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Hi, I'm Violet, ask me questions about ASD

Hi, I’m Violet. My youngest son has High Functioning Autism and I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome in my forties, so I have plenty of ASD experience! I’m a freelance writer - my article, ’Things you should never say to the parents of an autistic child’ is still one of the most-shared items ever on the Metro.

I am also diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder, which I manage through a combination of meds, humour and downright bloodymindedness. 

Ask me questions about parenting autistic children, anxiety disorders, living with high functioning autism and being diagnosed with ASD as an adult.


  • dogloverhexagondogloverhexagon Posts: 2Member Listener
    Hi Violet, thank you for your post on late diagnosis. Can you tell me how long I put had to wait for the assessment and whether there is any way of speeding up the diagnosis. Many thanks.
  • VioletFennVioletFenn Posts: 123Member Chatterbox
    Hi @dogloverhexagon In all honesty, it really is a 'how long is a piece of string' kind of question! Every NHS area has a different way of routing people through the system and some, unfortunately, have barely any adult diagnostic pathway at all. Your best bet is to speak to your GP first and ask them to refer you for assessment. Or get in touch with your nearest local ASD support group - even if they only usually work with children they'll almost certainly have some ideas of who you can talk to. Some areas have a particular consultant who sees adults for ASD assessment as a matter of professional interest - it might be worth asking the support group if they know of anyone. 

    If I'm honest, the only way I've ever heard of anyone speeding up the process is by going private - it's definitely an option to consider, but costs vary wildly, depending on where you live. Sorry I can't be of more help!
  • MrsLogicMrsLogic Posts: 42Member Whisperer

    Can I also assist?  The timeframe from speaking to my GP about my suspected Asperger Syndrome and actual diagnosis was a whopping eighteen months!  In the interim I had a private diagnosis, paid for via work - both occured within a month of one another and I had two diagnoses!  I can therefore that I'm 100% aspie!
  • FundamentalistFundamentalist Posts: 134Member Talkative
    Hi Violet, from Fm. I would like to ask you have you ever heard of a condition now known as misophonia or 4S syndrome, ( Selective Sound Sensitivity Syndrome ) which is often possibly wrongly diagnosed as Asperger's syndrome as I have been but I think it's more like misophonia. I have met several mental health professionals including some who work in the ASD field and they have never heard of misophonia which I think they should as they more than almost anyone really need to. See my other post on "Misophonia and severe heat intolerance". In my experience of misophonia or whatever it is that I'm stuck with it's FAR worse than the descriptions of it elsewhere online and in the articles that have appeared today on the BBC and ITV news pages. Fm.
  • VioletFennVioletFenn Posts: 123Member Chatterbox
    Hi @Fundamentalist

    Yes I've heard of misophonia, but only this week after it was discussed in the media! Obviously sound sensitivity is often part and parcel of ASD (I myself struggle horribly to hold a conversation if there's a radio on in the background, even if it's quiet, and I cannot bear the sound of fluorescent lights!), but 'true' misphonia sounds like a completely separate issue and one that must be very difficult to live with.

    Interestingly, several people I know have confessed to feeling physically sick at the sound of certain noises, since the reports this week - they'd all clearly assumed they were alone with the problem up until now!
  • Anonymous123Anonymous123 Posts: 27Member Talkative
    Hi Violet.
    Everyday I got told I was ugly from 3 years up to 16 by several kids and several times.  I was made to feel no one could ever want me.  
    I'm 27 now and I also have Aspergers. I was diagnosed at 21.
     I have never been on a date or had a boyfriend or anything at all and I've tried asking a couple of guys out but they said no.  Sometimes I think I look alright, but because of this I feel hidious everytime I go out and still haven't found someone.  Everyday I still cry about it and it's really hard to take in that I'm just going to be alone all my life.  I won't ask anyone else out now because I just don't have any confidence or self esteem whatsoever.  
    I also cannot tell if a guy likes me or not, so if there are any guys reading this, if you like a girl just tell her!
    I feel like no one could ever like me though.
    I am a really nice person and I'm kind and honest and I would always be true, but it's just not meant to be.
    I still don't think it's right to bully someone because they are ugly though.  I have felt like committing  suicide a few times.  The only thing that helps me is prayer and hope.
    Do you have any advice on how I can tell if someone likes me.  I mean you have a son, so you must have a husband/partner.  How did you know he liked you and how did you deal with it?
  • mumof3boysmumof3boys Posts: 223Member Chatterbox

    Wow that brought tears to my eyes.....
  • davidj49davidj49 Posts: 63Member Talkative
    @Anonymous123 I too have Aspergers(late formal diagnosis), and I used body language books when I was a teenager. A couple ofromance/flirt tips for you, they may blush, and will act shy around you. I too cannot tell if someone likes me, and this is the reason I have no friends.
  • Anonymous123Anonymous123 Posts: 27Member Talkative
    @davidj49 I have some friends, but I am always worried about what they are thinking about me.  I am always worried I am annoying them.
    @mumof3boys Yes I was quite tearful when I was typing it, as I am not usually open with my feelings, but I really want advice.

  • Anonymous123Anonymous123 Posts: 27Member Talkative
    @Fundamentalist I suffer from Misophonia too, I can't stand eating noises, or lip smacking noises, or when people use their tongue to get stuff out their teeth.  
    Or when someone loudly sucks a sweety, I actually feel like strangling them! But people get annoyed if you ask them too stop doing it, or chew with their mouth closed and if I put my fingers in my ears, or leave the room.
    Surely they would rather that than me wanting to murder them? Very annoying.
  • davidj49davidj49 Posts: 63Member Talkative
    I also suffer from other's noises and had to tell a few to stop it. But is probably best to leave the room or building. There is therapy out there for misophonia.
  • Anonymous123Anonymous123 Posts: 27Member Talkative
    @davidj49 I looked it up and it says there's no known cure.  I suppose a therapist could help though 
  • davidj49davidj49 Posts: 63Member Talkative
    Yes, there is no cure, and a therapist will certainly help you, I gave up trying to get therapy,  i avoid people as much as possible to stop the symptoms of misophonia kicking in.
  • Anonymous123Anonymous123 Posts: 27Member Talkative
    @davidj49 what noises do you struggle with?
  • VioletFennVioletFenn Posts: 123Member Chatterbox
    Hi @Anonymous123

    Bless you, it's so hard isn't it? I do understand how difficult it can be to figure out social interaction - I spent most of my school days trying to be friends with people and just getting insulted or mocked in return. I know it sounds trite, but things really DO get better as you get older, because you learn to know yourself more and are less likely to tolerate being treated badly. 

    I've literally 'learned' how to cope socially - I still can't read people's faces or cues half the time, but I mentally remind myself to smile / stop talking to allow them time to speak, etc. 

    As for thinking you're ugly - well firstly, beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder and you almost certainly are nowhere near as unattractive as you think. Regardless, looks REALLY don't matter - people like other people just because they like them, it's as simple as that. If someone doesn't want to be close to you because they don't appreciate your looks then you probably shouldn't be with them anyway.
    For what it's worth, I have a terrible time with figuring out what I actually really look like - I know this sounds stupid but I'm convinced I look a bit like a man. I know I don't 'really', because people have told me so over the years. But however much I tell myself that I scrub up okay and however much effort I make, I still see a manly face in the mirror. It's a kind of body dysmorphia I guess. 

    There are some great books on learning social interaction when you have Aspergers, I'll try to find you some links. 

    ASD advisor, Scope
  • bendigedigbendigedig Posts: 254Member Chatterbox
    Hi Anonymous 123,

    im a 43 year old man, im married aand have an 11 yr old son.  Both he and I have an Aspergers diagnosis.

    when I was a kid my family was quite poor.  On the Dole in Thatchers Britain eating egg and chips everyday.

    i never realised that people were so judgmental then.. As a consequence I had a lot of bullying in my child hood.  I was always dressed in "bad clothes". You know hand me downs etc.  Some of the stuff used to belong to my older sisters!

    in addition, i became FAT.  REALLY FAT.  I hated brushing my teeth, so they were always all yellow and cruddy and my breath stank.  I had very low self esteem and i felt stupid.  My parents loved me and cared well for me with the limited resources they had but they were a bit clueless.  I looked a sight!   Iwas fat, ugly, smelly and i wore crap clothes and shoes.

    somthing weird happened one day.  At about the time when I was going to High school, one of my bullies pushed me too far!  He used to name call me, punch me, kick me, spit at me etc.  I used to just take it.  I used to " just take it" from a lot of people.  Well one day I just snapped,   I launched at him (poor sod).  By the time I had finnished he was a bit bruised and very upset.

    im not condoning violence in any way whatsoever.  However from that day forward I learned somthing about "control".  It wasnt the fact that I had bettered him.  It was the fact that I had taken control that was important.

    much of our relationships are unfortunately about control.  This is very complicated for me to get into and there are a lot of subtlties to all of this but suffice to say I began to realise that I could controll my own life.  I didnt have to allow people to control me.  Gradually I began to change.  I wanted to present myself better.  I realised I could joke and contribute to discussion etc.  Before I had never known this part of me! Yeah, I still stuck out like a sore thumb, it didnt matter any more though because I had discovered a readybrek glow from within.  I began to understand myself better and soon so did other people.

    yes somtimes it is important to submit to the control of others but often it is very very important to resist the efforts of others to control us.  Its all very subtle and a little bit complicated somtimes but what Im suggesting is that you start taking steps to control your life.  You seem to be a sensitive, intelligent person.  Just sit down and start thinking about what youve got to offer.   I bet there is a hell of a lot more that you thought there was. :)

    when i finally learned to deal with bullies (it was still difficult, but i learned how to be courageous and master my fear). I began to realise that i had more about me than I ever realised.

    where am i going with this?  Well, i never really got over the scars of my childhood thouroughly enough for me to have relationships with girls in my early and mid teens.  I did not feel atractive, i knew there was somthing different about me and I knew other peopke knew it too.  I felt very awkward and unattractive.

    Dont be overly concerned about your looks.  As long as you stay clean and bright, keep a smile on your face and try to look your best you will always be best fixed to meet people.  What they make of you is up to them,  its not up to you.  Stop being concerned about whether they like you or not.  This confidence will show.  Try not to try to hard too!  I think its cool that you asked some fellas out, good for you :)  just pick the right ones in future.  Be a bit more selective, if you dont want to fail then dont pick fellas that you think that you are likely to fail with?

    it wasnt until I left home at Eighteen that I finally began having relationships with the oposite sex.  Each success I had made me feel more and more confident.  I met my wife when I was 19.  We are stil together now :). It hasnt been easy and I still carry a few metaphorical battle scars from my struggle with life but I have changed a lot.

    in essence, im trying to let you see that there are others out there that struggle too.  You are in no way alone.  Also, Im trying to tell you that if you believe in yourself then you will have more success in your endeavours with the oposite sex.  People feel comfortable around those who are confident about themselves.

    it doesnt matter what you look like... In fact. I bet you.... The more you stop worrying about what you look like and the more you start celebrating who you are the more positive experiences you will have.  It wont happen over night.... But make a contract with yourself,  promise yourself that you are never going to allow yourself to feel bad about who or what you are.

    i am almost certain that you will start to enjoy your life more..  Dont get trapped in negative spirals of behaviour or emotional response.  Quickly you will learn to become more dynamic and people will notice this...  They might even find it a little bit unsettling at first :)

    please dont think that I have all the answers or indeed that any body does!  Peopke do care though.  Not everybody is a hurtfull uncaring mouth noise maker;)

    keep your chin up and put your best foot forward.... It really does help.  

    Thanks for sharing yourself with us :)  its really nice to hear real stuff from real people :).  I know what its like to feel so sad.  Try not to go down that path, it doesnt help.  Talking is always good though :)

    Im a great believer in the old, "there is special someone for everybody".   Be patient and keep the right attitude and you will get there :).  I know rejection hurts...  Ive been in tears plenty of times in my life but you know what,  you learn from rejection so its not all bad:)  just dont dwell on rejection and negative thoughts.

    good luck :)

  • VioletFennVioletFenn Posts: 123Member Chatterbox
    Ohhh what a fabulous response, @bendigedig - it's so good to hear from people who've been there and done that!

  • bendigedigbendigedig Posts: 254Member Chatterbox

    nah,  never been there.  Done some stuff but never that.  I hope that Ill get there one day though :)

    I think its important that we all try to help each other.... Dont you? :)
  • Anonymous123Anonymous123 Posts: 27Member Talkative
    Thanks @bendigedig for the great advice @VioletFenn thank you too, I will have a look at those books and from your pic, you do not look like a man, but I know what you mean I have weird thoughts about what I look like too.
    For instance sometimes I think I look like a frog lol
  • joannarashellejoannarashelle Posts: 135Member Chatterbox
    @Anonymous123, you sound like a beautiful person and what will happen one day is you'll meet someone who sees you as beautiful, he might not be who you were expecting but he will come, I have struggled with relationships (apart from animal ones!) you're not alone I promise you, don't worry that you'll be alone, I too worried about this, that I'd never meet someone I could share myself with, my inner thoughts, and not be judged. 
    Sometimes men find it hard to express themselves so there may be someone who likes you, he might just find it hard to tell you. With ASD of course we are very open! 

    But try try not to think it's anything wrong with you, it's not. 
    Society tells us we have to look act and feel a certain way, and if we don't we are odd. 
    But as you know to have your own way of thinking is a gift!
    Any successful scientist will tell you that.

    Be proud that you are who you are and maybe think about going on a confidence course or self defence class (it builds inner confidence and empowers not just physically), learn to love who you are, the bullies you encountered as a child (I feel for you as I was bullied too..) had issues of their own or they wouldn't have been bullies. 
    The fact you've obviously remained a sensitive compassionate person tells me you have risen above the bullying which is a feat in itself, as some who are bullied go on to bully.

    There are so many out there like you, you're not alone in thinking you'll never have anyone, it's just you have the courage and strength to say it and others haven't! 
    And that in itself is fab

    Joanna x 
  • bendigedigbendigedig Posts: 254Member Chatterbox
    edited March 2017
    @anonymous123 @joannarashelle

    you are so right joannarashelle :)

    speaking from experience.  I found Martial arts to be very good for me.  I think I have comorbid Dyspraxia.  It was hinted at when I recieved my Dyslexia report.  Ha ha.  My nickname in PE as a kid was "mr. Coordination"

    since practising Kung Fu for a few yrs At University I now regularly surprise myself by regularly catching items falling from cupboards and work surfaces with my left hand!  (Im a right hander.  Prior to martial arts I had always had a massive right hand biass)

    I would reccomend Wing Chun and Tai Chi Chuan.  As with all groups and or clubs be very selective!   Some marshal arts clubs are more suitable for an individual than others.

    the reason I reccomended the above two styles/disciplines is because they do not require an individual to engage in relentless physical training to aquire relative proficiency.

    Tai Chi is excellent!   Theres a bit of a clique in some circumstances but I think most clubs and groups are populated by open caring intelligent people :)  i found it very relaxing and rewarding. 

    We all have some understanding of the health bennefits of Tai Chi.  Wing Chun though is a Chinese Kung Fu Style that can complement and co exist well wit Tai Chi.

    Both Styles are Martial Arts altjough Tai Chi is often only taught as a form of Exercise.

     Wing Chun can teach you some excellent realistic self defence skills.  Like Tai Chi, it does not require even moderate physcal fitness strength or prowess to achieve sucess.

    Wing chun forms rely heavily on training each the left and right side of the body and the brain to be as effective as the other.  it also helps with breathing, posture and self confidence.   Some wing chun exercises involve pairing up and engaging in close physical contact.  This can and will help an idividual to reassess the peronal space of themselves and others in a healthy respectful and disciplined way.

    incidentally, Wing Chun is supposed to be the name of the Little Nun who used the style to fight off the advances of an amourous warlord.  Its not just for Bruce Lee.  Its for everybody.... Especially those who feel small, weak and vulnerable :)

    shop around for a good, reputable club.....  Why not give it a try? :). I would still be doing both were there a group in travelling distance but I live in the Middle of nowhere. :(
  • Anonymous123Anonymous123 Posts: 27Member Talkative
    @joannarashelle Thanks Joanna, you are a very nice person.  You have helped cheer me up because I have never had anyone to talk too about my Aspergers.
    @bendigedig thank you too, I've actually tried some kick boxing, just with a bag or trainer using Mits telling me where to hit, not with people as I don't like fighting, I just want too loose weight and tone up and kick boxing works every part of your body and I quite enjoy it.
    I also do some Hiit and Crossfit which I enjoy. 
  • bendigedigbendigedig Posts: 254Member Chatterbox

    I did three years of Wing Chun and Tai Chi.  I Too have been to a few Kick boxing classes.   I can assure you that Kickboxing and Muay Thai just as much about fighting as Wing Chun or Tai Chi.  You would just treat them the same as you treat your Kickboxing except soon you would come to understand the difference and why I recomended them :)

    I made my recomendations on the basis of improving self steem, general self awareness and understanding others better.  A good wingchun and or Tai Chi class would provide this and would also teach you some excelent self defence into the bargin (something everybody needs to know)

    the close proximity training of wing chun and Tai Chi are to train reflex sensitivity.  This onvolves pairing of with a partner and practicing Sticky hands/rolling hands in Wing Chun and pushing hands in Tai Chi.   This is quite an interesting and very subtle skill to learn.  The benefits of this training are multi faceted and do not relate simply to "fighting".  With apropriate supervision, practiced slowly and gently with a partner, these exercises can provide great personal development. 

    if you just want to burn calories, then I suppose punching and kicking the bag is as good a way as any :) but then again cycling and swimming are probably better?  Tai Chi and Wing chun are not calorie burners, they're are about ecconomy of motion and minimum energy expenditure.  A lot of the Chinese Martial Arts has links with Budhism and Taoism too, so the philosophy is also very interesting.  It did me the world of good.  There are a lot of misconceptions about Chinese martial arts in general.
  • Anonymous123Anonymous123 Posts: 27Member Talkative
    @bendigedig sometimes I do some cycling, I don't swim a lot because the chlorine brings on my asthma.  When I go on holiday I like swimming in the sea and scooby diving though
  • joannarashellejoannarashelle Posts: 135Member Chatterbox
    I don't like fighting either @Anonymous123 I'm a pacifist as I suspect you are too!
    Any 'combat' sport is good as it's not so much the body that is exercised and taught but our control and mental strategy, in fact most sports will help you start feeling good about yourself, you need some natural endorphins floating round, you'll benefit and feel proud of who you are, as you should. 
    But I know (from experience) how hard this is. 
    I joined this forum for the same reasons as you I think, to feel connected with similar people with similar personal struggles. 
    It has helped me a lot in the short time I joined. 
    Youll feel less isolated and more accepted, most of all you'll feel safe. 

    I'm glad I cheered you up. 
    After all, you have one of the most awesome animals as your profile pic!!

    Always here xxx
  • bendigedigbendigedig Posts: 254Member Chatterbox

    wow SCUBA,  id love to do that :) Scooby diving sounds much better though.

    i used to do a lot of snorkelling.  I love being in and under the sea.  Its real freedom isnt it.  The sound, the colours, the textures, weird fish and critters. Its lke an alien world isnt?

    lol.  I better start kick boxing or somthing!  Im wondering whether Id fit back in my wetsuit now?  :/
  • Anonymous123Anonymous123 Posts: 27Member Talkative
    @bendigedig haha I meant too write Scuba sorry.  I don't think you would be able too kickbox in your wetsuit though lol
  • bendigedigbendigedig Posts: 254Member Chatterbox
    edited March 2017
    Dont apologise.  I think scooby diving sounds much better.  I can even envisage scooby doo in an underwater scene doing a submerged doggy paddle :)

    i dont think I would be able to Kick box in any suit!  I think im over the hill now :( Kick boxing is somthing that I dont think I'll ever be attempting again.  I went for a walk with my son the other week, we did six miles along a rocky coast.   It nearly did for me.  Im getting old before my time :(

    as far as that wet suit goes, dear me..........  Id be lucky to get 1 leg in it let alone move in it.  I remember the last time i squeezed into it,   The zip  (at the rear kept on comming down.   God the water was cold when it flooded in! :). It was a goid day though.  I snorkled through a Kelp bed, there were all weird pink crusty growths and big pink sea urchins on the rocks in addition to the weed.  I came upon a dog fish, it wasnt at all bothered by my presence.   It was on the sea bed.  I dived down and picked it up, it didnt even struggle.    It was so weird.   I released it and it swam off really slowly :)

  • Anonymous123Anonymous123 Posts: 27Member Talkative
    @bendigedig that must have been an awesome experience.  Scooby diving does sound good, there is such a thing as wet suits and oxygen tanks for dogs and cats believe it or not! 
    I remeber the first time I went scuba diving when I was 12 in Turkey, there was a pool of fish swimming in front of us and I thought we were going to hit them when we swam through them, but when we got closer, the fish actually stopped, let us swim by, then I looked behind me once we got by and they started going again! 
    No one believes me, but it honestly happened.
  • bendigedigbendigedig Posts: 254Member Chatterbox
    That sounds spectacular.   Ive snorkled in the Med too.  Im assuming that you were in the Mediteranean?  I caught an octopuss in the rocks there.  I also ended up standing on some black sea urchins.  Ouch they hurt so much. The rock looked like it was black.  It was,  black because it was covered in black sea Urchins. They were so densely packed that i couldnt make them out.  My foot was hurting for days.  The spines snapped off, got stuck and didnt come out until they started to get infected.  No wetsuit required there.  Lovely and warm. :)
  • Anonymous123Anonymous123 Posts: 27Member Talkative
    edited March 2017
    Ew that sounds horrible.  Yes I was in the med @bendigedig
    I am going to Cyprus this summer and was thinking of getting a Scuba liscense 
  • bendigedigbendigedig Posts: 254Member Chatterbox
    Is it Okay to chat in this thread like this?   Im not sure how all this works really.  Im enjoying the conversation but im consious of the fact that its an ASD advice thread thing?

    do you need a liscense to SCUBA in Cyprus?  I know its dead important to be trained up but im pretty sure outside of Britain the rules in many countries are a bit different.  Ive heard in some places you can turn up on the day, pay a few quid, get kitted out and just go for it......   I know how dangerous it can be though so id definately do some pool time here before i considered doing that though.

    Ive had two or three chances to SCUBA in my life and I never made it happen.   I will do it one day though.   Until then Ill stick with my snorkell :)
  • Anonymous123Anonymous123 Posts: 27Member Talkative
    @bendigedig I'm not sure if it's okay to chat here, but just in case I will make this my last comment.
    You don't need a license too Scuba dive, but I would like a license so I could maybe teach others.
    Plus I think it would be quite cool too tell people you have a diving license  :)
  • davidj49davidj49 Posts: 63Member Talkative
    @bendigedig  You need to get a letter from your GP stating that your ears are fine for scuba diving. The GP will perform some important tests, only with this letter from your GP will a recognised PADI scuba diving school allow you to learn scuba diving, every scuba diving centre/location will check your letter/permission from your GP first..... scuba diving looks fun, it is but can be deadly, please read what the experts warn about.
  • Sam_ScopeSam_Scope Posts: 5,672Administrator Scope community team
    @bendigedig @Anonymous123 and everyone else, it is of course ok to chat on this thread (and any of the others!) 

    This community is here for people to chat, connect and share experiences and it is brilliant to read such interesting comments! Crack on!  :)
  • bendigedigbendigedig Posts: 254Member Chatterbox
    edited March 2017

    I would be really interested to learn from the advice you get.  Im sick to death of having to litterally fight for fair treatment of our Aspergic 11 yr old son.  We have experienced horrors as a familiy with the services (or lack of them) that we have recieved.  Its rife.

    You are not alone.  This is so common.  I feel it is largely symptomatic of a deterioration of the healthcare system due to it being run into the ground coupled with a vast skills and knowledge gap in schools (no appropriately experienced or trained staff often) and a breakdown of social justice I think.

    you have my sympathy and whatever support I can give, if only morale support?
  • Anonymous123Anonymous123 Posts: 27Member Talkative
    @Sam_Scope Thanks Sam @davidj49 I didn't know that about the ear check, thanks for letting me know! ☺ 
  • bendigedigbendigedig Posts: 254Member Chatterbox

    Thinking about it.  I think I did somthing to my left ear when I was last snorkelling.  

    I think it was from pressure whilst diving down.

    Im not sure whats happened but since then I have had tinutus in it.

    I hope I havent damaged the ear drum or somthing.
  • davidj49davidj49 Posts: 63Member Talkative
    Sounds bad, you must see your GP and say you want to go scuba diving, but without a certificate of health from your GP, the scuba diving school will never let you dive...I know this to be a fact, and why risk your life just to scuba dive? This doesn't make any sense.
  • bendigedigbendigedig Posts: 254Member Chatterbox

    thanks for your concern David.  Dont worry though,  im not going to do anything daft.

    im in no rush to find out if I can get into a wetsuit again!  Lol

    thanks for the excellent H.S. Advice though.  Much apreciated :)
  • VioletFennVioletFenn Posts: 123Member Chatterbox
    Everyone should chat more, it make life much more fun ;) And scooby diving would be BRILLIANT  :D

    ASD advisor, Scope

  • joannarashellejoannarashelle Posts: 135Member Chatterbox
    I have the first two series of Scooby Doo on DVD if that would help anyone's scooby diving?
  • Anonymous123Anonymous123 Posts: 27Member Talkative
  • joannarashellejoannarashelle Posts: 135Member Chatterbox
    @Anonymous123 sorry couldn't resist!

    But I really do have the first two series of Scooby Doo!

    How sad is that! 
  • Anonymous123Anonymous123 Posts: 27Member Talkative
    @joannarashelle nothing wrong with that if that is what you like
  • VioletFennVioletFenn Posts: 123Member Chatterbox
    I've got Trap Door on dvd and it is my favourite thing ever - I bet I'm the only one who remembers that one ;) 
  • Sam_ScopeSam_Scope Posts: 5,672Administrator Scope community team
    Dont you open that TRAP DOOR! You're a foooooool if you dare! 

    I LOVED Trapdoor!!!!  :D
  • bendigedigbendigedig Posts: 254Member Chatterbox
  • VioletFennVioletFenn Posts: 123Member Chatterbox

    If anyone wants me, I'll be in my happy place ;) 
  • bendigedigbendigedig Posts: 254Member Chatterbox

    I introduced my son to Trapdoor (amongst other long gone televisual delights"). when he was younger.  He still loves it :)  Its great isnt it.  The best thing Willie Rushden was ever involved in.

    "Oh Glummits"!

  • bendigedigbendigedig Posts: 254Member Chatterbox
    Its "oh Globbits" isn't it.  I didn't do badly from memory, Im not going to beat myself up about it.
  • Anonymous123Anonymous123 Posts: 27Member Talkative
    @VioletFenn Hi Violet again.
     I didn't have a very good day at work today.  It's a long story! Anyway the gist of it is that I recently started working almost full time and I have a really sensitive colleague who keeps getting offended at things I say or do, but won't give me the chance to explain when she confronts me in front of everyone.  My unfortunate coping strategy is too cry, but I try to hide it, however once I start I can't seem to be able too stop!  I also can't talk about my feelings or what happened without crying because I am a very emotional person.
     I am worried that I will loose my job because of this, as although my boss spoke to my colleague and asked her to be a bit more patient with me, I can see things like this happening again.
     I want too know how when someone is nasty too me or confronts me critically, but won't let me explain myself, how I can just let it go and get on with my work without crying.  Do you know of any coping strategies I can try?
     I was even thinking of seeing a counsellor. Do you think that would help? I am worried they won't be able to fully understand my Aspergers, so don't know if it would be a waste of time and money.
  • VioletFennVioletFenn Posts: 123Member Chatterbox
    Hi @Anonymous123

    Apologies for taking a while to reply - I don't always get chance to check in as often as I'd like when work's busy. 

    As for crying - I do it too! It's frustration I think, as much as anything. I'm assuming that your boss knows that you have Aspergers? If so then they are duty bound to help where they can, so don't worry about losing your job. 

    It's a coping strategy that you need, isn't it? Some kind of instruction you can follow in such a situation. Firstly, I would try to remember that you cannot control what others are offended by - so as long as you do your best not to be offensive, that's your side of the deal done. It's up to the other person whether they get offended or not. Would you feel better if you dealt with things in writing? I've learnt that dealing with emotional situations via email helps me hugely, because firstly I can read through what the other person is saying and double check that I'm interpreting it correctly; and secondly, I can draft my response, leave it for a while and then edit it again when I'm feeling a bit cooler about it all. It also means that I'm not at risk of howling in front of them!

    As for counselling - I honestly don't know. I'm pretty sure though that there are counsellors around who specialise in dealing with people who have ASD. It might be worth your while speaking to the Scope helpline (it's not available at weekends but reopens on Monday morning) - they might have more details of where you could find such a therapist. 

    Phone - 0808 800 3333  

    Email - [email protected]

    ASD advisor, Scope

  • Anonymous123Anonymous123 Posts: 27Member Talkative
    @VioletFenn thanks Violet I will try to remember that.  
    It just hurts when I'm trying my best to be a nice friendly person and I get snapped at for any little thing.  
    Ill try and phone that number during the week.
    Thanks for all your help.
    I read somewhere that it is good to cry to release emotions, otherwise you get angry and can take a tantrum, so that made me feel a bit better as I would rather cry than have tantrums! 
  • lonewarriorlonewarrior Posts: 23Member Whisperer
    edited June 2017
    Sam_Scope said:
    @bendigedig @Anonymous123 and everyone else, it is of course ok to chat on this thread (and any of the others!) 

    This community is here for people to chat, connect and share experiences and it is brilliant to read such interesting comments! Crack on!  :)
    Hi Sam thank you for confirming it's ok to chat, I have gained so much from reading and talking about issues, no matter how much each one of us has gone through there will always be an alternative more suited to an individual problem, we are all different but coming together and talking through stuff can be so rewarding. @bendigedig you are awesome! Loved reading your accounts of growing up, I never fitted into any group and had handme downs, I enjoyed not fitting in until it became easy for others to mock, I then deliberately chose to be as different as I could be,I made a positive out of a negative situation. I mocked the majority for being like sheep all wanting to look the same and act like one another. @Anonymous123 you are a lovely person and I hope being here will help you understand that regardless of how bad things seem they will get better, just try to be you.
  • adarby12adarby12 Posts: 3Member Listener
    Hi my son is 5 years old and currently on the umbrella pathway as he is showing signs of possible ASD/aspergers...as this is new to both of us all information advice is very welcome! Many thanks
  • debbiedo49debbiedo49 Posts: 1,630Member Chatterbox
    What age were you when you were diagnosed and what triggered it ? Having just watched Are You Autistic? it seems that there may be undiagnosed parents of children with ASD. They were talking about the lost generation. 

    This too shall pass!
  • jenna86jenna86 Posts: 4Member Listener
    hi, my son is 5. He was seen by a paediatrician when He was just 4.. he has a few things going on, joint hypermobility, he goes to speech therapy, doesn’t like loud noises, anxiety etc etc. Strange behaviours. She didn’t think there were sings of him having asd. 
    I am convinced he is autistic. He has been “playing church” everyday for over 2 years... I’d say that is a child with asd and an obvious obsession but maybe I’m wrong?
    Read more at https://community.scope.org.uk/discussion/42653/obsessive-behaviour#iov1HL3o8ZU7wTzC.99
  • VioletFennVioletFenn Posts: 123Member Chatterbox
    What age were you when you were diagnosed and what triggered it ? Having just watched Are You Autistic? it seems that there may be undiagnosed parents of children with ASD. They were talking about the lost generation. 
    I was 46 and an absolute cliched example of realising I was autistic whilst going through the process for my then 11 year old son. There are so many of us who only realise when we see it happening in the next generation. Because I'm verbal and academically bright, my other problems were just ignored or put down to 'nerves' - I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder many years ago, but the consultant who dx'd me with Asperger's said that in his view I didn't have an anxiety disorder per se, just mental health problems caused by having lived with undiagnosed ASD for too long. 

    I actually interviewed the two main participants in Are You Autistic (link here) for Metro. I absolutely agree with the 'lost generation' theory and I honestly think that the diagnosis rates will soar - not because it's easier to get dx'd (we all know that's not true), simply because more previously hidden autistic people are pushing to be recognised. 

    ASD advisor, Scope
  • Kirstie93Kirstie93 Posts: 1Member Listener

    I thought I would comment here as there are not alot of people who will understand but hopefully people here will. 

    Basically I am 24 years old and I have Aspergers Syndrome. When I first got diagnosed it felt like the best thing in the world as it provided answers I never had as well as explanations I never had regarding difficulties etc that everyone else never seemed to experience. I work in within a childcare setting which at first seemed ok, but recently however that has changed, in fact alot has changed. 

    I have began to realise that despite my best efforts and trying very hard that I am only meeting a fraction of the standards all the other staff are meeting, no one mentions it or says anything but I can see it. To begin with I thought that if I acted confident then I could convince myself this would be a temporary thing and I tried this for a long while but this didn't make a difference. It was becoming more apparent that me not meeting the standards everyone else was meeting was due to the difficulties caused by the fact that I am autistic, since realising this I resent the fact that I am autistic more and more all the time. 

    Being autistic was something I was proud of and was considered a part of me but now I consider it this unwanted demon that I am stuck with for life, it manifests itself in everything I say and do I can't escape nor cure not just get rid of it. I am at a point where I go home and have meltdowns daily because I know it isn't going anywhere. I want to be able to meet standards in work etc just like everyone else more than anything but don't because I am autistic. 

    I don't really know what to think from here, there isn't anything more work can do as they have listened and tried to make the adjustments that seemed necessary or might help and it hasn't really changed anything. I just feel like I need some sort of guidance here. (No offence meant to any other autistic people from anything written in this post by the way this is purely a reflection of my difficulties and how being autistic is affecting me personally).   
  • debbiedo49debbiedo49 Posts: 1,630Member Chatterbox
    Wondering if you have any advice on getting particularly chatty children with Asd to stop and listen to others rather than monopolise the conversation or ignore your prompts to take a breath please? 

    This too shall pass!
  • debbiedo49debbiedo49 Posts: 1,630Member Chatterbox
    @Kirstie93 I am so sorry you are going through a tough time. Hope you get some advice here 

    This too shall pass!
  • ilovetodig0044ilovetodig0044 Posts: 3Member Listener
    Hi All
    I’m new here but
    From reading the last few discussions I think I may have come to the right place!
    I am the step father to two boys; the eldest (14) was diagnosed with high functioning autism, adhd, Tourette’s and generalised anxiety disorder when very young and copes relatively well at school. 
    My wife (37) has just recieved a diagnosis of Aspergers, which was sought out because of our experience with our eldest boy, which actually didn’t come as a shock to either of us. 
    To complete the hat-trick, my youngest step son (10) recieved an asbergers diagnosis a week ago and is likely to be diagnosed with adhd as well. His diagnosis took a long time to confirm as we as well as the doctors were unsure if he was genuinely asd or whether he was replicating autistic behaviours from his older brother whom he idolises.

    Needless to say, living in a house with 3 highly functional asd family members is proving to be a challenge for us all, family dinner times are frequently taken up with 3 separate conversations excitedly interwoven together; each has varying degrees of understanding of external emotions and social signs and each has different levels of organisational and timekeeping difficulties which frequently clash. Frequently I feel completely overwhelmed and unable to manage everything at once.

  • GeoarkGeoark Posts: 978Member, Community champion Chatterbox
    @Kirstie93 welcome to the community.

    If you don't mind me asking what sort of work do you do?

    I am not diagnosed, however when my daughter was being investigated for Aspergers a lot of what I was reading seemed to apply more to my own experiences than my daughter's.

    I struggled a lot during the early years when I started working, and found I was slower at learning things than others. However once I started to understand them I soon stood out. I would get frustrated that supervisors would walk past people doing nothing to ask me to do something, when I finally questioned it I was told because once they mentioned it to me they knew it would get done and when completed I would let them know. At one point I was asked if I would join a team going into a company to turn it around.

    Then my back started giving me serious issues and I was out of work for a decade. Moving back to work I found myself in an office based role and have continued to struggle - in my view. It seems to me that I continue to struggle while those around me seem to take it all in their stride. A view that my colleagues do not agree with.

    More recently it has gotten better. To be fair in the last 5 years I have been in 5 different roles, 2 years as a trainee in three different roles, 2 1/2 year as an assistant in two roles and finally the last 6 months as an officer dealing with service charges and Section 20. So moving from having general knowledge to developing more specialised knowledge and skills.

    What has happened to change is two things. Mentoring from my manager has helped me to learn how to prioritise my workload, the second was signing up with Lynda.com which provides a range of courses but in particular I have found the time management and Excel courses to be a god send. While I had decent Excel skills I always struggled with the syntax used in formulas or tracking problems. 

    While these have helped I still struggle as work and priorities are fluid. Phone calls come in, priorities can change in an instant, and deadlines can quickly come and go without a task being completed. The latter I can usually get past as I normally can gauge if I will meet the target and let my boss know so she can choose to either prioritise my time or pass on the work to one of my colleagues. But two or three days of hectic chaos can quickly change that before I realise that I have missed the target.

    That all said the biggest thing that stops me from meeting expected standards is the stress that I put myself under. It means that when I am looking at the screen I cannot understand what I am looking at, or fail to properly understand something I actually know the answer to, especially when I am on the phone to a customer. This leads to frustration which in turns means that I find it more difficult to move quickly between different tasks and this increases the frustration.

    Sometimes I can have days where I seem to get very little or nothing done, feel totally stressed out at the end of the day and my pain levels are through the roof and I wonder if it is all worth it and if I should just admit defeat and give my notice in. Thing is I know from experience that all these issues will finaly click into place and I will enjoy the challenge more. It also helps that I love what I do and they actually pay me to do it.

    You sound like you are working with a great team, and have an understanding employer. If you understand where the issues are there are usually solutions even if it is to give yourself more time. Something to remember is that teams are usually composed of people with different skill sets and knowledge. It is too easy to compare  yourself with others and see yourself falling short, but I am also sure that your colleagues see things in you that they appreciate and respect which make you a valued member of the team and to the company.

    To give an example of this my boss told me that one thing she really appreciates is that I have an excellent sh!t radar (sorry for the language) if I send her a heads up notice for something and she is not aware off she makes sure she does so when it comes up she is prepared. On the odd occassion this has happened while I was telling her of the potential problem, not much time to prepare but at least she is aware.

    As an individual I stood alone.
    As a member of a group I did things.
    As part of a community I helped to create change!

  • debbiedo49debbiedo49 Posts: 1,630Member Chatterbox
    Would like to know do you recommend any online courses for working with children with asd please?

    This too shall pass!
  • GeoarkGeoark Posts: 978Member, Community champion Chatterbox
    Hi @debbiedo49 a really good resource is Autism Toolbox. It is a Scottish resource for schools but the material is free, as far as I remember. http://www.autismtoolbox.co.uk/resources/topic-resources/staff-training/

    If you are working in a school setting I would strongly recommend speaking to the SENCO regarding which  qualifications they prefer to see or if there are  ones they would recommend before paying out for courses. 

    That said there are some courses being advertised at https://www.reed.co.uk/courses/sen/online near the bottom is Teaching Assistant Course - Level 2 CPD Accredited for £19 (the offer ends today)

    Level 2 means it is a GCSE equivelant. But do take a look first as it is not autism specific.

    If it is outside the school environment let me know and I look for other courses for you.

    As an individual I stood alone.
    As a member of a group I did things.
    As part of a community I helped to create change!

  • wanderinggalwanderinggal Posts: 17Member Whisperer
    Hi Violet I've been awaiting a diagnosis about 2 years been to my GP who wasn't convinced as he said I held eye contact lol which took me about 38 years to conquer the fear of doing . Just reading other comments like the 4s noise thing funny just left a question for audiologist just now motor bikes leave me wanting to hurl something at them , as I suffer with meneres disease so noise goes right through my whole being . Noise in general winds me up radios , traffic etc , anyway to my point of how can I get help and support I have 2 Asperger's and high functioning autistic teens they suffer a great deal due to myself having a neglected childhood of mum there but not present , feel I don't have a network of any sort , no family nearby , isolated and kids are not bothered by friends or going out , get very very depressed at school holidays as it's always in as I have a lot of issues going out , try to be a normal parent but don't have the skills , both kids under camhs . Not saying I want to be Mary Poppins but would be good to have the skills to help them develop and become independent . Gone through the PIP crap with one and the other just going to go through with them soon . All I wanted when they were younger was someone to teach them the skills to cope , develope and find how to socialise easier instead with my bag of crap . I feel I've let them down all because I needed someone without ASD to light a path for them . Feel like there's so much we miss out as I don't know what the magic formulae is for making friends and keeping them . Living in city is a absolute nightmare as people always say yes we must meet up for a coffee or other parents make their kids busy but never think to invite your kids . Just needed a break now and then and support as an undiagnosed ASD parent , not asking others to bring up my kids just show them the stuff I know exists to make you a little more functional and happy  but  I  don't  know myself how it works . I know people say isn't it great being different oh you are such an original thinker , that doesn't help all the years I've felt isolated and feel outcast bullied at school and didn't want the same for my kids wanted a little more acceptance and inclusion , kids are cruel and ostracized my eldest who hasn't had any friends for 7 years I don't have any I can count on either , but need to get help and diagnosed as it might help ???  Too many problems and not going to wear my finger out typing and also listing a novel of complaints as I don't want to be like this , used to be a lot less " complainy " but life to be honest it sucks . Need a bit of legal boot to get diagnosed as they said we have to assess its not your PTSD that's showing signs as if you can't have both or a barrel of problems any way lots here to digest  hope you can help 
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