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Hi, my name is Betty83955!

Betty83955Betty83955 Member Posts: 3 Listener
I am in a very difficult situation - I have been with my Partner for nearly 32 years - we have two children & have never married - he was diagnosed some years ago with Parkinsons & Dementia with Lewy Bodies.  My partner has a grown-up son from a previous marriage who I recently learnt has POA for if & whenever my partner becomes unable to make any financial & or decisions.

Without going into upsetting details - my partner is more than comfortably off & I have my 'bed & board' , hairdresser & dental checkups taken care of by him - but anything else I must provide for myself - my children who are now both working send me a little each month to help with any day-to-day expenses - I also have a zero hours waitress job - which occasionally I earn £100-£120 per month - being furloughed this has averaged out at £50 per month.  I have never had any regular housekeeping money to help make any savings - I have been advised under no uncertain terms that in the event of  my partners demise or being taken into care - I shall have to find somewhere else to live - whilst its been so devastatingly upsetting - I can see that his son will continue to exert his fathers coercive control - something that I've always accepted from his father but it is a very dark cloud on the horizon.

This Lockdown has made me look into things which I previously hadn't - my partner had always indicated that I would be 'taken care of' in any event - I had a house albeit 'on mortgage' when I met him, but I sold it with profit of £13,000 some 30 years ago (which I offered to give him the proceeds - he refused & I have never touched that money) - I brought the children up & never worked & had opted out of SERP's so have no State Pension when the time comes - I am 60 years old & my partner is 78.

Before initial Lockdown I have had to refuse several offers of work hours - due to having to take my partner to the Hospital, Doctors, various appointments etc & despite me having constant Fibromyalgia - I never like to let Work down - as whilst its hard & heavy work - it is a release from everyday caring.  I've been looking at the possibility of being eligible for Carers Allowance it would appear that my partner would have to claim benefits other than his State Pension - I cant honestly see him being agreeable to that.

If anyone has any advice I would be so grateful - I feel sinful in asking to be truthful - I'm fed & warm, have a roof-over-my head & feel so stupid that I never envisaged this state of affairs in my later years.  Thank you for reading - Take Care

Replies

  • janer1967janer1967 Community champion Posts: 5,199 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi and welcome I am sorry to hear about your situation it seems to me that you have an impossible situation to deal with. I understand the son having poa but surely you should be catered for in  the event after all you have 2 children together and also have looked after and cared for your partner . Is there a will  with any provision for you in ?

    I suggest you get some legal advice and now rather than later 
  • Cher_ScopeCher_Scope Administrator Posts: 1,888 Disability Gamechanger
    edited November 13
    Hello @Betty83955 and welcome to our online community.  Thank you for sharing your story, it sounds like you are in a particularly challenging situation and I hope we can help you find a way forward.  

    As @janer1967 mentioned, getting legal advice sounds like a sensible option.  You need to look after yourself in the long-term and ensure your security should anything happen to your husband.  You can get advice from your local Law Centre or you can find a list of other legal advice organisations on this Law Centre resource page.

    Please don't feel bad or sinful for posting about this, we are here to support you.
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  • poppy123456poppy123456 Community champion Posts: 21,164 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi and welcome,

    There's an awful lot going on here. Regarding the carers allowance question, unfortunately, your partner will need to be claiming a qualifying benefit such as Attendance Allowance or DLA mid/high rate care for you to be able to claim this.

    I would also 2nd the advice given above for you to seek expert advice from an advice agency near you because it's far too complex for any internet forum. This link will help find what's local to you.

    Community champion and proud winner of the 2019 empowering others award. This award was given for supporting disabled people and their families for the benefit advice i have given to members here on the community.
  • Betty83955Betty83955 Member Posts: 3 Listener
    Thank you everyone for your support & advice - I have given the legal route some serious thought in the past - but I am confident if I attempted to get some clarity regarding this issue - an almighty row would ensue - I have never chased any wedding ring but have conducted myself as his Wife & life partner & have cared for him to my very best - when I did try to get some answers to my queries I was told "I was nothing" & I know in the eyes of the law there is no such thing as 'common law' wife/husband) - which is fine -  but I do not feel strong enough to have 'you are nothing' levelled at me again at this present time.  It was just a thought that I could perhaps be recompensed in some little way for looking after him - when I lose money through having to say no to work.  Glad my question has been answered & I can put this to bed as have felt terrible by just posting my thoughts here - Take Care Everyone & Thank you again
  • Ross_ScopeRoss_Scope Administrator Posts: 1,361 Pioneering
    Welcome to the community @Betty83955

    Hope the above advice has helped :) 
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  • Cher_ScopeCher_Scope Administrator Posts: 1,888 Disability Gamechanger
    edited November 13
    @Betty83955 I'm sorry you received such a reaction in the past whenever you've broached the subject. 

    Please don't feel that you are doing anything wrong though by wanting to be financially secure.  It sounds like you have prioritised and cared for your partner for many years but don't forget your needs are equally as important.  Maybe you could consider seeking advice privately?

    Also, can I just check if you have anyone who is supporting you emotionally at this time?  It seems that you have been on the receiving end of some tough verbal exchanges and situations and its important that your wellbeing isn't neglected  <3  Please let us know if you need anyone to talk to.  We want to support you through this.
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  • Betty83955Betty83955 Member Posts: 3 Listener
    Thank you for those kind words - i think you have understood exactly my areas of concern - I spoke briefly with our Doctor who gave me some medication which whilst I've never taken such before - it would appear that it does help, as leaving them off reduces me to tears - The Doctor is as 'swayed' with my other half as anyone else - he comes across as such a gentleman which for most purposes he is - just 'old school' - when challenged he says that a fuss is being made out of nothing & when I say that I really do not think he is being fair - he replies 'well life isnt fair.  Cher I really musn't take up any more of yours or anyones time - I've had the answers to my question - I'm in a no win situation & I've got to pull my socks up & get on with it.  One day, hopefully, women & men alike will be treated as a 'couple' whether married or not if they have spent so many years together - it just seems so unfair that whilst I have never claimed for anything - if I did - it would seem fraudulent as I am living with a partner (& rightly so - my bed & board are taken care of) & I would justifiably be refused - but `as he says "life isnt fair". Take Care

  • poppy123456poppy123456 Community champion Posts: 21,164 Disability Gamechanger
    Contracting out of SERPS does not mean that you will have no state pension. Check your pension forecast here. https://www.gov.uk/check-state-pension I also contracted out but my pension corecast is telling me that i need another few years of NI contributions for a full state pension and i'm not 50 yet.

    Regarding benefits, if you've worked and paid the correct amount of NI contributions in tax years April 2017 to Match 2019 and your health is affecting you being able to work then you can claim New style ESA. You'll need a fit/sick note from your GP to claim this and it pays £74.35 per week. See link for information. https://www.gov.uk/guidance/new-style-employment-and-support-allowance
    Although if you're still currently working as PAYE then look at claiming SSP from your employer, which pays more than ESA would.

    Universal Credit is means tested so you would need to claim this with your partner. His state pension would be deducted £1 for £1 from any UC entitlement. If you own your own home though then your UC would likely reduce to zero but this will depend on his state pension amount. Savings/capital of more than £16,000 will exclude you from claiming.

    Attendance Allowance is a disability benefit for those of state pension age and above. Your partner maybe eligible to claim this. A successful claim would mean you could then claim the carers allowance, providing your earnings are less than £128 per week after deductions. https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/money-legal/benefits-entitlements/attendance-allowance/

    If you have a health condition yourself that limits your daily life then have a look at claiming Personal Independence Payment (PIP) it's a disability benefit paid to those aged between 16 and state pension. It's not awarded based on any diagnosis, it's how those conditions affect your ability to carry out daily activity based on the PIP descriptors. https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/sick-or-disabled-people-and-carers/pip/

    Please remember that you haven't taken up anyone's time by posting here, this is what we are all here for, to support each other. We are a very friendly community with NO judgements. It's not nice being all alone, so please just shout if you have any further questions with the advice i've given above and i'll happily give you more advice.

    Hope this helps :)






    Community champion and proud winner of the 2019 empowering others award. This award was given for supporting disabled people and their families for the benefit advice i have given to members here on the community.
  • Ross_ScopeRoss_Scope Administrator Posts: 1,361 Pioneering
    edited November 14
    Hi @Betty83955 and thank you for your reply. I'm glad the medication helps but it's a shame that your living situation has caused you to need it, you deserve much better.

    It must be hard to speak about all of these things so please don't apologise for taking up anybody's time, you are always welcome on this community. We will always listen.

    Could I just reiterate the information given previously in this thread about getting legal advice for your situation. Please consider this, as it may be something that would help. You can find information here about where you may find such advice near you.

    Secondly, if you ever need to talk to anybody about your situation, for example if you feel lonely, don't hesitate to contact Scope's helpline, the details for which are below:
    Phone: 0808 800 3333.
    Textphone: dial 18001 then 0808 800 3333.
    Calls are free from UK landlines and mobiles.
    Email: [email protected]
    The helpline is open Monday to Friday, 8am to 8pm. Saturday and Sunday, 10am to 6pm. And most bank holidays.]

    Also, if you ever feel as though you might be in danger of any kind, please contact 999 right away.

    I see you've been given some super benefits advice above, I hope it helps.

    If you ever need anything else, don't hesitate to ask on this community, we will always try to support you as best we can.
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  • Cher_ScopeCher_Scope Administrator Posts: 1,888 Disability Gamechanger
    edited November 21
    Hello @Betty83955

    I just wanted to check how you were doing and see if everything was ok?  Please let us know if you need any support or fancy a chat :)  Enjoy your weekend.
    Online Community Co-ordinator

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