick that I have got a hearing issue, but that shouldn't be the only reason why emails are used. Phone calls for me are extremely hard to follow, which I explained in my email to them. But still they haven't seemingly been told this. Is there any way you or your colleagues, @Cher_Scope , could have a look into this? I understand at the moment they must be extremely over worked thanks to the rise in unemployment, but I feel the wording on the form makes the scheme somewhat inaccessible for those who have difficulty with phones but aren't living with hearing issues. 

@Chloe_Scope about this issue. 

SallyH

Thank you, @leeCal

Tori_Scope

I've chased up the Support to Work team again for you @SallyH, and they're having a look into it  

Tori_Scope

I'm sorry to hear that things have gotten worse for you @SallyH. 

That makes two Sallys that are forces of nature

I love this! 

It is really hard to speak to friends about this kind of thing. Could you perhaps copy what you put in your posts here and send it to them? You can edit bits out and add bits in if you want, but I think you've explained what's going on for you really well here. That being said, it's also totally okay to send a simple 'I'm not doing so well' message to your friends. There's no pressure to explain everything perfectly straight away, you can take your time and let them ask you questions that might make it easier to open up. Let us know how you get on.

Definitely speak to your GP! I'm glad to hear that you've made a self-referral too, that's a great step forward. Let's hope the waiting list isn't too long. 

Headspace have an article about ADHD and meditation that you might like to read. 

I'm glad things feel a little bit more under control. Keep venting here if you need to  

janer1967

Hi @SallyH I am sure even though it feels  like it that you are not losing your mind and you have explained your feelings really well here

I hope the advice given by others can give you some help I dont really have any words of wisdom for you but just to let you know we are here to chat anytime