Employment and Support Allowance (ESA)
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I cant keep up.

For my decade of working life I have been in various jobs, I want to work of course but each job has expected more from me that I can physically and mentally give even with knowledge of my disability and initial accommodation. It's starting to get me really down and I wonder where I fit in life and what I actually want from it.

Brain damage has affected the right hand side of my body and while I can walk and do the majority of things one handed, if I am overwhelmed I seize up very painfully and I lose my ability to think clearly, everything goes hazy and surreal.

My current job is at a petrol station, I enjoy it when everything goes right. All my colleagues are understanding and accommodating but when it is me and my manager on shift (there is only ever two people on shift) I can guarantee a hellish evening. I am pushed beyond my limits, I end my shift struggling to walk, I make stupid mistakes because I am rushed and then condemned for messing up. I cannot work at the rate she wants us to work and I am now feeling I should look elsewhere for employment because I feel useless and have been made to feel like I am being lazy and stupid.

Trouble is I don't even know where to start, I feel like I have to initially hide my disability because I feel it betters my chances of employment and in this world of high productivity I feel like I am a burden on any place which takes me on when I get paid the same as everyone else who has to work their arses off.

Writing this felt good, but I also realise I havent really asked a proper question. After reading this does anyone have any advise? 

Thank you.


  • MarkmywordsMarkmywords Member Posts: 418 Pioneering
    Ask yourself if any of those others would want to swap situations with you.

    It's perfectly natural to feel inadequate especially as you are being bullied at work. However, it's an employer's place to decide if you are suitable and profitable, not yours.

    I've found it best to say nothing about disability at application stage. Then if an interview is offered, bring it up there up so you can explain and discuss it on your terms.
    This all assumes that you've applied for a job you can actually do.
  • CockneyRebelCockneyRebel Community champion Posts: 5,259 Disability Gamechanger
    edited October 2017
    Hi and welcome

    There is no excuse for your managers behaviour, this is both bullying and discriminatory.
    You should get trained advice and I would urge you to ring the Scope help line or contact the CAB

    Be all you can be, make  every day count. Namaste
  • TopkittenTopkitten Member Posts: 1,263 Pioneering
    It is hard to accept disability especially when it affects our working ability but it does sound like you are doing a job that you aren't really capable of doing. I don't mean to be cruel but you must find something to do that your body can cope with better.

    I understand the opinion of retaliation and complaints but those won't help your situation nor will it make it easy to continue to work in paid employment. Taking issue with employers over their treatment of you, even when completely justified, has a habit of following you around like a cloud.

    I had to stop working at the age of 49 and, apart from 2 or 3 years working unpaid for Oxfam, haven't worked since. I miss it and the positive aspect it has on life to feel useful. I have simply had to accept that the suffering it caused wasn't worth it. I would also have to have gone through similar problems with employers that you do now.

    I'm afraid that when our body tells you enough is enough you must accept it and try to move on and find other interests. It's difficult for men though as we are taught from a young age that it's our purpose in life to work and earn money for ourselves and our families.

    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
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