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Im feeling so low and crappy !

Pansy_potter1Pansy_potter1 Posts: 7Member Listener
Hi all.

I hope you dont mind me but, I need to have a bit of a 'let off steam' moment.
I suffer with a host of problems but, today, I have been low bi polar is rearing its head ! as I have cried on and off all day !
I have 2 grown up children, aged 37 and 33.  This is going to sound silly now....
My Son rang me a few nights ago and was telling me that he cooked a fabulous steak, how it was cooked etc, not that I have never cooked steak !! anyway, he said 'I wish I could cook for you and Steve (my Hubby) to come and have a meal with us.  I replied, well, theres a problem there, you have lived in that house for 3 years and we have never had an invite for a cup of coffee there, let alone steak ! he came out with crappy excuses, the house isnt big enough, no he doesnt live in a shoe box but, it sounds like it.  He said we have no table and there was one in the room - the one that you stack the folded chairs in the side of the table. Then the next breath he said ' we have our 2 two friends coming over tomorrow , Bloody hell, I was so hurt.  So his friends can go there but not his Mother.  We took him in when he had nowhere to go and didnt charge him a penny !

I just kept milling this over, then I had my Granddaughter here Sat morning, we had a lovely time, she is 11.  My Daughter came to pick her up. We were having a chat - me and my Daughter and she said she was going to a Beyonce concert.  I said who with, she said her friend, she said, its my turn to pay as she paid last time.  I thought well dont forget I took you to a concert last year, wonder if that will be reciprocated ? again Bang !! I could have cried.

Its been on my mind since yesterday, both my kids know what buttons to push.  My Husband said Im too sensitive but, I am me and I cant change that.  

I did mention to my Daughter that I felt hurt and she said , youre sensitive and your Bi polar.

Er yes but does that give anyone the right to hurt me?  I feel worthless.

My son didnt send me a Mothers day card, but, his girlfriends Mother had one, 

Im welling up just writing this and I think any of you continuing to read this jargon.

8 weeks ago I self harmed and tried to overdose as I was so low and I dont want to there again.

Thank you for reading
<3

Replies

  • susan48susan48 Posts: 2,202Member Disability Gamechanger
    @Pansy_potter1, I know exactly how you feel, my oldest son who is 31 hardly even talks to me, Iv seen him twice in the last 2years, no birthday card etc. I have two other sons who i talk too regularly etc.
    its so hurtful, it cuts so deep. Iv 3 grandsons who Iv seen twice in a year, it breaks my heart. You are not alone.
    i have mental health problems and he just thinks I need to get “over” it  :'(

    maybe talk to your gp or mental health professional, you need to talk about how it makes you feel. 

    I hope the the fact that knowing your not alone in this helps.

    im hear to listen, anytime x
  • Pansy_potter1Pansy_potter1 Posts: 7Member Listener
    Hi susan48
    Well, I see my psychiatrist and I have a C P N i see every week and she is trying to help me with coping strategies but, its a slow progress.  But the worthless feeling is awful and I think Im better off not being here but, then I think of my Husband, Brother and my 3 beautiful Grandchildren. 

    It doesnt help that I cant get out much as I have scoliosis and they think I have herniated discs and being seen next Monday , also I am waiting to have an arthroscope done so my mobility is pretty rubbish, I cant get out as much as Id like to.

    My dogs when my Husband is in work are my life, as they are such good company.  

    Please dont think Im a 'woe is me' but, today has been a pretty bad day and I think all my tears have dried up lol x


  • samparrot123samparrot123 Posts: 50Member Courageous
    I feel so sorry for you ,when your in that dark place it feels so alone and helpless,but your not alone that's why we are here to help you feel better and remember we've all been there at some time or other ,always remember you are not alone ,I myself find that praying helps a lot just give it a try God is there for everyone ,take it to the Lord in prayer.
  • susan48susan48 Posts: 2,202Member Disability Gamechanger
    @Pansy_potter1,

    im glad you have CPN etc but I know some days are harder than others.
    i try really hard not to think too much about it because it so upsetting. I have social anxiety and depression so going to visit anyone except my mum is very difficult.

    he came to see me on Christmas Eve with the boys and had to ask my address and directions!!! Iv lived here for over 3 years.

     I know it’s tough to try and stay strong but others need and want you.

    sometimes it’s good to have a good cry, lets it all out because bottling it up is not good for you. I know this too as I do it and ended up trying to take my own life a few years ago.

    the only thing I think is, I know how it feels, I try very hard not to judge people.
    I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight 
    X
  • debbiedo49debbiedo49 Posts: 2,891Member Disability Gamechanger
    From personal experience I know about being sensitive. I expect people to care about my feelings like I do about theirs but life isnt like that. There are two things you can do. 1. Keep doing the same things and keep getting the same results = Feelings Hurt. 2. Do things differently and get different results = something possibly better? What I mean is, I got sick of being written off as the sensitive one and getting trampledcp on by family. I just cut them off and decided I would see them on my terms.  Then its up to me what happens. Now, in saying that my mental health has been bad for a few years and I just felt they were not supporting me. Having agoraphobia and panic disorder as well I felt I had to be in control of my environment. So I pushed people away by choice. Its been lonely, but as my recovery has progressed I spend time with people who I choose to. I get support from people who started off as strangers and vice versa. I got sick of apologising for all the fallouts being blamed on the crazy sister, aunt aka me. I would talk to them on your terms and tell them how you feel and explaiin that things need to change, if thats what you want. Tell them to go away and think about how their actions make you feel. Then see what happens. You cant change people but you can change how you react to them. Also theres nothing wrong with crying as you can feel better after a good cry. But if its more than that then seek help like you are doing. Getting support on here really helps and you know you are not alone. Good luck. Ps I just posted a YouTube video on my profile I listened to earlier with headphones and it made me really relax and helped with pain. YouTube has great videos for all types of things to help lift us up and its free. Good luck x
    💜🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿
    I am a fibro warrior !💜♏️
  • Pippa_ScopePippa_Scope Posts: 5,856Member Disability Gamechanger
    Thanks for sharing this with us, @Pansy_potter1. So sorry to hear that you were feeling low, I hope this finds you on a much better day. 

    You are a member of our community and we appreciate you. If you are having thoughts of suicide, it is important that you discuss them with someone who is qualified to help. Please call the Samaritans on 116 123 (free) or email them at [email protected]. You might also benefit from reading MIND’s information on how you can help yourself. If you feel that you may be an immediate danger to yourself, please call 999 or go to your local hospital right away.

    It's good to hear that you have support in place and that you're taking steps to work on things. You're always welcome to talk about things here on the community, where we'll do our best to help!

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