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Disability and Relationships: Answering Questions, Busting Myths

htlcy
htlcy Community member Posts: 128 Pioneering

Continuing our sex and relationships theme, today we have a post about disability and relationships and the questions and myths around this.  The content may not be suitable for younger members.

Relationships: they can be a very complex thing. I don’t believe they’re an easy subject for anyone to navigate. From explosive, emotion-fuelled fireworks upon the first meeting, to the deepest, darkest bouts of heartache, relationships – particularly ones between you and a partner – can be some of the best, or worst, features of the human experience.

I’ve been quite fortunate to have several relationships. I’ve also experienced my fair share of heartache. But – despite this – I have found myself faced with some rather insensitive questions relating to relationships when one – or more – of the individuals are disabled.

I’d be lying if I said disability doesn’t complicate relationships. As with many things, disability has the potential to make things a little trickier. For instance, my partner is able-bodied. On the weekends, he has the energy to go on long walks, or endure busy days out. For me, on the other hand, I’m almost always far-too fatigued from the working week to do much more than go out for dinner, do the obligatory household chores and watch some rubbishy television.

But, apart from being a little sleep-and-pain-filled than most, the time I spend with my partner is just as fulfilling and rewarding as for anybody else. In the spirit of illustrating this, I’m going to bust some disability-related relationship myths. And yes, I really have been asked these questions, sometimes multiple times.

woman smiling to camera

You have a boyfriend/girlfriend [delete as appropriate]? Don’t they mind you being disabled?

Well, no. Because they’re a decent, non-ableist human being. And, whilst we’re on the subject, I think I’m a pretty good girlfriend, actually. Disabled individuals deserve love and support just like anybody else.

 

But you’re disabled. Don’t you think your boyfriend could do better?

Yes, I have had people say this to me. I’m never really sure what they expect me to say in response. This is just so incredibly insensitive: why would cerebral palsy make me any less attractive? This is one of those questions that is so incredibly harmful. We internalise these thoughts, and it takes time to undo them. I am just as worthy as the next person; I just wish I’d have realised this sooner and stopped listening to people when they said this sort of thing.

 

Can you...you know...be physical with each other?

Funnily enough, disability doesn’t erase those sorts of feelings. And besides, what’s it to you?

 

So your boyfriend must be disabled, too?

No...there isn’t a rule that states that disabled individuals must partner up with other disabled individuals. If it happens, it happens. And – shock horror – disabled individuals are just as diverse and beautiful as everyone else. There’s this awful idea that disability negates beauty, which of course, isn’t true at all. I’m really fed up of hearing questions like this because it masks so many ableist views. And – most importantly – why does it matter?

 

You’re going on a date: are you going to tell them you’re disabled?

I see this question so much on online support groups and forums. It shouldn’t really matter if somebody is disabled; f you like them, you like them. I’m usually upfront about my disabilities. I am proud of who I am, and know my disabilities are just another wonderful facet of my individuality. Asking somebody this is like saying ‘shouldn’t you warn them?’. It’s our choice to tell others: and, in my opinion, if an individual doesn’t like me – disabilities and all – I’m far, far better off without them.

 

So, there you go. A snapshot of some of the rude, ridiculous questions I’ve come up against when considering relationships and disability. It’s hard to believe that in 2017 we’re up against such ableist, intolerable views. If you’ve ever fallen foul of asking some of these questions, I’d like you to take the time to think about what it is you are saying. Considering that the disabled population is the largest minority group globally, isn’t it time we challenged these views and began to be more sensitive when discussing such issues? Relationships – with all of their ups and downs – happen whoever you are. And they’re wonderful, disability or otherwise.


Have you been asked awkward questions about your relationship? How do you respond to them? How does it make you feel? Share your experiences with us now.

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Comments

  • Sam_Alumni
    Sam_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 7,671 Disability Gamechanger
    Thanks so much for such a great post @htlcy

    Some people do ask the most ridiculous and inappropriate questions!! I know it is a different thing, but someone once asked my husband what it was like to have an indian wife... firstly, I am British, secondly, my heritage really bears no relevence to our relationship, thirdly, RUDE!  

    He also has people telling him in a jolly fashion how he must love curry...

    Since my surgery, it definitely seems to make people think they can ask me about my sex life!! I don't mind talking about things in the right context, but sometimes they just come out with the rudest questions!
    Scope
    Senior online community officer
  • 1BentSpine
    1BentSpine Community member Posts: 12 Connected
    In going on online dating sites, the first question I used to get once I told the fellow about my disability, was whether I was able to even have sex.  That kind of told me they were really only interested in the ntimate aspect of a relationnship, which is really sad.
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  • Markmywords
    Markmywords Community member Posts: 419 Pioneering
    Sam_Scope said:

    I don't mind talking about things in the right context, but sometimes they just come out with the rudest questions!
    It seems to me @Sam_Scope, that a small minority don't see the disabled as real people but as something "other."

    The same thing was and is done to ethnic minorities too.

    Very small toddlers also see others as just scenery in their universe of one. I think it's more than co-incidence ;)
  • Sam_Alumni
    Sam_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 7,671 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @htlcy,

    I've never had a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship, I'm not sure whether it's because of my personality or my autism. When I asked someone out in the past they always thought I was having a joke and got laughed at.

    All the people I know who have this type of relationship have a desire to have sex but I do not like the idea of having sex. Even though I was conceived by my parents having sex I think sex is disgusting, I don't mean any offense to anyone, this is just my opinion.

    Due to all others I know wanting to have sex I don't see myself having this kind of relationship. Something that my best friend said that confuses me is he loves sex because it's disgusting! He agrees sex involves rude and dirty activity and that's why he likes it. He has the same opinion as me.

    I don't know anyone else who doesn't want to have sex like me. On a fictional show there's a character called Sheldon Cooper who appears to have autism like me, he is not willing to have sex with others just like I'm not willing to.

    How many people in the real world don't like the idea of having sex but would like a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship?
     

    @PSHEexpert can you offer any thoughts to @DannyMoore ?
    Scope
    Senior online community officer
  • insomniachist
    insomniachist Community member Posts: 1 Listener
    great article. very on point. i've been disabled my whole life and asked all of these questions multiple times. i think it really boils down to it's different for everyone. no one disability or ability is the same for everyone. i've been with amazing men and had amazing sex and it has nothing to do with me but just society's ability to accept it
  • PSHEexpert
    PSHEexpert Community member Posts: 170 Pioneering
    Hi @DannyMoore!  Sorry for not responding yesterday as I was off delivering training all day.  I work in my day job at a college for young people aged 16-25, lots of whom are on the autism spectrum.  Listening to your feelings and opinions about sex, I don't think that's odd at all, and you might be interested to know that there are definitely others who feel this way, who may or may not be on the autism spectrum.  Not having an interest in sex is usually described as being asexual, and it's perfectly normal as a part of the diverse spectrum of sexual expression (or non-expression!).  Some people who are asexual still enjoy masturbating, but never want to share that experience or their body with anyone else.  Some don't have those feelings either.  What some people may not realise, though, is that being asexual doesn't necessarily mean you are automatically aromantic - so you may want a romantic relationship with someone, but not want to have sex.  That sounds like what you're describing - and just because it's not as common, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.  There are others who want romantic and partner relationships, but non-sexual ones.

    I know that there are networks and communities online of people who fall into the asexual spectrum.  I am not an expert on which ones are the most inclusive, etc, so I will do some finding out and hopefully post some links.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts - it's something which isn't talked about nearly enough, but which I seem to hear more and more about recently. Sheldon has been helpful in some ways, I think!
    - Gill 
  • [Deleted User]
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  • Sam_Alumni
    Sam_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 7,671 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @DannyMoore I found the Asexual Visibility and Education Network which is a website about asexuality that may be useful for you to look through?
    Scope
    Senior online community officer
  • Sam_Alumni
    Sam_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 7,671 Disability Gamechanger
    @VioletFenn do you have any thoughts on how @DannyMoore is feeling?
    Scope
    Senior online community officer
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,388 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello I would like to say all my life had problems with women.  I do not know how now to start a relationship.  The differculty is the disability in my opinion.  Also being on own a very long time and trusting someone who comes into your life.  I am of the age now looking at me as a whole cherishing and respecting the relationships I have.  In the past I had platonic relationships with women.  Which some turned into relationships that were serious.  Problem was they started turning into my mother.  Became abusive and controlling. Even violent.  So is that the fear inside of me finding someone like that again.  I am lonely but with support of a mental health charity who do a lot to encourage social contact with planned events.  I meet women in my groups and never feel anything for them in way to start a relationship.  I wonder is that a issue with my iilness ?  I like them as friends and have loads of time and care for them as  you would a friend would.  I see other people in a relationship who have children and do often say that could have been me.  I think I know am scared of being used by women as they did use me for my time and energy and support the children .  The usual things needs clothes, needs money for this and that.  Most of the children I met were through relationships young boys in a all female household.  So having that contact with me to talk and chat about anything as they grew up.  Was rewarding and I felt it was great they could turn to me for support.  So they are gone and lost contact what now.  The older gentleman in a world I find it increasly hard to understand and get frustrated.  How can I start again.  That is the issue seeing past the disability, having a sexual relationship.  Even having sex the fear of the disappointment because of last time.  The unnecessary critism and expecting me to be good in bed.  Having a history of addiction that scares me as I find it hard to get interested a polite term in when meeting a woman.  I have to just be calm and hope one day I met if and when I do some one without a long list of wants and needs in the perfect man as last time.  Thank you for those reading this being understanding and in the same predicament.
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  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,388 Disability Gamechanger
    Thank you for the wise words and comments much appreciated somebody understands.  The issue is with I agree what you say.  The problem is when I had the differculties with my relationships it is my mother who made the problem a struggle to cope with.  Not easy to live with when I am crying inside over a failed relationship and my mother all too critical and interfering.  The heart of the problem is not listening never ever listening to her son in all these years.  I know I have tried and been to a point but when somebody has a problem and is going through a tough time especially in a broken relationship.  Sitting down need to talk but she will not and could get what is happening.  So much so I had found out things and personal stuff disclosed to me later by someone else.  I ended up harming and hurting myself to the extreme of a life of addiction.  The constant pain and may I say lying and deceiving her son.  When and how I tried to think and cope with all my baggage and history.  In the end I had to make a decision to cut ties with all my family.  One of the other issues in the  family was my brothers all married women who realised they had married the wrong man.  Wanted to marry me instead.  I have my faith being a Christian and do believe in something will happen.  Love will happen to those who least expected I was told once.  I never go looking and always on a wing and prayer find some happiness one day.
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  • Topkitten
    Topkitten Community member Posts: 1,285 Pioneering
    Personally I have never believed in religion except as a way for some to create strife between different groups of people. There are always people who abuse their authority.

    To me a relationship should be based on openness, honesty and commitment. You have to trust the other person to be in a relationship with them. I find it difficult to understand why some people hide things about themselves and their background and yet still expect to have a meaningful relationship. How can you truly trust someone who hides important things from you? How do you know when they are telling the truth?

    I look at the modern world and see deceit, lies and selfishness everywhere and this alone puts me off trying to get into relationships again. However sex IS important to me but not in the common 'taking' way, in the 'giving' way. Whilst women appreciate it once they experience it I find it leaves me open to be taken advantage of. This happens and has happened frequently.

    I did go 8 years with absolutely no interest in women at all but this was a side-effect of the Tramadol I was taking. When I was switched to patches then the feelings returned but stronger than before. I have gradually got it all back to more normal levels but having missed out, as such, for such a long time it adds I suppose a desperation as I have little time left to explore this side of myself.

    As I am likely to be soon confined in a wheelchair I guess I will also have to field the questions instead of the odd looks I currently receive. As my ex-partner put it when I asked her about dating a guy in a wheelchair. She said "But you don't know how being like that would affect a sexual relationship and you cannot come straight out and ask at the start.".

    Perhaps if everyone was open about things it would make things simpler and more possible.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
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    edited September 2017
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  • iza
    iza Scope Member Posts: 703 Pioneering

    The Ten Commandments, also known as the Decalogue, found in the Ark of the Covenant are:

    1. I am the Lord your God, You shall have no other God before me.
    2. You shall not use the Lord's Name in vain.
    3. Remember to keep Sabbath day holy.
    4. Honour your father and mother.
    5. You shall not commit murder.
    6. You shall not commit adultery.
    7. You shall not steal.
    8. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
    9. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife.
    10. You shall not covet your neighbor's goods.
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,388 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello thank you all for the comments and I understand what you are all saying thank you.  It is a comfort to hear words that resonate loudly.  I do believe in being open and honest in every relationship I had over the years.  I do find it differcult to discuss matters around relationships.  Which I am truly grateful to discuss here because I need to share what is happening.  Writing it all out and seeing it the problem written I had a restless night because even I need to discuss what is going on.  The memory is still there.  Please can I make a comment about my faith.  I do this privately and do not get involved in a church or the community around the church.  It is a choice I had to make and just use the bible and passages to be words of comfort and learning.  It helps me when and if I need it.  Also I do think myself this is my one fault I am vunerable to being in relationships who see me as easy walk over to get what they want.  I fall for the hidden and the deceitful histories of any woman I had a relation ship with.  How and why puzzles me and I know they are hurting me.  In the end they trip themselves up so much that they end up being in a state that they have to leave.  It all ended up taking out on me that is very upsetting still.  Trust again how can I?
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  • Topkitten
    Topkitten Community member Posts: 1,285 Pioneering
    I still don't see the link between faith and relationships other than the obvious fact that people with a strong faith should look for a relationship with someone equally strong in the same or similar faith. My last relationship would have been a strong one had I not become ill and yet neither of us had any strong religious feelings at all.

    The rules of relationships and faith are in no way similar in fact the rules of law are closer to faith. The problem with a strong faith is that it actually puts the other person one step further down the ladder in terms of importance as faith supersedes the relationship. That's why I have never considered getting into a relationship with someone with strong faith, and never would.

    I don't wish to appear to be telling anyone that they shouldn't have their own beliefs because I am quite happy for anyone to believe anything they feel strongly about. All I am saying is that whilst I don't wish to influence any persons faith neither do I want them to influence me or my beliefs. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and beliefs. It is wrong to imply though that any persons opinion is more important than anyone else's. If someone believes that faith helped them then I am fine with that. I don't agree though that the same applies to anyone else necessarily and that, by implication, to not have faith will make relationships more difficult.

    There are no commandments regarding being open with or being committed to another person. Telling lies is only covered by a general "don't tell them" which is not the same as being honest in a relationship. Also, telling white lies technically not only breaks a commandment, it also breaks the relationships "honesty" rule.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • alix
    alix Community member Posts: 1 Listener
    I have never found Facebook any good way of meeting the write kind of person to the point where they want to take advantage of yours disabilities. I have a learning disabilities, and people only want money, marriage, kids or them and sex. And the police won't do anything about these people they will only tell you to block them and delete them. So just be friends them and there are no simple information about how to report it 

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