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LONELINESS A CRISIS

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  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,388 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @steve51 Thank you for supporting me today.  Sorry did not get back earlier .  Trying to cope with household chores plus had a pressing engagement my joke the ironing.  That has helped also my soul music and radio to whittle away the hours.  As I have said the issue is not only finding places to socialise that I can interact with.  It is also the patience and tolerance of people.  No one to face to face what is going on.  Why walk away I am talking to you ?This being Wednesday the bloke I met while shopping he started the chat.  At least here you do not walk away or at least got a response.  Here is something I forgot to put.  I started going back to Church organisations last year.  Thought give it one more try.  Ended up again alone.  Sitting on my own I thought do I smell is my killer deodorant.  I calmly walked out.  None response.  I tried my very best to interact.  I did not want to be pushy or introduce myself.  I just thought as I sat some one will come and sit at this table or near this chair.  Supposed my luck spoke about this before.  Doing nothing wrong just getting ignored.  I also one year did Crisis at Christmas being a civil sort of guy home alone on the day.  Volunteered at this centre dishing out grub for the homeless and the families on low incomes.  Any way this year found out according to sources nearly £30 if you wished to assist.  I am sorry I do not mind helping but am on not much.  Last time a Church organisation went to help in the kitchen.  This being a while back wanted my help no more interested who I can pick up.  Did not mind but it was a struggle and then I had no Christmas Lunch because they forgot me.  I had to ask for a bite had nothing to eat.  All the people who I picked up did not want to go home.  More interested in finding the next pub and expected me to follow suit.  I said this the name of the organisation will not approve do not do that sort of thing.  Well they wont know.  I went home and no feedback so I just gave that idea up.  I still practise my faith but that is the well one of the reasons I do not get involved with the church.  You can see I am hurting I mean this not right is it.  One final point something has to change.  I do not know how though if their are so much self centred and people who want to use you.  What can I do ?
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  • Neil2017
    Neil2017 Community member Posts: 155 Courageous
    Hi @thespiceman
    Agree with you nobody seems to have much time and at times or in places even next door neighbours do not know each other. It’s either that or your ignored. I was on a train once early in the morning and it was so quiet. Like everyone was in there own personal zone of zombie mode!

    @CockneyRebel

    so that’s What happened to Widow Twanky from Aladdin this year. Twanging rubber bands in your computer!! I read somewhere that Apple is sublimely trying to faze out ‘the computer’ from latest adverts. Rubber band power could make a comeback in concert any time soon or that could be stretching the puns ;) 


  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,388 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Neil2017 Thank you for replying.  How are you?  Just all I have to say is thank you for support.  You story about the train being in zombie mode.  What is even worse all on mobiles and these small computers tablets is it.  My favourite story is something similar I am in a café at a table seat in front of me empty no one want to sit in front of me.  All I saw were people trying to find a empty table and the next person doing the same.  Till all tables full.  Getting glares and stares because n one want to sit in front of the disabled guy.  Only left a minute to get something like cutlery had jacket on back of chair.  Turned around my coat on a trolley holding trays and the waitress saying my number.  Well I was here and the two people saying I was not.  Can you believe it unfortunately for them the café staff knew me.  He was here.  Found my self in a pickle and dreadful state.  As I am not one to argue with idiots.  Do not want to go to their level.  Had to stand and wait till table free.  I hope to speak to you soon
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  • steve51
    steve51 Community member Posts: 7,153 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @thespiceman

    Thanks, don’t worry about earlier I have been very busy myself today. 

    I’m so sorry to hear that you are having such a bad time but please let me know how I can help you ????

    This site is the business & it has given me something to fulfill my days. 

    It also gives me a “purpose in life” 

    I have always wanted to do something like this !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Many thanks.
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,388 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @steve51 Thank you for replying.  How are you today?  I read what you said.  I am up and down with moods this is a common trait.  I know I am grateful for you and others for reading my blogs is that the right term.  I think I am just appreciated for reading anything.  I like to build a rapport with yourself and hope we can help each other.  In the quest for acceptance as disabled people in a world that does not have time for us.  I would just say thank you for answering anything I write on the forums.  I see that their are a number of us who have stimulating debates.  We all get a reply from the SCOPE team and the rest thank you.  I am at present being yes I write about being on my loneliness.  I wanted to share and wished to know how others cope.  I just reading what I have said and it is upsetting and not at all what I expected my life to be.  I do not think anybody would.  I would not be self centered and would appreciate anything I write to be a response.  Sometimes being lonely and trying to talk I sit the silence is deafning.  Just need to write and share anything I write.  Also the big issue is that.  I have days that need to be fulfilled but end up being days of emptiness.  I was never like this all of us have families all of us had friends all of us had have experiences and joys of relationships. Suddenly by the time I was in my forties all gone.  Why I think about it daily one of the things caused irrevocable damage and unnecessary harm was my mothers relationships with any one who called me.  When you live with someone who is a jealous person and controlling the evitable erosion of friendship would crumble.  Why would anybody call ?  If you experience the person like my mother receiving the call making a simple phone call into a nightmare from hell.  I would hear about it from them, my friends telling me if your mother talks about me like that again.  Well one person can not take that.  I have met several friends from my past recently and they were all scathing of my mother.  Tried to reconcile too far gone.  They have married or divorced got children, grandchildren.  Do not want to know.  This always on my mind.  Now I got and have therapy over the last twenty years or so but nothing is working.  Most people I talk to have had similar backgrounds and when I talk about it they get angry themselves or get flustered.  Some do not believe what went on.  Had happy childhoods.  So they think that I am making things up and when I try to talk try to make me guilty.  It is my fault.  I tell them why am I lying it is truth me being Christian and all that.  That is all I want a voice somewhere to talk and chat and debate.  Being disabled and ill mental illness is not easy.  So that is the sort of things I need to discuss.  I will give my true opinion and views of anything.  I will need and some one to listen.  At the same time listen to you. Thank you all for time.
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  • steve51
    steve51 Community member Posts: 7,153 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @thespiceman

    Thank you very much for your post. How are you this morning ???

    I had further stomach surgery in October.
    not great at the moment.

    Yes it’s fine to chat but we really need to do it through our “Wall”

    Have you managed to
    find this???

    Please please let me me know if I can help you with this ??!
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,388 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @steve51 Thank you for replying.  Sorry not too good today get a lot of pain in legs and arms.  I am suppose OK but it is the pain just gets to me.  No matter how many meds.  I did not know about this wall as you call it .  Yes I be grateful if you can help me with this.  I do not know what that is.  Anyway I note you not good as well.  Sorry about that.  My problems minor compared to yours.  Hope you can help ?  I know I need to chat could be useful.
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  • JennysDad
    JennysDad Community member Posts: 2,299 Disability Gamechanger
    edited February 2018
    Hello @thespiceman Good to 'meet' you :)

    Like you, I know about loneliness. I am not disabled myself, but I was dad to a very, very disabled little girl until she passed away, and I felt often deeply ashamed and angry at the way the 'abled' reacted to her and to her many disabled friends.

    For the four and a half years of her very difficult life she was the centre of my world and my and her mother's life was focused on hospitals, doctors, and nurses, and on the friends we made through her, almost all of them parents of disabled children and the children themselves. We, too, faced the endless struggle when it came to finding respite and obtaining necessary benefits. When she died, of course, we suddenly had no need of hospitals, doctors and nurses, and around the time of her death a lot of our friends kind of fell away. It was rather as if her death might be infectious :) Even the main charity supporting bereaved parents was of little use to us. Jenny, my daughter, had been seen as 'different' by the able all her life, and that carried through even into her death. We were two, then (and a bit - her brother had been born just 3 months before she passed away) but about 18 months after Jenny's death her mother walked out, leaving me alone with my son.

    I have never known a lonelier time.

    Single, losing all those medical associates and so many of our friends, needing to earn a living and raise my son, I drifted away from the world of disability. That was about 25 years ago now, and when I did think back I sort of assumed that medical and social progress meant that things must have been getting better. Then, ten years or so ago, I started working with Autistic Spectrum children in a local high school and began to realise that things had not got any better at all. They had become, if anything worse. And that's really why I'm here, hoping to help others through Scope.

    So I've told you a good bit about myself. Being so new I don't yet know much about you and would be very glad to chat with you and learn more. From what you've said, we may not share much in our taste for music. I listen mostly to classical music and film scores. But if you can tell me the names of some of your favourite pieces, or let me have Youtube links, I can give yours a listen so we could chat about it. My other interests include movies, history, writing, natural history, photography, art and creating learning resources, particularly on computer.

    Any of that sound interesting to you?

    And of course there's b****y Christmas to talk about :) All those godawful ads and music, all the focus on shopping and 'things' - bright new things that we none of us really need.

    A long post, sorry :) Take care of yourself out there.

    Richard
  • steve51
    steve51 Community member Posts: 7,153 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @thespiceman

    I’m so sorry to hear that you are having a bad day!!!!!!

    Yes I have right sided pain 24/7. 

    You will be able to hear me rattling along.

    I’m also on stronger patches 
    than the “Morphine” ones.

    I didn’t know that there was stonger ones????

    They are a real pain as you have to change them every 4 day’s.

    Pleasr please let me know when you are feeling better and I will go through our “Walls”

    Dont worry it’s really really easy!!!!!

    I will help you at every step.
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,388 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @RichardVR Pleased to meet you and thank you for your reply. Thank you for sharing your story.  I wrote the blog on Loneliness because I had to talk about what is going on.  I had a amazing response.  I find that it spreads all aspects of our community.  Pleased to meet you and I hope you can find solace and comfort in any of the stories that come on the forum.  I know it has been hard and difficult for you.  I find the people I talk to here can be a source of comfort and can rest my mind all the time of worries and frets and the days untold downers that I get.  The team Scope responses to help and advice is fantastic and very informative.  I have found out a load of information and advice I would have not got anywhere else.  My own personal story is laid out for everyone to share and comment.  I joined in Summer and I need to talk.  Today not too good but I have some time well a lot of time to talk.  Fighting the pain today.  Sorry about this.  Get a lot of pain most days plus with Christmas not helping getting too near.  Sorry too long sentences again.  I had a rest and stopped for a little while today.  Taken some meds to kick in now.  This is helping to talk. What about me well I am in my early fifties, disabled from birth.  Have an addiction history clean now eleven years next yr.  Every day hard.  Have mental issues from it.  Like well I do like classical music and opera mainly the Italian stuff.  Also into the soul scene northern and motown  Call me the the spiceman because use herbs and spices for my health benefits.  Please if you would like to visit at your leisure any of the debates I contributed to this forum.  You will see my interests plus the other stuff like the way we are as a community perceived by the country.  My political and social comments on the country that mistreats us.  I am a Christian and do not go to a Church practise my faith on my own.  I am interested in other stuff bit of an anorak on movies from the forties and fifties film noir.  M.G. M musicals and the early history of TV and collecting.  Ran own business up and own country selling and buying.  Often go off on one like a rant.  Latest one Christmas.  See my contributions if you wish to.  I think that's it. I know there is too much but that is me.  In this week so far seen no one .  Speak to only people here.  In fact I think being nearly two weeks seen none.   Best wishes and take care. 
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  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,388 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @steve51 Thank you mate Please I will contact you.  Just given out long piece to someone new.  Sorry Please can I speak to you later.  Getting tired.  Will talk to you.  Unless you can give steps here how to do walls then I can do it.  Might help others who in similar position.  Hope you OK.  Thanks for looking out for me Take Care.  Thank you again.
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  • JennysDad
    JennysDad Community member Posts: 2,299 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello again @thespiceman Really good to hear from you and about you, though I am sorry you're in pain. I've always got an ache or two as a result of malformed feet, but they're obviously nothing in comparison with what you are going through.

    I've read this post, Loneliness in a Crisis, of course, and will be looking out for more of your writing. I've joined Scope as a 'community champion' (I think it's called) and am not much in need of support myself, other than friendship (which is always welcome!). The tough stuff happened for me a quarter of a century and more ago, so it is very much in the past now.

    Movies of the 40s and 50s? That makes me think: "The Maltese Falcon", "Casblanca", "Arsenic and Old Lace". Lovely stuff. Not so much a fan of the musicals, though "Carousel" has a very special place in my heart.

    I am a novelist, too, and am researching the Victorian era with a view to setting a novel in the period. It is staggering to see how closely the bigotries and prejudices of the Victorian era have been recreated by our modern politicians. Staggering and profoundly sad. I live within a 50 minute rail journey of London and am up there quite often, and it is horrible to see the number of people huddled up in doorways because they've nowhere to sleep. Being Christmas only seems to make it all feel worse.

    I am sorry you seem to be spending so much time alone and wish there was something I could do and say that might help. I can only tell you I'm here and listening, and very, very glad to know you.

    Richard
  • steve51
    steve51 Community member Posts: 7,153 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @thespiceman Don’t worry about the wall at this stage as we are doing fine to date. Please please let me how you feel???????
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,388 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @RichardVR Thank you for kind reply.  I did not know that That is excellent being a champion for SCOPE.  Great I hope you find everybody grateful and supportive.  I just let you know OK today well just plodding along.  There has been days most of them have pain.  It is a fact of life.  Seeing that others have similar reading there stories.  I do not want to make a fuss.  Being the way I am.  Just helps having to talk about it.  People do not understand that loneliness causes pain and things that I see and hear from people stories.  Like yours you have pain of bereavement and I get upset and feel for you.  I had in my life met single mothers who had children suffering from illness and all sorts of diseases.  This is when I was in hospital and even when I left kept in touch.  Helped out much as I could.  I do understand what they all went through.  I pray for you and I pray still for them.  Coping was the hardest trauma of losing a child is I do know seeing my friends go through the pain.  I was always there to help much as I can.  What happens is they and me somehow lost touch and they sort of drifted away.  I tried to cling on for any support they needed.  They just sort of moved away and on with their lives.  It was a loss to me as I did my best to be a friend.  All I have is memories.  I am sorry if I bought that up I know memories can be painful.  I thought explain I do understand.  Any way yes all the movies bought up Casablanca, Maltese Falcon etc all classics.  Film Noir is called that because the films were black and white and filmed most of the time at night time.  Classics my favourite Double indemnity which the star of all these movies genre man meets women who falls in love , kills her husband, for insurance money, then he gets framed or killed by her or someone else.  These all good to watch good soundtracks.  Trying to get on DVD can not find them.  Channel called Talking Pictures has a load of these sorts every day.  Seeing what you said a novelist well the best with that.  Lots of research When it is published let the community know or myself.  Great to talk I see also the connections between this society and the Victorian Era.  When I was buying and selling stuff always met a lot of the homeless.  Begging for money.  All the dealers ignored them, I ended up saying buy you coffee or tea and a sandwich.  Because many would just spend the money on ciggies or booze or drugs.  Soon as they accepted you used to hang around fairs waiting for me.  Many sad stories.  I hope you be OK with Christmas coming.  Thank you Hope to speak to you soon best wishes.
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  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,388 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @steve51 Thank you.  Yes I hope you OK Have been talking as you can see new people to the forum.  Giving my support to them and being interested in there lives and stories.  I am today up and down mood wise.  Christmas blues I fear the day is always bad day.  This is helping.  Had pain in the legs last night not too bad today but it always varies.  How are you hope you taking it easy.  Thank you for support thank you
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  • kazzab68
    kazzab68 Community member Posts: 1 Listener
    hi I'm karen I also don't talk to my parents or 2 of my boys I miss seeing my grandchildren but the more I try the more they seem to hurt me I nearly died last week I thought that might make them sort this all out but no instead just caused me more heart ache I feel such a failure and no good for my own grandchildren I'm registered bind and have other medical problems I just don't want to feel empty any more or worthless but it's so hard I have tried to take my own life 4 times all because how I feel I have no one who understands or willing to talk about this with sorry I am going on 
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,388 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @kazzab68 Pleased to meet you.  Welcome.  I am here to listen as many of community are.  Thank you for sharing.  No one can understand what you are going through.  This is a message of support and I hope you can find solace.  Please do go on have a rant it is always OK.  This is what I do.  I have to I also appreciate your honesty about what you have been though.  If you feel like a rant or want to talk I am here.  I will answer anything you want.  Please I hope you take care and if wish to talk am here.  I had these feelings of being empty and being worthless.  What helped this is helping.  Being part of this community.  Also finding support and trying to move on every day.  I hope and pray for you best wishes
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  • JennysDad
    JennysDad Community member Posts: 2,299 Disability Gamechanger
    Lovely to hear from you, @thespiceman Don't worry at all about raising memories for me, it is all a very, very long time ago now. I have allowed myself to grieve and even helped myself by watching movies or listening to particular pieces of music that I know will always help me to cry. My life and working experience have brought me into contact with Autism, Cerebral Palsy and other things which I am hoping will help me to be useful here, but I am extremely lucky and I know it. Aches and pains I may have, from time to time, but I have nothing myself that could begin to count as a 'disability'. And I am so very fortunate in that. I don't know how so many people actually cope, and I respect and honour them for doing so. I respect you, too, for being such a good friend.
    Double Indeminity! Fred MacMurray and Barbara Stanwyck! Love that movie, though I don't think it is in my collection.And you're right, "Talking Pictures" is a great channel, yet somehow my TV seems to have lost the digital channel. When I look it tells me to re-tune, and though I've re-tuned pretty much everything in my time I cannot find the re-tuning mechanism on my set. 
    Does your interest in movies include Hitchcock? Particularly the early ones?
    23rd of December already, the two big days just ahead, and it really is a pain, isn't it? I am sorry it gets you down, but I entirely understand.
    It is really good to hear from you and I hope the pain is not too bad today. I'll be checking in over Christmas, so don't hesitate to chat if you feel like it.
    Best
    Richard
  • JennysDad
    JennysDad Community member Posts: 2,299 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello Karen @kazzab68, and welcome to our community.

    I am really, really sorry to hear that you are suffering so much, and I understand the yearning to 'end it all'. I've been at that point many times in my life but am still here. If I can help, I am perfectly willing to talk about these things with you.

    Most importantly, you are not 'worthless'. If you were, I and others in the community would not be here :) and we DO actually care. I'm going to try to find you someone better qualified to help you, but in the mean time I am here and listening. Perhaps you could share some more information on why you feel so very bad?

    There are more stars in the heavens than there are people on Earth, and seeing so very many up there we might think "Well, what would it matter if one of them, one of so many, went out?" The truth is, of course, that if you get close to it that star is absolutely enormous. It may be the sun to a planet on which life exists or is evolving. So if that star 'went out' the real repercussions - which we cannot see from here - would be absolutely enormous. Your life is like that. You are a star. You cannot begin to know how big a void would be created if you were not here to fill it. Trust me.

    I wish you well, Karen, and hope we will hear from you again soon. Take care, and talk to us about anything we might be able to do to help.

    Best
    Richard
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,388 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @RichardVR Thank you. Yes great to talk.  Thinking about the horrible days ahead.  My TV off too much Yes early Hitchcock.  Another useless film fact used Chocolate in the shower scene of Physco.  Always have favourite actors and actresses like James Stewart who did four movies and Tippi Hedren.    TV not too good sorry about that.  I wonder if it is possible to look at the TV booklet you get they usually have a helpline number.  I once did a stupid silly thing rang this lad around the corner from me.  Had similar problem, he was a TV repair guy  Cost me £75.  Stung me and me in those days not that good.  Being the way I was then.  Ever since then always cautious from anybody I have to do anything in the property I rent.  I rent a Housing Association Property.  So they do a lot of things like boiler and electrics.  Worry about saterlite and other things been a target in past.  Nice to talk to you and catch up soon take care my friend
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