Coffee lounge
If this is your first visit, check out the community guide. You will have to Join us or Sign in before you can post.

Community updates


• Read over some of our recent discussions and have your say!

• Upload a new profile picture and give your profile a personal touch.

• Get the latest information on issues relating to coronavirus.

Left behind?

kennykenny Member Posts: 77 Courageous
How do other disabled people feel about being left behind? All my old school mates family members etc are now married with kids, or living with partners, they have jobs, drive cars, bought houses, done all the things that my disability holds me back on. I am 32  still live with my parents and feel that my life has not moved on in the way that normally happens , do others ever feel like this? Are you stuck in a time warp. Have all relatives of a similar age moved on , and where once you was close to them they have other interests such as family, jobs careers. I sometimes feel that I am just the same as I was in life ten years ago. No new opportunities seem to come the disabled persons way!



Replies

  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 689 Listener
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
  • kennykenny Member Posts: 77 Courageous
    That sounds good, you have done well, I am trying to move on but its not always easy!
  • bendigedigbendigedig Member Posts: 254 Pioneering
    @kenny
    Hi,

    I think I understand what it is you have been experiencing.  

    The bottom fell out of my world in about 2009 and Ive never been the same since. 

    Any disabling factor whether its mental or physical is irrelevant can affect sombody in ways no one else can understand.....  Often we try to give advice to help people because we feel for them and wish to help.

    Somtimes though, no words are enough to get you to see things differently and so shake off the mental chains that tie us to the anguish we feel at our seemingly insurmountable circumstances.

    Time takes on a whole new significance if we are in a state of depression.  Im not suggesting that you are depressed but Im guessing  that if you are not then you arent very far off it.  

    In recent years Ive been no stranger to depresion.  It wasnt until I finally discovered what it actually is and what it does to you that I cried apologetically for being angry with my wife after she had suffered with it years before and I "just couldnt understand what she was going through".

    The fact is nodody can give us a magic fix to the problems that you have related here.  There is little others can do to help us.  We just have to keep on keeping on.  Hopefully with time and the continued support of our loved ones we can get through things.

    There is nothing truer said though.... You can only increase the probability of success and happiness by incresing your interaction with the world...  Im not saying take on a John O groats to lands end epic journey!  We do though, like Dannymoore said need to create openings for ourselves.  NOBODY will do it for us...  Things are tougher than ever these days..  There is far less of the milk of human kindness about I am afraid.

    I do know how you feel though.  Although I have some of the things that you wish to have in your life, I too have objectives that seem to be out of my grasp.  This can be infuriating and seem so unfair....  Often it is unfair.  Dwelling on it though creates negative thinking and feeling...  Doing as much as you can about the percieved problem is the key..  Even if you dont achieve success....  Its all about how you spend your time!  If you never achieve the objectives you wish to achieve, as long as you have tried then you will know that you did all that you possibly could.

    While you are at it you will find other things that bring light into your life.  Having high expectations from life in our current world is a recipe for unhappiness I think... I know this from bitter experience.  Try and celebrate what you have now,  dont be to distracted by what you do not have in your life.... This is such unhelpful advice, I know,  unfortunately it is a universal survival aid ! :)

    I wish you all the luck in the world.  Not many will realise the extra burden you are carrying with you on lifes journey.  I hope that one day you are able to get where you want to be :)  In the mean time, know that at least here in this particular online community that you have some excellent travelling companions :)
  • kennykenny Member Posts: 77 Courageous
    Thanks benefited, yes I have suffered depression, I have been down to the bottom and back up again, and yes who can blame us? Trapped in a body that won't work, what girl wants a guy who can't go to toilet unaided? Who can't drive her anywhere , or take her for a stroll? Yes I do do things, I make the effort, but don't really feel included, I'm just the disabled guy, who people pass the time of the day with to make them feel better! As you say the milk of human kindness is very rare, so all we can do is face each day , we as disabled people have a mountain to climb every day of our lives.
  • bendigedigbendigedig Member Posts: 254 Pioneering
    @kenny
    Im afraid I dont know what it feels like to be physically disabled.  Like you though, I know depression.

    There is a very strong chance that I will become physically disabled in the not so distant future though as a lot of the people on my Dads side of the family including my sister have or had Arthritis.  My old fella was in a chair for the latter part of his life with crippling pain and all the fun that goes with that.

    Im getting it in my feet, knees and hands at the moment. My dad did too in his forties.

    I've worked in a care home so I know about the "hidden" side of physical disabilities..  Its no fun mate is it?

    A lot of people really haven't the faintest idea about what other people go through just living their daily lives.  To some degree or another though mate, there are people who do know what you are going through..  I know that nobody totally understands what another goes through but many have a grasp of what it is to be both you or I.

    In many ways meeting people that understand what our lives are like can be of bennefit...  You can cut through all the crap and get on with the business of getting to know somone.  I think.

    I've learned that, as men, often our preconceptions of what women want from us 
    is largely nothing to do with what is actually going on!  I'm not you Kenny but Id say that worrying that you may not meet the expectations of the next woman you are into is really an exercise in futility.  Do you know what I mean?  What I'm getting at is that we are who we are...  And the only woman thats going to want to be with us is the one that is interested in just that,  who we are.

    As far as driving cars and knocking nails in and cutting down trees and buying pork bellies before selling orange juice in order to make millions on the stock exchange is concerned.... Well, we just do what we do, dont we?  If we are lucky that is.  I dont necersarrily know if "what we do" actually defines who or what we are?  I think this is an important distinction.

    Oh, by the way Im not spending time with you to help me feel better..  Gods teeth!  Id need a bit more than that I can tell you! Ha ha :)

    I trully dont know if I will ever be at peace with myself or the world.  All I know is that the best and happiest times of my life are when Ive found the freedom to do things that have been personally rewarding.  

    I'm pretty sure Kenny if you can find somthing rewarding to do then this is somthing that you will be able to build on mate.  Is there anything like that in your life at the moment?

    If you want company and you dont mind listening to me just give me a shout.  Im never that long away from being on my ipad.  

    Like you (Im guessing). For reasons that ar far beyond my control I do not work.  I did work.  I miss it very much.  I felt like I had a purpose when I was working.  Now, without distraction Im subject to terrible bouts of over thinking and I find myself stuck in repetitive non productive behaviour on a daily basis.

    Im socially isolated.  I rarely have conversation with anybody other than my wife and son. I see a guy that comes to my house from Autism Initiatives once every couple of weeks and thats about it.  If you want to talk to me you are more than welcome...  I cant promise that will cheer you up though!  Weve all got our daily mountain to climb if you know what I mean  ;)
  • kennykenny Member Posts: 77 Courageous
    Thanks bendigig, its good to know I am not alone in how I feel, and how disability affects us, wether mental or physical, yes I go to the gym and find that physically that makes me feel better, and try to become fitter and healthier, although I will always be confined to a wheelchair. Yes I would love to work, to have a purpose, to feel useful, to feel I can be of some use to somewhere or something. But that will probably never be an option for me. Sorry that one day you may become a sufferer of arthritis, but who knows what's around the corner? I too am an overthinker the mind sometimes will not keep quite! If only people could see beyond  the disability , but I find they don't want to be lumbered with a ♿ wheelchair, and fetching drinks from the bar etc.so socially it is very frustrating, because we do not have friends just people who pass the time of day!
  • bendigedigbendigedig Member Posts: 254 Pioneering
    @kenny
    I dont do social media.  I come on here and thats it.  
    If you ever want to chat Kenny just give me a shout.  I promise I wont ask you to fetch the drinks ;)

  • kennykenny Member Posts: 77 Courageous
    Haha ok Bendegig the drinks will be on you!
  • the_velvet_girlthe_velvet_girl Member Posts: 103 Courageous
    I know what you mean about feeling left behind. I recently moved back home to the area I grew up in and I assumed I would spending time with my mates and going out a lot. However, the majority of my mates are now settled down with kids and although they still text me, they can't or don't want to do anything due to family commitments. I can't drive and need to rely on my mates picking me up for evening events as the public transport is limited near me. I'm considering taking a voluntary job as a way of meeting new people as I don't have many colleagues in my main employment.
  • kennykenny Member Posts: 77 Courageous
    I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels it!
  • bendigedigbendigedig Member Posts: 254 Pioneering
    @kenny

    Ha Ha.

    I used to drink quite a lot Kenny.

    Now, not so much.  Im a Robinsons High Juice man these days.  Until I stopped drinking alcohol I never realised how much Squash I hadnt been drinking!

    Recently I went to see Lloyd Cole.  I had two pints and the best part of a bottle of wine.  It wrecked me.  I hadn't touched a drop of booze since the New Year.  I was extremely surprised at just how affected I was.

    Its the first time that Ive been to a gig for as long as I can remember.  
  • kennykenny Member Posts: 77 Courageous
    Maybe you should go to a few more gigs, learn to live again a little?
  • bendigedigbendigedig Member Posts: 254 Pioneering
    edited April 2017
    @kenny
    I dont know if I will ever live life in the same way again.
    I used to Teach.  I spoke out about somthing relating to our local infrastructure where we live.  In a very short space of time after that my work was taken away from me.
    In the same time frame I was assaulted by one of the people related to the matter I spoke out about.  I was then stitched up by my assailant and blamed for the whole thing (he had a witness).  I did nothing to provke the attack and I was arrested.  I deffended myself in court.  It dragged on well over a year.  The Police and legal system where we live is so corrupt.
    I hadnt been having an easy time of it as I had been dealing with Parental death and we had had an ectopic pregnancy too.
    To top it all recently they have been trying to ruin my wifes carreer too.
    Ive tried to challenge them by going progresively to the highest authorities in the land.  There has been no success.  The people that I have upset are too powerful and influential.
    I wont go legal here as I know the judiciary and legal infrastructure locally will rule in favour of those my complaint is against.  I cant get any help from anywhere.  Ive been blackballed.
    No,  my life will probably never recover from what has and is happening to us.
    Having Aspergers, for me, means I find it impossible to reconcile the injustices that we have experienced where we live.  As a consequence I suffer with PTSD
    Going to gigs, pubs, stuff like that.  Socialising etc is a thing of the past for me...  My life is ruined.  We have a mortgage to try and pay and we have a Son to love and raise.  Thats it.
    I know I sound maudlin but Im afraid thats the way of things.  Im aware that things could be worse but as for everybody, its the massive sense of loss and the injustice of it that affects the individual according to what they themselves know.  Adjustment is just not possible somtimes.  Im better than I was though...  I tried suicide twice but in both instances, fortunately,  I was probably too drunk to have done it right.
    I dont think its a good idea for me to drink alcohol anymore,  where once it was pleasurable and good fun.  Now it just does bad things to me and probably exaserbates an existing depression.
    I know how to live Kenny.  Its just Ive had my life robbed from me.  Essentially through corruption.  There is no justice.
    You have to have hope though dont you?  I hope that one day we will be through all the crap weve experienced living here and that we will escape to somthing better :)
  • DasiydoDasiydo Member Posts: 94 Courageous
    I have be left behind because of my dyspraxia and hard hearing recover from mealth health one my groups going to seaside and as have not got money I broken I lie say group I going on Holiday to Disneyland Paris but not going really I busy as her look after my mum with broken shoulder and busy looking after my pets cats Sydnee and Annabel. I have going out with group because all can speed is 3 per day and all other friends got more money at now turn out do not go out anymore and I feel sad because me and my cats Sydnee and Annabel going have move house again but want live by sea can not see any reason stay in Staffordshire's
    V.shaw
  • bendigedigbendigedig Member Posts: 254 Pioneering
    edited June 2017
    @Dasiydo

    Im very sorry to hear how things are for you at the moment.

    Things are going to get very tight for us soon money wise too.

    Its a massive issue in life isnt it?


  • kennykenny Member Posts: 77 Courageous
    Bendigedig sorry you have have had so much sorrow, but don't let them win, keep fighting, I do it all the time  doors are closed on me people don't answer their phones, but somehow each day start all over again!
  • kennykenny Member Posts: 77 Courageous
    Daisydo hope you feeling better sorry you had to lie to your group, how is it you have no money? Do you get benefits? Hope you and your cats are ok, where would you like to live?
  • Sam_ScopeSam_Scope Member Posts: 7,732 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @kenny I don't think you are alone at all in feeling isolated/left out and @Dasiydo I think lots of people understand the financial difficulties.

    I have a chronic illness and an ostomy bag and so there are times where I simply cant join in with the things Id like to do, I think I have definitely lost friends since getting very poorly 4 years ago.  They were fair weather friends and only interested when times were good.  But it makes me feel lucky to have the real friends who stuck around.

    Posts like this are great though because it makes you realise that you arent alone, there are lots of members here who have such a lot of experiences and can help offer support to others.  
    Scope
    Senior online community officer
  • DasiydoDasiydo Member Posts: 94 Courageous
    Thank you for your support but with cut back things going get wose for now going with flow see if can find any  Animals Crouse at the farm just need find new home for me and my pet cat Sydnee and Annabel where I would like live need caravan near seaside and cabin stay in wood cabin like my summer house I love my summer house
    V.shaw
  • izaiza Member Posts: 465 Pioneering
    edited April 2017
    Hi All, I can see you are supporting each other well here. 
    @kenny do not worry about your disability. I would like you  to look at my post: https://community.scope.org.uk/discussion/31040/favourite-hobbies-films-and-books
    I just recommended two lovely books which could inspire you. Please look at the book written by Nick Vujicic.



    There are women who do not worry about people leaving on wheelchair at all.  Nick was afraid too that he will never find his loved one. 
    Now he is happily married to healthy woman and is the father to two lovely children. 
    Sometimes we all are afraid of what we do not know. 
    My mum had few strokes last year and become wheelchair user as well.
    My mum leaves in another country and I was responsible to look after my mum during my home time visits. I was very afraid how I will menage myself to look after paralysed mum all week without anyone help. 
    Gosh I was really freak out.
    Somebody told be "one step in a time" and it really helped. I not only managed well to look after my mum but at the same time I take all responsibilities to support  home and looks after my child. 
    So the fear has got big eyes but once you need face new situation you are popping into new role. 
    I am sure there are women who will be more brave and happy be part of your life as well. 
    You just need to believe in it. 

    Happy Ester to you 

    Iza 

  • lailalaila Member Posts: 48 Connected
    Hi Kenny, I ve been struggling all my life and I have never given up.I remember once I was having a lesson of swimming and I wanted  to croll but I couldn't so the coach told me:"listen, it happens in the mind" it s true I forgot about being diabled and kept on trying until I found my own way of doing it.
       We need to create opportunities because if we keep waiting for others to do things for us, we keep on being weak.
      Whatever you do will give you pleasure,drawing, writing stories,articles for magazines..
     Up to you to find something, urge the strength that exists in you and you will be surprised to see how much you can do.
     My brother is also a diabled who drives a car, he a married with children, he walks with sticks.
     good courage



  • kennykenny Member Posts: 77 Courageous
    Thanks laila, glad you have made a success of what you do in life. My problem is finding friends, I  am confined to a ♿ and that's not easy I am not after pity, I do try to get out and about such as the gym, bingo, football etc. Non disabled people don't really want to be bothered, who wants to go out with someone they may have to push, or help with the toilet? Not many I have not found any yet! I would like to go out with mates for nights out etc but have not yet found this possible x
  • lailalaila Member Posts: 48 Connected
    Don't give up Kenny, I understand what you're feeling. Anyway , you don t want just an adventure but someone who would stay and this requires time even for normal people.
      Believe me, men sometimes need more someone who understands them than a well built body.
    Good luck.
  • the_velvet_girlthe_velvet_girl Member Posts: 103 Courageous
    Hi Kenny,
    When I started at college years ago, I had a PA who was supposed to support me with keeping my room tidy & getting books from the library but I used her mostly for support for clubbing! She would help me carry drinks, get ready to go out & help me move around the club. It was a good way of my new friends seeing me as an equal rather than someone that needs looked after. I also enjoyed the company & it was good to have someone to just go for a coffee with if all my friends were busy.
  • kennykenny Member Posts: 77 Courageous
    Hi velvtgirl I'm glad you found a way around the problems that we all have of being accepted into society. The point I was trying to Make was that while people I grew up with went to form relationships, have kids get jobs, drive cars etc, because of my disability in was unable to do these things and feel my life has not developed because of the fact I am physically disabled
  • DasiydoDasiydo Member Posts: 94 Courageous
    Now thing go? I hope after today all the cut back to Disability benefit stop soon I going move on with my new life as voluntary 
    V.shaw
  • stedychefs2015stedychefs2015 Member Posts: 9 Listener



    Here at Stedychefs cookery school we are always wanting to create new opportunities. With a passion for food we could give you the skills to take into employment and day to day life. Not only will you meet new people but the chance of a career could be made. 

    Interested or want more information give us a call 0151 364 3307

  • DasiydoDasiydo Member Posts: 94 Courageous
    I think it wrong disability and recovery Meath health  are  having disability benefits like e.g was help in  Longton shop as missing my friends there but October cut pubic transport be no more buses after 830pm So now turn down evering job for scrop and  making space but won't give up
    V.shaw
  • TopkittenTopkitten Member Posts: 1,094 Pioneering
    The life you are referring to missing out on is more of a daydream, I'm afraid. At 20 I was perfectly healthy, got married, got a house and 2 kids but over the next 16 years there were more downs than ups and then my wife ripped it all up and threw it away. 4 years later I started again. Wife, house, kid, basically what you are supposed to have but this wife constantly made a war out of it. She cheated constantly, beat me up all the time and then also ripped it up and threw it away. Undeterred I tried a third time (not married this time though). All was going well for a couple of years until I started getting ill. She walked out just before I had major surgery. For 8 years I would have nothing to do with women as I slowly got worse and worse but I have begun again to be a part of the social world this year. However, I am not going to risk another relationship because I have found that the healthy women I am attracted to are scared off by the idea of a wheelchair and the disabled women I have liked I could never look after the way I feel I should.

    48 years of normal life and 12 as disabled and, to be honest, I think I have had more good times without all the bad in the last 12 rather than the 28 between 20 and 48. Admittedly I still have some mobility and can drive for up to an hour but that wont last for more than a few more years.

    Now any woman in my life has to accept friendship only and still the friendships fail because the better the friendship the more they wish to make out of it.

    I also found out that all but one friend couldn't cope with me being disabled. So all I had left was the 1 and that had always been a sometime friendship anyway.

    A 'normal life' isn't all it's cracked up to be.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • basiclee08basiclee08 Member Posts: 71 Courageous
    I have Lost some Friends since my Acident But more than Replaced them with new ones. for me It took me a while to Learn to be comfortable in my own skin Again. If i am honest I for a while could'nt accept the possibility of being Disabled  and had it in my head i would get back to my old self. Never was going to happen but i think i had to go thru that process of acceptence of who I am Now and my Abilities.A lot of old friends I have been friends with  for years dropped off Radar that's their problem me i am happy and content and making new friends as i continue my journey now being disabled. I am now even working and loving it thou had to adapt and now work in a office.Great work mates I  now have been working full time for 4 months. Don't get me Wrong took me nearly 3 years to get to were I am now. and still Learning but enjoying doing so. Keep Faith and you Will get there Eventually. cheers Lee
Sign in or join us to comment.