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"You don't look disabled"?

Hi everyone!
I had an interesting disscution with my son a few weeks ago. And I wanted to see if other disabled people, have had similar experiences.
For those who don't know me.
I've only been disabled for just over 2 years now.
I'm proufoundly deaf and also have pheripharal neuropathy, spasms, ataxia, virtigo, non specific vascilitus, anxiety, stress and depression.
I also need to use a wheelchair when i go out.
I was out on my weekly day out, with my husband and my son, when i noticed 3 women talking.
One of the women looked straight at me, roll her eyes and shuck her head.
She then said something to the other women, then they also turned, looked at me and did the same.
I did look around to see if they was maybe looking at something else (but they wasn't).
I was quite upset and angry about this, and asked my husband if he had seen them doing it? "He said no"
My son then said "it's proberbly because you don't look disabled"?
I said "well what does a disabled person look like"?
He said I don't think that, but I bet they do.
I said so it's more acceptable, if people can see your disability?
Then I started thinking is it them or is it me with the problem?.
Do disabled people judge other disabled people on there appearance?
I really hate the word "invisible disabilitys" because it's like I'm saying my disabilitys are not real.
Maybe I should of gone up to the women and asked if there was something wrong?
What would you have done in my situation?
Thanks for any replys
I had an interesting disscution with my son a few weeks ago. And I wanted to see if other disabled people, have had similar experiences.
For those who don't know me.
I've only been disabled for just over 2 years now.
I'm proufoundly deaf and also have pheripharal neuropathy, spasms, ataxia, virtigo, non specific vascilitus, anxiety, stress and depression.
I also need to use a wheelchair when i go out.
I was out on my weekly day out, with my husband and my son, when i noticed 3 women talking.
One of the women looked straight at me, roll her eyes and shuck her head.
She then said something to the other women, then they also turned, looked at me and did the same.
I did look around to see if they was maybe looking at something else (but they wasn't).
I was quite upset and angry about this, and asked my husband if he had seen them doing it? "He said no"
My son then said "it's proberbly because you don't look disabled"?
I said "well what does a disabled person look like"?
He said I don't think that, but I bet they do.
I said so it's more acceptable, if people can see your disability?
Then I started thinking is it them or is it me with the problem?.
Do disabled people judge other disabled people on there appearance?
I really hate the word "invisible disabilitys" because it's like I'm saying my disabilitys are not real.
Maybe I should of gone up to the women and asked if there was something wrong?
What would you have done in my situation?
Thanks for any replys
Replies
I know too well how upsetting this can be and that you have to question yourself. If they were talking about you then clearly they have nothing better to do. I've learnt over time to just focus on who I'm with, when I first became disabled, I'll admit, I was extremely paranoid that everybody was either staring at me or talking about me. I'm always here if you need a chat xx
Hi
“You don’t look disabled”!!!
Yes Bev bear this phrase almost every day !! I have been disabled now for almost twenty years so I am well versed with that phrase .
I have all four limbs and can stand upright for short periods but I don’t look disabled!! When you think about it it has to be the most stupid phrase ever uttered ! It must be a throwback to the time disabled people had parts missing I think !
I did a training session once for Council employees on disability . My party trick was to get out of my wheelchair and sit on a normal seat next to it . When they came into the room I asked them who was disabled . Everyone said the person who uses that chair. So I slid across the seat and sat in the wheelchair and asked the same question . The looks on their faces was priceless. So when I am in the chair I am disabled get out of it I am not because I don’t “look” disabled
I have to confess I don’t know what a disabled person looks like either because we are all different and have different disabilities . Some are visible and some are invisible .
Its the staters ignorance Bev and you have to learn to ignore it . No matter where you go there is always one ignorant person and they are not with worrying about it . Those close to you know and so do you and that’s all that matters # developthickskin!!
In time you’ll notice that they look over your head height rather than look at you !!
After all I have known you most days you send me supportive messages and may I add very grateful.
Understanding why people are talking about you is never ever in my view. Not respectable and well rudeness and ignorance. No body likes this.
I once went out on a date with a lady who had problems. With every body looking and saying untold things and just being unpleasant. She was an attractive blonde. So she found me. Probably the last choice. Anyway her story was every time going out they the whispers the other women would comment on her.
Her looks, her figure and every thing else. So went to a crowded restaurant. Her in panic mode there all talking about me. She hollered can not stand it.
No it not you there looking it is me. Why ? Got them thinking has it not. How a good looking lad he says . Lad with a disability getting the girl of his dreams. End of story.
The point being no matter how you look and what you are. There are those in society who see faults and cracks and worse make a judgement on others.
I have met lots of people with disabilities, illness who have mental health issues . Mainly anxiety and how others perceive them to be.
Even my good self . Had this in my head and the feeling of others were being hurtful and full of spite. Then I realised it is OK to be the way we are. Need acceptance. So now I still get the odd comment from people but there again.
Then I realised that I was wasting time and energy talking, thinking about them and how much harm it is doing to me. One time arguing with them. Yes I thought why.
I always say walk a mile in my shoes...
Speak soon
@thespiceman
Thank you so much for your kind words of support.
Hi @Charli
Your husband is very lucky to have you.
It's such a shame we have to deal with ignorant people.
I'm not use to this feeling of vulnerability and feeling scared to leave my home. I do hide behind my hat, so that I can hide (Sad really).
@Ami2301
Hi sweetie good to hear from you. Hope you and the family are doing ok.
I do try to ignore them, I just get so angry.
My husband says people don't look at me as much as I say they do? I beg to differ on that.
Hi @DavidJ
That's awesome! Something I would of love to have done to get a reaction.
20 years WOW I've only been going through this for 2 years. I suppose you have to develop hard skin, it's just a shame we need too.
My daughter's school as arranged for scope, to go into her school and talk about all disabilitys.
I think more schools should educate children.
Hi @thespiceman
Thank you for being so supportive and helping me.
As you know I do struggle with my anxietys.
I just have to learn how to except, that people are critical of everyone not just me.
I like the bit, were you told her they were all talking about you.
That's because you are an "Italian stallian" 😉
Thanks everyone
Bev x
All is well and good thank you, hope you and your family are keeping well too
I know exactly what you mean, Ewan used to say the same to me and in time I realised I was focusing more on people who I didn't know and caring more about what they think when I should have been focusing on myself. I know it's easier said than done but their opinions don't matter, you are a beautiful and strong woman! ❤️
mine is -well at least when they are talking about me they are leaving someone else alone !!
@bevt2017
I hope all goes well at your daughters school. Pity the parents can’t sit in on it , but it’s a start .
My Cup is always half full never half empty . Where we are concerned I always remember that there are nice people out there too but being nice doesn’t sell newspapers ! Only bad news does .stay positive and enjoy life everyone
What DOES a disabled person look like??
I need help with this because I don’t know !! Do you ?
Awww thanks sweetie 😀
The family is great thank you.
Ewan is right! I need to ignore the negativity.
My husband always says, my bladder is to near my eyes lol.
Great work your doing in the community by the way.
It's good to have you back ♥️
Hi @Markmywords
I don't think I could do that lol
My husband was verbally attacked once.
We was in a shop, when my husband asked a women if we could get by.
She was fumming and gave my husband a dirty look. When he appologised and said thank you, she shouted at him "so you should be".
When I looked up everyone was starring at me and then started clapping.
My husband then told me what had happened.
The people in the shop was actually applauding my husband.
Some of them even shouted at the women, for being so aggressive and rude.
Instead of me thinking about how strangers supported us.
I just wanted to go home and didn't leave the house for weeks.
Hi @DavidJ
Thank you!
I couldn't agree more about the parents.
Maybe the children can educate the parents.
Thank you everyone!
Loads of love to you lovely people our there xx
That's shocking!
Your co workers and especially your superviser, should be supporting you in work.
Is there a manager you could speak to, or someone higher up?
Maybe having a meeting with them, to talk about how you feel and how they can support you in work.
Maybe talking to one of scopes advisors? (your rights in the work place).
No! Your not alone
You will always have support from us lovely people at scope 😀😀
Take care
Bev x
Understand there are several issues here. First one . All employers have to make adjustments to members of our community. Who are working. No matter what the illness or disability is.
I believe that you need to speak to either a Union Rep. If that is not possible you need to speak to CAB. They can offer and support you with any advice you may need to take.
Second I would concerned you are made to feel you are being bullied at work. Being laughed at sneered at, made fun. Being ignored is a form of bullying and harassment.
Trust me I have been there so many times. Problem is you fear for your own job security and well being. I have all I can add is a lot of mutual respect for you. To continue.
I am concerned as many of our community will be.
After being on so many of these Back to Work schemes in all. I got was discrimination, harassment and made to look small.
Promises of adjustments and help never came. Then even when got a permanent position. It never came.
All I can add there are laws and I would consider speaking to CAB or other employment advisors.
Please give our helpline a ring 0808 800 3333. They could help with any further action you may have to take and give you any advice, information.
Remember we are here. To listen, give you advice, support and wish you well.
Please take care.
Always in prayers and thoughts
@thespiceman
Thank you once again and will speak to the number you gave me, soon x
Understand you need to talk to some one in the employment law sector.
I do not want to distress you further. All I can say am horrified by the whole thing. Also feel and do understand you need some support here.
Having been in a similar situation once before.
All I can say.
I would consider talking as I said CAB . Good with employment problems and situations like this. Will be useful.
Glad to hear you are going to call our help line.
Please let the community know how you get on and remember we are always here.
Pleasure to meet you.
Take care
@thespiceman
Awesome advice 😉
Hi @Stella_10
I'm so sorry your going through this.
The spiceman is right, its totally unacceptable how your being treated.
You need some help and support.
Being bullied in the work place is unacceptable.
I hope you contact the helpline and please let us know how you get on.
All the best
Take care
Bev x
Yet my days modelling pr I reminder my self , that words they used Hurt me lot,
Each I sensed had problems seeing me now in wheelchair,
I stop going as I got much harder to cope yet good on you , you made me laugh today x
Even when I got on the bus, on crutches and at a hospital bus stop, the driver once pulled away whilst I was hobbling along sending me flying across the bus and crashing into people who were seated in the front row by the second set of doors. Luckily, a number of people ran up the aisle and berated the driver until he stopped the bus and I could be helped up! For every nasty comment or idiot, there are people who will stick up for me.
I just let it go. (Italics appeared out of nowhere).
Thanx 4 my rant guys x take care x👌😍👍❤🌞♿🌹👄⭐🗿
Good for you 😀
Hi @Waylay
Thats shocking!
What is wrong with these people? Don't they have any common dencency.
This is why I will never get on a bus.
I know how you must have felt and I'm sorry you had to go through that.
Your right! people need educating more about disabilitys.
Scope has a program, were they go to high schools to educate children on disabilitys.
I told my daughter's school about this, and they have arranged for that to happen.
Maybe our children can educate their parents, so we don't have to deal with people's ignorance?
Take care
Bev x
Good advice
Thank you 😀
Hi @cracker
Thank you 😀
Hi @nannybel
"I need a poo" love it.
Maybe I will buy some stickers for my wheelchair?
Thanks guys
Bev x
Not every disability is visible, please don’t judge.
I find people either talk over you or look the other way. It doesn’t upset me very much now i just dismiss the situation most of the time.
I know it’s easy for me to say this, I’ve got a brilliant need of family around me, life’s to short to waste precious time on other people unless is something positive. Thanks for reading my little story 😀😀😀
I love Your story, about your son grabing your wheelchair and running with you in it.
Made me smile 😁😁
I wear a hat, so people can't see me lol, It really helps my anxiety to.
Bev 😀😀
Im glad you’ve found something ( your hat ) that helps you. I have good days when I hold my head up high and think ‘ look if you want to, I don’t care’. Other days I feel so uncomfortable that I don’t want to go out.
To many days I can’t accept the changes in me, I don’t tell my husband and my children because I want to be strong for them. I used to work full time as a night manager in retail ( amongst other jobs) speed home so my husband could go to work, take the children to school,clean,get the food ready and fit sleep time in. Life was busy, I was in control of me, it’s all gone now. The big BUT is, the most important things are left, my darling husband and my beautiful children and their brilliant husband and girlfriend.
I can moan and groan with the best at times, but I’m so lucky. So we’ve got to keep smiling and enjoy life as best we can.
I appreciate the most simplest things in life, only this morning I could see a spiderweb glistening in the sunshine with frost on it, glorious.
Hope you are well and looking after yourself. Any updates on appointments?
Wrap up warm! 😀😀😀
There is stigma against the mentally and physically challenged. I am glad we have this forum where can be who we are.
I'm ok, how are you.
You have a lovely family, who are very supportive of you 😀
I'm the same i have my good and bad days like you.
My husband takes me out twice a week, just for a coffee and to get me out of my prison cell lol.
Also like you, I haven't been disabled for long.
But im grateful for people like you and the community, who have helped me through some really difficult times.
Yes! I have an appointment with my nuerologist.
I write to him all the time lol.
I sent him a thank you letter about finding the vasculities doctor for me and told him what she's doing for me.
I also told him about my eyesight and the operation, so I think that's why he wants to see me?
I see the ENT doctor next Friday and my vasculities doctor said she would see me there. 😀
She's lovely and I feel more positive about finding a diagnosis.
Yes you keep warm too.
My friend made me a blanket for my wheelchair.
Keeps me cosy 😀
Hope you have a lovely weekend.
Bev 😀😀
Hope you are well.
I just think its people's ignorance.
In my day, we was tought to respect the disabled and the elderly, you just don't see that anymore.
Me to! I get a lot of support from the community and scopes team.
Bev 😀
Like you I know how lucky I am to have a supportive family.
There are times when I get frustrated, partially because I can’t/wouldn’t accept my limitations. I’ve always been a very independent woman and find acceptance of help, even from my brilliant family, can grate me. I’m my own worse enemy, quite a lot of the time I’ll try not to retaliate by declining help or support because I know I need the help. I’m getting better at accepting. I’m sure I’m not on my own.
Im so pleased that the cogs of the nhs are starting to move for you, fingers crossed it won’t be long when you’ll be letting us know what treatment they’ll be giving you 🤞.
My son and his girlfriend are here at the moment ( they bought a house just round the corner from us a year and a half ago), my husband as gone Christmas shopping with our daughter ( she lives with her husband about 1 mile away) for my presents 😁.
Fingers very tightly crossed I’m hoping next week me and hubby will go out and about doing a little Christmas shopping. I find a number of shops are not wheelchair friendly, especially at Christmas when they are bulging with stock. I do most of my Christmas shopping online, I still try to go out because I love everything about Christmas. All the religious side, Christmas lights, Salvation Army band just everything.
Finally my son is taking me Christmas shopping for my husbands presents. Like most places now there are big retail parks. Well he’s booked a few days off in 2 weeks and we’ll go on one of the better days for me.
It so lovely having a gossip with you and many others on here. Take care and I’m sure we’ll have many more chats. Again chuffed things are starting to move for you.😀😀😀
Ive found since having to use a wheelchair I’ve grown another head hahaha. I’ve come to the conclusion that you won’t change some people’s attitude so it’s best to ignore them.
I refuse to waste valuable time on worrying what complete strangers think about me.
There are times though that it can upset me, usually when I’m being ignored and they speak to my husband. The shocking thing is some Doctors do this, so how are we to expect the lay person to behave!
I too am glad the this forum exists so we can have chats like this. Look after yourself. 😀😀😀
I'm totally with you there, I'm always frustrated I can't do anything.
My husband always says, he will never be able to do things my way, so I need to let him do things his way.
(Drives me nuts) lol
I mean it's not like I'm asking to cut the edges of the grass with a pair of scissors like I did lol
My neighbour's thought I was nuts 😂😂
I hate having to use my wheelchair when I go out.
Not just because people stare, but because It makes me feel vounrable.
I was out the other day and my wheelchair Broke.
Thankfully my doctor as done a referal for a new one, but i don't know how long that takes? as I bought this one.
Serves me right for moaning lol.
Aww! It's lovely your family live so close to you 😀
I've already started my Xmas shopping, I love Xmas with my children.
I told my doctor, about what the vasculities doctor is doing for me, as it wasn't her who referred me.
She saud I've got a lot going on, but its all positive.
(She's made up for me).
Yes! I love our little chats.
Talk soon 😀😀
Now every time I see someone staring I stare back, smile and say hello. Most people at least smile back before they look away.
I was thinking of giving them a reason to stare by respraying my wheelchair with purple glitter and putting fairy lights around the wheels but my son said he wouldn't be seen in public with me if I did and I sort of need him to help with the shopping bags.
That's awesome! 😀
That's something my husband would do to my wheelchair, if I'd let him lol.
Are you sure your not my mirror image hahaha, I always used to cut the borders in out garden with a scissors hahaha I’m glad I’m not the only nutty person hahaha.
Super pleased for you with the hospital, you must feel there’s a little light at the end of the tunnel!
Axwy62,
That sounds absolutely brilliant! I’d spray mine leopard print, if it was possible hahaha and sparkly gold handles. I wonder what my husband would say hahaha! My daughter would love it.
All take care speak soon.😀😀😀
Lol! Maybe? I was thinking that myself 😀
I've always worked like yourself and was the only female manager running 2 sites (including the men).
Joined the police force (special constabulary) when i was 22 and did my diploma in floristry, with distinction throughout.
Who says you need GCSEs lol
Even the school I went to, i went back and did my Oxford computer course.
But I love being a mum and yes a house wife.
My favourite thing to do on my days of, was gut the house.
I even did a friends house once, i loved it lol.
Hi @axwy62
Join them 😀
Haha, my role was normally male oriented, so the men I used to managed quite often could be difficult mmmm saying that so could the women haha.
Youve done really well for yourself, police maybe not for me really difficult job take my hat off to you. Flowers I love so a florist great! Computers used to be quite a part of my work ( still rubbish though)
I too absolutely love being a mam and a wife. My favourite things to do would be to scrub the house from top to bottom and make a lovely meal for everyone to sit around the dining table. Sure you are not me! hahaha.
These are the things I grieve for. Never mind a least I’ve done it, like you.
Take care, we’ll compare notes next time!😀😀😀
I grieve for this, too,, and for digging in the soil.
It's good to know, it wasn't just me then lol 😀
I have a thriving garden.
and the looks people give you when your out and about. especially if your in a wheelchair and then stand up and walk for a bit.
https://defeatingdisability.com/2018/12/05/dont-judge-a-book-by-its-cover/
I have epilepsy & may look a normal person, when I walk along the street.
I once had a seizure in a supermarket, I fell into a display just inside the entrance. Many people thought I was drunk. When I came around I saw people, including staff & police standing around me. I was wondering what was going on.
On another occasion I had a basket of shopping in my hand, when I started having a blackout & was walking out of a store without paying. Luckily a member of staff recognised me & told the police & management of the store I was epileptic. Later, when I returned the store a manager, who spotted me on CCTV, came across to me & politely asked me if I was OK.
I had an incident when I was walking in the rain in NYC and went to the Ladies' Room,. It was freezing in there, and I got hypothermia. Shook so badly that I couldn't get up off the toilet. The police were sure I was on drugs and took me to a detox center. I asked some hot tea, wrapped myself in a dry towel and ran out into the street to get a cab home.
Is your epilepsy being controlled at all? There are also service dogs who will warh you about q seizure and push you into a safe place.
I can't imagine how difficult it is to live knowing that may seize. Good for you that you have'n't stopped going out.
Hope your doing Ok.
The only advice I can give you, is to ignore them.
They are just ignorant and don't know anything about disabilitys.
I know scope have an amazing program, were they go to schools, to educate children on all disabilitys.
Maybe the children can educate the parents.
Take care 😀
Hope your doing Ok.
I will check out your blog.
Thanks
Hope your doing Ok..
That's shocking, how awful for you.
Do you carry an emergency card with you, I got mine through the carers.
I have one on my bag and one in my purse.
It says on the card:
ATTENTION someone is responsible for my care. In the event of an emergency contact this number immediately.
They have all my conditions, and what medications I take.
Hope your doing Ok.
That's shocking!
I would of been so scared, if someone had done that to me.
Great advice about the dog by the way.
Take care 😀